[ 15 ]
(The Mabbot street entrance of nighttown, before which stretches
an uncobbled tramsiding set with skeleton tracks, red and green
will-o’-the-wisps and danger signals. Rows of grimy houses with gaping
doors. Rare lamps with faint rainbow fans. Round Rabaiotti’s halted
ice gondola stunted men and women squabble. They grab wafers between
which are wedged lumps of coral and copper snow. Sucking, they scatter
slowly. Children. The swancomb of the gondola, highreared, forges on
through the murk, white and blue under a lighthouse. Whistles call and
THE CALLS: Wait, my love, and I’ll be with you.
THE ANSWERS: Round behind the stable.
(A deafmute idiot with goggle eyes, his shapeless mouth dribbling, jerks
past, shaken in Saint Vitus’ dance. A chain of children ’s hands
THE CHILDREN: Kithogue! Salute!
THE IDIOT: (Lifts a palsied left arm and gurgles.) Grhahute!
THE CHILDREN: Where’s the great light?
THE IDIOT: (Gobbling.) Ghaghahest.
(They release him. He jerks on. A pigmy woman swings on a rope slung
between two railings, counting. A form sprawled against a dustbin and
muffled by its arm and hat snores, groans, grinding growling teeth, and
snores again. On a step a gnome totting among a rubbishtip crouches
to shoulder a sack of rags and bones. A crone standing by with a smoky
oillamp rams her last bottle in the maw of his sack. He heaves his
booty, tugs askew his peaked cap and hobbles off mutely. The crone
makes back for her lair, swaying her lamp. A bandy child, asquat on the
doorstep with a paper shuttlecock, crawls sidling after her in spurts,
clutches her skirt, scrambles up. A drunken navvy grips with both hands
the railings of an area, lurching heavily. At a corner two night watch
in shouldercapes, their hands upon their staffholsters, loom tall. A
plate crashes: a woman screams: a child wails. Oaths of a man roar,
mutter, cease. Figures wander, lurk, peer from warrens. In a room lit by
a candle stuck in a bottleneck a slut combs out the tatts from the
hair of a scrofulous child. Cissy Caffrey’s voice, still young, sings
shrill from a lane.)
 I gave it to Molly
 Because she was jolly,
 The leg of the duck,
 The leg of the duck.
(Private Carr and Private Compton, swaggersticks tight in their oxters,
as they march unsteadily rightaboutface and burst together from their
mouths a volleyed fart. Laughter of men from the lane. A hoarse virago
THE VIRAGO: Signs on you, hairy arse. More power the Cavan girl.
CISSY CAFFREY: More luck to me. Cavan, Cootehill and Belturbet. (She
 I gave it to Nelly
 To stick in her belly,
 The leg of the duck,
 The leg of the duck.
(Private Carr and Private Compton turn and counterretort, their tunics
bloodbright in a lampglow, black sockets of caps on their blond cropped
polls. Stephen Dedalus and Lynch pass through the crowd close to the
PRIVATE COMPTON: (Jerks his finger.) Way for the parson.
PRIVATE CARR: (Turns and calls.) What ho, parson!
CISSY CAFFREY: (Her voice soaring higher.)
 She has it, she got it,
 Wherever she put it,
 The leg of the duck.
(Stephen, flourishing the ashplant in his left hand, chants with joy the
introit for paschal time. Lynch, his jockeycap low on his brow, attends
him, a sneer of discontent wrinkling his face.)
STEPHEN: Vidi aquam egredientem de templo a latere dextro. Alleluia.
(The famished snaggletusks of an elderly bawd protrude from a doorway.)
THE BAWD: (Her voice whispering huskily.) Sst! Come here till I tell
you. Maidenhead inside. Sst!
STEPHEN: (Altius aliquantulum.) Et omnes ad quos pervenit aqua ista.
THE BAWD: (Spits in their trail her jet of venom.) Trinity medicals.
Fallopian tube. All prick and no pence.
(Edy Boardman, sniffling, crouched with Bertha Supple, draws her shawl
across her nostrils.)
EDY BOARDMAN: (Bickering.) And says the one: I seen you up Faithful
place with your squarepusher, the greaser off the railway, in his
cometobed hat. Did you, says I. That’s not for you to say, says I.
You never seen me in the mantrap with a married highlander, says I. The
likes of her! Stag that one is! Stubborn as a mule! And her walking with
two fellows the one time, Kilbride, the enginedriver, and lancecorporal
STEPHEN: (Triumphaliter.) Salvi facti sunt.
(He flourishes his ashplant, shivering the lamp image, shattering light
over the world. A liver and white spaniel on the prowl slinks after him,
growling. Lynch scares it with a kick.)
LYNCH: So that?
STEPHEN: (Looks behind.) So that gesture, not music not odour, would be
a universal language, the gift of tongues rendering visible not the lay
sense but the first entelechy, the structural rhythm.
LYNCH: Pornosophical philotheology. Metaphysics in Mecklenburgh street!
STEPHEN: We have shrewridden Shakespeare and henpecked Socrates. Even
the allwisest Stagyrite was bitted, bridled and mounted by a light of
STEPHEN: Anyway, who wants two gestures to illustrate a loaf and a jug?
This movement illustrates the loaf and jug of bread or wine in Omar.
Hold my stick.
LYNCH: Damn your yellow stick. Where are we going?
STEPHEN: Lecherous lynx, to la belle dame sans merci, Georgina Johnson,
ad deam qui laetificat iuventutem meam.
(Stephen thrusts the ashplant on him and slowly holds out his hands, his
head going back till both hands are a span from his breast, down turned,
in planes intersecting, the fingers about to part, the left being
LYNCH: Which is the jug of bread? It skills not. That or the
customhouse. Illustrate thou. Here take your crutch and walk.
(They pass. Tommy Caffrey scrambles to a gaslamp and, clasping, climbs
in spasms. From the top spur he slides down. Jacky Caffrey clasps to
climb. The navvy lurches against the lamp. The twins scuttle off in the
dark. The navvy, swaying, presses a forefinger against a wing of his
nose and ejects from the farther nostril a long liquid jet of snot.
Shouldering the lamp he staggers away through the crowd with his flaring
Snakes of river fog creep slowly. From drains, clefts, cesspools,
middens arise on all sides stagnant fumes. A glow leaps in the south
beyond the seaward reaches of the river. The navvy, staggering forward,
cleaves the crowd and lurches towards the tramsiding. On the farther
side under the railway bridge Bloom appears, flushed, panting, cramming
bread and chocolate into a sidepocket. From Gillen’s hairdresser’s
window a composite portrait shows him gallant Nelson’s image. A
concave mirror at the side presents to him lovelorn longlost lugubru
Booloohoom. Grave Gladstone sees him level, Bloom for Bloom. He passes,
struck by the stare of truculent Wellington, but in the convex mirror
grin unstruck the bonham eyes and fatchuck cheekchops of Jollypoldy the
At Antonio Rabaiotti’s door Bloom halts, sweated under the bright
arclamp. He disappears. In a moment he reappears and hurries on.)
BLOOM: Fish and taters. N. g. Ah!
(He disappears into Olhausen’s, the porkbutcher’s, under the
downcoming rollshutter. A few moments later he emerges from under
the shutter, puffing Poldy, blowing Bloohoom. In each hand he holds
a parcel, one containing a lukewarm pig’s crubeen, the other a cold
sheep’s trotter, sprinkled with wholepepper. He gasps, standing
upright. Then bending to one side he presses a parcel against his ribs
BLOOM: Stitch in my side. Why did I run?
(He takes breath with care and goes forward slowly towards the lampset
siding. The glow leaps again.)
BLOOM: What is that? A flasher? Searchlight.
(He stands at Cormack’s corner, watching.)
BLOOM: Aurora borealis or a steel foundry? Ah, the brigade, of course.
South side anyhow. Big blaze. Might be his house. Beggar’s bush.
We’re safe. (He hums cheerfully.) London’s burning, London’s
burning! On fire, on fire! (He catches sight of the navvy lurching
through the crowd at the farther side of Talbot street.) I’ll miss
him. Run. Quick. Better cross here.
(He darts to cross the road. Urchins shout.)
THE URCHINS: Mind out, mister!
(Two cyclists, with lighted paper lanterns aswing, swim by him, grazing
him, their bells rattling.)
THE BELLS: Haltyaltyaltyall.
BLOOM: (Halts erect, stung by a spasm.) Ow!
(He looks round, darts forward suddenly. Through rising fog a dragon
sandstrewer, travelling at caution, slews heavily down upon him,
its huge red headlight winking, its trolley hissing on the wire. The
motorman bangs his footgong.)
THE GONG: Bang Bang Bla Bak Blud Bugg Bloo.
(The brake cracks violently. Bloom, raising a policeman’s whitegloved
hand, blunders stifflegged out of the track. The motorman, thrown
forward, pugnosed, on the guidewheel, yells as he slides past over
chains and keys.)
THE MOTORMAN: Hey, shitbreeches, are you doing the hat trick?
(Bloom trickleaps to the curbstone and halts again. He brushes a
mudflake from his cheek with a parcelled hand.)
BLOOM: No thoroughfare. Close shave that but cured the stitch. Must take
up Sandow’s exercises again. On the hands down. Insure against street
accident too. The Providential. (He feels his trouser pocket.) Poor
mamma’s panacea. Heel easily catch in track or bootlace in a cog. Day
the wheel of the black Maria peeled off my shoe at Leonard’s corner.
Third time is the charm. Shoe trick. Insolent driver. I ought to report
him. Tension makes them nervous. Might be the fellow balked me this
morning with that horsey woman. Same style of beauty. Quick of him all
the same. The stiff walk. True word spoken in jest. That awful cramp in
Lad lane. Something poisonous I ate. Emblem of luck. Why? Probably lost
cattle. Mark of the beast. (He closes his eyes an instant.) Bit light
in the head. Monthly or effect of the other. Brainfogfag. That tired
feeling. Too much for me now. Ow!
(A sinister figure leans on plaited legs against O’Beirne’s wall,
a visage unknown, injected with dark mercury. From under a wideleaved
sombrero the figure regards him with evil eye.)
BLOOM: Buenas noches, señorita Blanca, que calle es esta?
THE FIGURE: (Impassive, raises a signal arm.) Password. Sraid Mabbot.
BLOOM: Haha. Merci. Esperanto. Slan leath. (He mutters.) Gaelic league
spy, sent by that fireeater.
(He steps forward. A sackshouldered ragman bars his path. He steps left,
BLOOM: I beg.
(He leaps right, sackragman right.)
BLOOM: I beg.
(He swerves, sidles, stepaside, slips past and on.)
BLOOM: Keep to the right, right, right. If there is a signpost planted
by the Touring Club at Stepaside who procured that public boon? I who
lost my way and contributed to the columns of the Irish Cyclist the
letter headed In darkest Stepaside. Keep, keep, keep to the right. Rags
and bones at midnight. A fence more likely. First place murderer makes
for. Wash off his sins of the world.
(Jacky Caffrey, hunted by Tommy Caffrey, runs full tilt against Bloom.)
(Shocked, on weak hams, he halts. Tommy and Jacky vanish there, there.
Bloom pats with parcelled hands watch, fobpocket, bookpocket, pursepoke,
sweets of sin, potato soap.)
BLOOM: Beware of pickpockets. Old thieves’ dodge. Collide. Then snatch
(The retriever approaches sniffing, nose to the ground. A sprawled form
sneezes. A stooped bearded figure appears garbed in the long caftan
of an elder in Zion and a smokingcap with magenta tassels. Horned
spectacles hang down at the wings of the nose. Yellow poison streaks are
on the drawn face.)
RUDOLPH: Second halfcrown waste money today. I told you not go with
drunken goy ever. So you catch no money.
BLOOM: (Hides the crubeen and trotter behind his back and, crestfallen,
feels warm and cold feetmeat.) Ja, ich weiss, papachi.
RUDOLPH: What you making down this place? Have you no soul? (With feeble
vulture talons he feels the silent face of Bloom.) Are you not my son
Leopold, the grandson of Leopold? Are you not my dear son Leopold who
left the house of his father and left the god of his fathers Abraham and
BLOOM: (With precaution.) I suppose so, father. Mosenthal. All that’s
left of him.
RUDOLPH: (Severely.) One night they bring you home drunk as dog after
spend your good money. What you call them running chaps?
BLOOM: (In youth’s smart blue Oxford suit with white vestslips,
narrowshouldered, in brown Alpine hat, wearing gent’s sterling silver
waterbury keyless watch and double curb Albert with seal attached, one
side of him coated with stiffening mud.) Harriers, father. Only that
RUDOLPH: Once! Mud head to foot. Cut your hand open. Lockjaw. They make
you kaputt, Leopoldleben. You watch them chaps.
BLOOM: (Weakly.) They challenged me to a sprint. It was muddy. I
RUDOLPH: (With contempt.) Goim nachez! Nice spectacles for your poor
ELLEN BLOOM: (In pantomime dame’s stringed mobcap, widow Twankey’s
crinoline and bustle, blouse with muttonleg sleeves buttoned behind,
grey mittens and cameo brooch, her plaited hair in a crispine net,
appears over the staircase banisters, a slanted candlestick in her hand,
and cries out in shrill alarm.) O blessed Redeemer, what have they done
to him! My smelling salts! (She hauls up a reef of skirt and ransacks
the pouch of her striped blay petticoat. A phial, an Agnus Dei, a
shrivelled potato and a celluloid doll fall out.) Sacred Heart of Mary,
where were you at all at all?
(Bloom, mumbling, his eyes downcast, begins to bestow his parcels in his
filled pockets but desists, muttering.)
A VOICE: (Sharply.) Poldy!
BLOOM: Who? (He ducks and wards off a blow clumsily.) At your service.
(He looks up. Beside her mirage of datepalms a handsome woman in Turkish
costume stands before him. Opulent curves fill out her scarlet trousers
and jacket, slashed with gold. A wide yellow cummerbund girdles her. A
white yashmak, violet in the night, covers her face, leaving free only
her large dark eyes and raven hair.)
MARION: Welly? Mrs Marion from this out, my dear man, when you speak to
me. (Satirically.) Has poor little hubby cold feet waiting so long?
BLOOM: (Shifts from foot to foot.) No, no. Not the least little bit.
(He breathes in deep agitation, swallowing gulps of air, questions,
hopes, crubeens for her supper, things to tell her, excuse, desire,
spellbound. A coin gleams on her forehead. On her feet are jewelled
toerings. Her ankles are linked by a slender fetterchain. Beside her
a camel, hooded with a turreting turban, waits. A silk ladder of
innumerable rungs climbs to his bobbing howdah. He ambles near with
disgruntled hindquarters. Fiercely she slaps his haunch, her goldcurb
wristbangles angriling, scolding him in Moorish.)
MARION: Nebrakada! Femininum!
(The camel, lifting a foreleg, plucks from a tree a large mango fruit,
offers it to his mistress, blinking, in his cloven hoof, then droops his
head and, grunting, with uplifted neck, fumbles to kneel. Bloom stoops
his back for leapfrog.)
BLOOM: I can give you... I mean as your business menagerer... Mrs
Marion... if you...
MARION: So you notice some change? (Her hands passing slowly over her
trinketed stomacher, a slow friendly mockery in her eyes.) O Poldy,
Poldy, you are a poor old stick in the mud! Go and see life. See the
BLOOM: I was just going back for that lotion whitewax, orangeflower
water. Shop closes early on Thursday. But the first thing in the
morning. (He pats divers pockets.) This moving kidney. Ah!
(He points to the south, then to the east. A cake of new clean lemon
soap arises, diffusing light and perfume.)
 We’re a capital couple are Bloom and I.
 He brightens the earth. I polish the sky.
(The freckled face of Sweny, the druggist, appears in the disc of the
SWENY: Three and a penny, please.
BLOOM: Yes. For my wife. Mrs Marion. Special recipe.
MARION: (Softly.) Poldy!
BLOOM: Yes, ma’am?
MARION: Ti trema un poco il cuore?
(In disdain she saunters away, plump as a pampered pouter pigeon,
humming the duet from Don Giovanni.)
BLOOM: Are you sure about that Voglio? I mean the pronunciati...
(He follows, followed by the sniffing terrier. The elderly bawd seizes
his sleeve, the bristles of her chinmole glittering.)
THE BAWD: Ten shillings a maidenhead. Fresh thing was never touched.
Fifteen. There’s no-one in it only her old father that’s dead drunk.
(She points. In the gap of her dark den furtive, rainbedraggled, Bridie
BRIDIE: Hatch street. Any good in your mind?
(With a squeak she flaps her bat shawl and runs. A burly rough pursues
with booted strides. He stumbles on the steps, recovers, plunges into
gloom. Weak squeaks of laughter are heard, weaker.)
THE BAWD: (Her wolfeyes shining.) He’s getting his pleasure. You
won’t get a virgin in the flash houses. Ten shillings. Don’t be all
night before the polis in plain clothes sees us. Sixtyseven is a bitch.
(Leering, Gerty Macdowell limps forward. She draws from behind, ogling,
and shows coyly her bloodied clout.)
GERTY: With all my worldly goods I thee and thou. (She murmurs.) You did
that. I hate you.
BLOOM: I? When? You’re dreaming. I never saw you.
THE BAWD: Leave the gentleman alone, you cheat. Writing the gentleman
false letters. Streetwalking and soliciting. Better for your mother take
the strap to you at the bedpost, hussy like you.
GERTY: (To Bloom.) When you saw all the secrets of my bottom drawer.
(She paws his sleeve, slobbering.) Dirty married man! I love you for
doing that to me.
(She glides away crookedly. Mrs Breen in man’s frieze overcoat
with loose bellows pockets, stands in the causeway, her roguish eyes
wideopen, smiling in all her herbivorous buckteeth.)
MRS BREEN: Mr...
BLOOM: (Coughs gravely.) Madam, when we last had this pleasure by letter
dated the sixteenth instant...
MRS BREEN: Mr Bloom! You down here in the haunts of sin! I caught you
BLOOM: (Hurriedly.) Not so loud my name. Whatever do you think of me?
Don’t give me away. Walls have ears. How do you do? It’s ages since
I. You’re looking splendid. Absolutely it. Seasonable weather we are
having this time of year. Black refracts heat. Short cut home here.
Interesting quarter. Rescue of fallen women. Magdalen asylum. I am the
MRS BREEN: (Holds up a finger.) Now, don’t tell a big fib! I know
somebody won’t like that. O just wait till I see Molly! (Slily.)
Account for yourself this very sminute or woe betide you!
BLOOM: (Looks behind.) She often said she’d like to visit. Slumming.
The exotic, you see. Negro servants in livery too if she had money.
Othello black brute. Eugene Stratton. Even the bones and cornerman at
the Livermore christies. Bohee brothers. Sweep for that matter.
(Tom and Sam Bohee, coloured coons in white duck suits, scarlet socks,
upstarched Sambo chokers and large scarlet asters in their buttonholes,
leap out. Each has his banjo slung. Their paler smaller negroid hands
jingle the twingtwang wires. Flashing white Kaffir eyes and tusks they
rattle through a breakdown in clumsy clogs, twinging, singing, back to
back, toe heel, heel toe, with smackfatclacking nigger lips.)
TOM AND SAM:
 There’s someone in the house with Dina
 There’s someone in the house, I know,
 There’s someone in the house with Dina
 Playing on the old banjo.
(They whisk black masks from raw babby faces: then, chuckling,
chortling, trumming, twanging, they diddle diddle cakewalk dance away.)
BLOOM: (With a sour tenderish smile.) A little frivol, shall we, if you
are so inclined? Would you like me perhaps to embrace you just for a
fraction of a second?
MRS BREEN: (Screams gaily.) O, you ruck! You ought to see yourself!
BLOOM: For old sake’ sake. I only meant a square party, a mixed
marriage mingling of our different little conjugials. You know I had a
soft corner for you. (Gloomily.) ’Twas I sent you that valentine of
the dear gazelle.
MRS BREEN: Glory Alice, you do look a holy show! Killing simply. (She
puts out her hand inquisitively.) What are you hiding behind your back?
Tell us, there’s a dear.
BLOOM: (Seizes her wrist with his free hand.) Josie Powell that was,
prettiest deb in Dublin. How time flies by! Do you remember, harking
back in a retrospective arrangement, Old Christmas night, Georgina
Simpson’s housewarming while they were playing the Irving Bishop game,
finding the pin blindfold and thoughtreading? Subject, what is in this
MRS BREEN: You were the lion of the night with your seriocomic
recitation and you looked the part. You were always a favourite with the
BLOOM: (Squire of dames, in dinner jacket with wateredsilk facings, blue
masonic badge in his buttonhole, black bow and mother-of-pearl studs, a
prismatic champagne glass tilted in his hand.) Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Ireland, home and beauty.
MRS BREEN: The dear dead days beyond recall. Love’s old sweet song.
BLOOM: (Meaningfully dropping his voice.) I confess I’m teapot with
curiosity to find out whether some person’s something is a little
teapot at present.
MRS BREEN: (Gushingly.) Tremendously teapot! London’s teapot and I’m
simply teapot all over me! (She rubs sides with him.) After the parlour
mystery games and the crackers from the tree we sat on the staircase
ottoman. Under the mistletoe. Two is company.
BLOOM: (Wearing a purple Napoleon hat with an amber halfmoon, his
fingers and thumb passing slowly down to her soft moist meaty palm which
she surrenders gently.) The witching hour of night. I took the splinter
out of this hand, carefully, slowly. (Tenderly, as he slips on her
finger a ruby ring.) Là ci darem la mano.
MRS BREEN: (In a onepiece evening frock executed in moonlight blue, a
tinsel sylph’s diadem on her brow with her dancecard fallen beside
her moonblue satin slipper, curves her palm softly, breathing quickly.)
Voglio e non. You’re hot! You’re scalding! The left hand nearest the
BLOOM: When you made your present choice they said it was beauty and
the beast. I can never forgive you for that. (His clenched fist at his
brow.) Think what it means. All you meant to me then. (Hoarsely.) Woman,
it’s breaking me!
(Denis Breen, whitetallhatted, with Wisdom Hely’s sandwichboards,
shuffles past them in carpet slippers, his dull beard thrust out,
muttering to right and left. Little Alf Bergan, cloaked in the pall of
the ace of spades, dogs him to left and right, doubled in laughter.)
ALF BERGAN: (Points jeering at the sandwichboards.) U. p: up.
MRS BREEN: (To Bloom.) High jinks below stairs. (She gives him the glad
eye.) Why didn’t you kiss the spot to make it well? You wanted to.
BLOOM: (Shocked.) Molly’s best friend! Could you?
MRS BREEN: (Her pulpy tongue between her lips, offers a pigeon kiss.)
Hnhn. The answer is a lemon. Have you a little present for me there?
BLOOM: (Offhandedly.) Kosher. A snack for supper. The home without
potted meat is incomplete. I was at Leah, Mrs Bandmann Palmer. Trenchant
exponent of Shakespeare. Unfortunately threw away the programme.
Rattling good place round there for pigs’ feet. Feel.
(Richie Goulding, three ladies’ hats pinned on his head, appears
weighted to one side by the black legal bag of Collis and Ward on which
a skull and crossbones are painted in white limewash. He opens it
and shows it full of polonies, kippered herrings, Findon haddies and
RICHIE: Best value in Dub.
(Bald Pat, bothered beetle, stands on the curbstone, folding his napkin,
waiting to wait.)
PAT: (Advances with a tilted dish of spillspilling gravy.) Steak and
kidney. Bottle of lager. Hee hee hee. Wait till I wait.
RICHIE: Goodgod. Inev erate inall...
(With hanging head he marches doggedly forward. The navvy, lurching by,
gores him with his flaming pronghorn.)
RICHIE: (With a cry of pain, his hand to his back.) Ah! Bright’s!
BLOOM: (Points to the navvy.) A spy. Don’t attract attention. I hate
stupid crowds. I am not on pleasure bent. I am in a grave predicament.
MRS BREEN: Humbugging and deluthering as per usual with your cock and
BLOOM: I want to tell you a little secret about how I came to be here.
But you must never tell. Not even Molly. I have a most particular
MRS BREEN: (All agog.) O, not for worlds.
BLOOM: Let’s walk on. Shall us?
MRS BREEN: Let’s.
(The bawd makes an unheeded sign. Bloom walks on with Mrs Breen. The
terrier follows, whining piteously, wagging his tail.)
THE BAWD: Jewman’s melt!
BLOOM: (In an oatmeal sporting suit, a sprig of woodbine in the lapel,
tony buff shirt, shepherd’s plaid Saint Andrew’s cross scarftie,
white spats, fawn dustcoat on his arm, tawny red brogues, fieldglasses
in bandolier and a grey billycock hat.) Do you remember a long long
time, years and years ago, just after Milly, Marionette we called her,
was weaned when we all went together to Fairyhouse races, was it?
MRS BREEN: (In smart Saxe tailormade, white velours hat and spider
BLOOM: I mean, Leopardstown. And Molly won seven shillings on a three
year old named Nevertell and coming home along by Foxrock in that old
fiveseater shanderadan of a waggonette you were in your heyday then and
you had on that new hat of white velours with a surround of molefur that
Mrs Hayes advised you to buy because it was marked down to nineteen and
eleven, a bit of wire and an old rag of velveteen, and I’ll lay you
what you like she did it on purpose...
MRS BREEN: She did, of course, the cat! Don’t tell me! Nice adviser!
BLOOM: Because it didn’t suit you one quarter as well as the other
ducky little tammy toque with the bird of paradise wing in it that I
admired on you and you honestly looked just too fetching in it though
it was a pity to kill it, you cruel naughty creature, little mite of a
thing with a heart the size of a fullstop.
MRS BREEN: (Squeezes his arm, simpers.) Naughty cruel I was!
BLOOM: (Low, secretly, ever more rapidly.) And Molly was eating a
sandwich of spiced beef out of Mrs Joe Gallaher’s lunch basket.
Frankly, though she had her advisers or admirers, I never cared much for
her style. She was...
MRS BREEN: Too...
BLOOM: Yes. And Molly was laughing because Rogers and Maggot O’Reilly
were mimicking a cock as we passed a farmhouse and Marcus Tertius Moses,
the tea merchant, drove past us in a gig with his daughter, Dancer Moses
was her name, and the poodle in her lap bridled up and you asked me if I
ever heard or read or knew or came across...
MRS BREEN: (Eagerly.) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
(She fades from his side. Followed by the whining dog he walks on
towards hellsgates. In an archway a standing woman, bent forward, her
feet apart, pisses cowily. Outside a shuttered pub a bunch of loiterers
listen to a tale which their brokensnouted gaffer rasps out with raucous
humour. An armless pair of them flop wrestling, growling, in maimed
THE GAFFER: (Crouches, his voice twisted in his snout.) And when Cairns
came down from the scaffolding in Beaver street what was he after doing
it into only into the bucket of porter that was there waiting on the
shavings for Derwan’s plasterers.
THE LOITERERS: (Guffaw with cleft palates.) O jays!
(Their paintspeckled hats wag. Spattered with size and lime of their
lodges they frisk limblessly about him.)
BLOOM: Coincidence too. They think it funny. Anything but that. Broad
daylight. Trying to walk. Lucky no woman.
THE LOITERERS: Jays, that’s a good one. Glauber salts. O jays, into
the men’s porter.
(Bloom passes. Cheap whores, singly, coupled, shawled, dishevelled, call
from lanes, doors, corners.)
 Are you going far, queer fellow?
 How’s your middle leg?
 Got a match on you?
 Eh, come here till I stiffen it for you.
(He plodges through their sump towards the lighted street beyond. From a
bulge of window curtains a gramophone rears a battered brazen trunk. In
the shadow a shebeenkeeper haggles with the navvy and the two redcoats.)
THE NAVVY: (Belching.) Where’s the bloody house?
THE SHEBEENKEEPER: Purdon street. Shilling a bottle of stout.
THE NAVVY: (Gripping the two redcoats, staggers forward with them.) Come
on, you British army!
PRIVATE CARR: (Behind his back.) He aint half balmy.
PRIVATE COMPTON: (Laughs.) What ho!
PRIVATE CARR: (To the navvy.) Portobello barracks canteen. You ask for
Carr. Just Carr.
THE NAVVY: (Shouts.)
 We are the boys. Of Wexford.
PRIVATE COMPTON: Say! What price the sergeantmajor?
PRIVATE CARR: Bennett? He’s my pal. I love old Bennett.
THE NAVVY: (Shouts.)
 The galling chain.
 And free our native land.
(He staggers forward, dragging them with him. Bloom stops, at fault. The
dog approaches, his tongue outlolling, panting.)
BLOOM: Wildgoose chase this. Disorderly houses. Lord knows where they
are gone. Drunks cover distance double quick. Nice mixup. Scene at
Westland row. Then jump in first class with third ticket. Then too far.
Train with engine behind. Might have taken me to Malahide or a siding
for the night or collision. Second drink does it. Once is a dose.
What am I following him for? Still, he’s the best of that lot. If
I hadn’t heard about Mrs Beaufoy Purefoy I wouldn’t have gone and
wouldn’t have met. Kismet. He’ll lose that cash. Relieving office
here. Good biz for cheapjacks, organs. What do ye lack? Soon got,
soon gone. Might have lost my life too with that
mangongwheeltracktrolleyglarejuggernaut only for presence of mind.
Can’t always save you, though. If I had passed Truelock’s window
that day two minutes later would have been shot. Absence of body. Still
if bullet only went through my coat get damages for shock, five hundred
pounds. What was he? Kildare street club toff. God help his gamekeeper.
(He gazes ahead, reading on the wall a scrawled chalk legend Wet Dream
and a phallic design.) Odd! Molly drawing on the frosted carriagepane
at Kingstown. What’s that like? (Gaudy dollwomen loll in the lighted
doorways, in window embrasures, smoking birdseye cigarettes. The
odour of the sicksweet weed floats towards him in slow round ovalling
THE WREATHS: Sweet are the sweets. Sweets of sin.
BLOOM: My spine’s a bit limp. Go or turn? And this food? Eat it and
get all pigsticky. Absurd I am. Waste of money. One and eightpence too
much. (The retriever drives a cold snivelling muzzle against his hand,
wagging his tail.) Strange how they take to me. Even that brute today.
Better speak to him first. Like women they like rencontres. Stinks like
a polecat. Chacun son goût. He might be mad. Dogdays. Uncertain in
his movements. Good fellow! Fido! Good fellow! Garryowen! (The wolfdog
sprawls on his back, wriggling obscenely with begging paws, his long
black tongue lolling out.) Influence of his surroundings. Give and have
done with it. Provided nobody. (Calling encouraging words he shambles
back with a furtive poacher’s tread, dogged by the setter into a dark
stalestunk corner. He unrolls one parcel and goes to dump the crubeen
softly but holds back and feels the trotter.) Sizeable for threepence.
But then I have it in my left hand. Calls for more effort. Why? Smaller
from want of use. O, let it slide. Two and six.
(With regret he lets the unrolled crubeen and trotter slide. The
mastiff mauls the bundle clumsily and gluts himself with growling greed,
crunching the bones. Two raincaped watch approach, silent, vigilant.
They murmur together.)
THE WATCH: Bloom. Of Bloom. For Bloom. Bloom.
(Each lays hand on Bloom’s shoulder.)
FIRST WATCH: Caught in the act. Commit no nuisance.
BLOOM: (Stammers.) I am doing good to others.
(A covey of gulls, storm petrels, rises hungrily from Liffey slime with
Banbury cakes in their beaks.)
THE GULLS: Kaw kave kankury kake.
BLOOM: The friend of man. Trained by kindness.
(He points. Bob Doran, toppling from a high barstool, sways over the
BOB DORAN: Towser. Give us the paw. Give the paw.
(The bulldog growls, his scruff standing, a gobbet of pig’s knuckle
between his molars through which rabid scumspittle dribbles. Bob Doran
falls silently into an area.)
SECOND WATCH: Prevention of cruelty to animals.
BLOOM: (Enthusiastically.) A noble work! I scolded that tramdriver on
Harold’s cross bridge for illusing the poor horse with his harness
scab. Bad French I got for my pains. Of course it was frosty and the
last tram. All tales of circus life are highly demoralising.
(Signor Maffei, passionpale, in liontamer’s costume with diamond studs
in his shirtfront, steps forward, holding a circus paperhoop, a curling
carriagewhip and a revolver with which he covers the gorging boarhound.)
SIGNOR MAFFEI: (With a sinister smile.) Ladies and gentlemen, my
educated greyhound. It was I broke in the bucking broncho Ajax with my
patent spiked saddle for carnivores. Lash under the belly with a knotted
thong. Block tackle and a strangling pulley will bring your lion
to heel, no matter how fractious, even Leo ferox there, the Libyan
maneater. A redhot crowbar and some liniment rubbing on the burning part
produced Fritz of Amsterdam, the thinking hyena. (He glares.) I possess
the Indian sign. The glint of my eye does it with these breastsparklers.
(With a bewitching smile.) I now introduce Mademoiselle Ruby, the pride
of the ring.
FIRST WATCH: Come. Name and address.
BLOOM: I have forgotten for the moment. Ah, yes! (He takes off his high
grade hat, saluting.) Dr Bloom, Leopold, dental surgeon. You have heard
of von Blum Pasha. Umpteen millions. Donnerwetter! Owns half Austria.
FIRST WATCH: Proof.
(A card falls from inside the leather headband of Bloom’s hat.)
BLOOM: (In red fez, cadi’s dress coat with broad green sash, wearing
a false badge of the Legion of Honour, picks up the card hastily and
offers it.) Allow me. My club is the Junior Army and Navy. Solicitors:
Messrs John Henry Menton, 27 Bachelor’s Walk.
FIRST WATCH: (Reads.) Henry Flower. No fixed abode. Unlawfully watching
SECOND WATCH: An alibi. You are cautioned.
BLOOM: (Produces from his heartpocket a crumpled yellow flower.) This
is the flower in question. It was given me by a man I don’t know his
name. (Plausibly.) You know that old joke, rose of Castile. Bloom. The
change of name. Virag. (He murmurs privately and confidentially.) We
are engaged you see, sergeant. Lady in the case. Love entanglement.
(He shoulders the second watch gently.) Dash it all. It’s a way we
gallants have in the navy. Uniform that does it. (He turns gravely to
the first watch.) Still, of course, you do get your Waterloo sometimes.
Drop in some evening and have a glass of old Burgundy. (To the second
watch gaily.) I’ll introduce you, inspector. She’s game. Do it in
the shake of a lamb’s tail.
(A dark mercurialised face appears, leading a veiled figure.)
THE DARK MERCURY: The Castle is looking for him. He was drummed out of
MARTHA: (Thickveiled, a crimson halter round her neck, a copy of the
Irish Times in her hand, in tone of reproach, pointing.) Henry! Leopold!
Lionel, thou lost one! Clear my name.
FIRST WATCH: (Sternly.) Come to the station.
BLOOM: (Scared, hats himself, steps back, then, plucking at his heart
and lifting his right forearm on the square, he gives the sign and
dueguard of fellowcraft.) No, no, worshipful master, light of love.
Mistaken identity. The Lyons mail. Lesurques and Dubosc. You remember
the Childs fratricide case. We medical men. By striking him dead with
a hatchet. I am wrongfully accused. Better one guilty escape than
ninetynine wrongfully condemned.
MARTHA: (Sobbing behind her veil.) Breach of promise. My real name is
Peggy Griffin. He wrote to me that he was miserable. I’ll tell my
brother, the Bective rugger fullback, on you, heartless flirt.
BLOOM: (Behind his hand.) She’s drunk. The woman is inebriated. (He
murmurs vaguely the pass of Ephraim.) Shitbroleeth.
SECOND WATCH: (Tears in his eyes, to Bloom.) You ought to be thoroughly
well ashamed of yourself.
BLOOM: Gentlemen of the jury, let me explain. A pure mare’s nest. I am
a man misunderstood. I am being made a scapegoat of. I am a respectable
married man, without a stain on my character. I live in Eccles street.
My wife, I am the daughter of a most distinguished commander, a gallant
upstanding gentleman, what do you call him, Majorgeneral Brian Tweedy,
one of Britain’s fighting men who helped to win our battles. Got his
majority for the heroic defence of Rorke’s Drift.
FIRST WATCH: Regiment.
BLOOM: (Turns to the gallery.) The royal Dublins, boys, the salt of the
earth, known the world over. I think I see some old comrades in arms
up there among you. The R. D. F., with our own Metropolitan police,
guardians of our homes, the pluckiest lads and the finest body of men,
as physique, in the service of our sovereign.
A VOICE: Turncoat! Up the Boers! Who booed Joe Chamberlain?
BLOOM: (His hand on the shoulder of the first watch.) My old dad too was
a J. P. I’m as staunch a Britisher as you are, sir. I fought with the
colours for king and country in the absentminded war under general
Gough in the park and was disabled at Spion Kop and Bloemfontein,
was mentioned in dispatches. I did all a white man could. (With quiet
feeling.) Jim Bludso. Hold her nozzle again the bank.
FIRST WATCH: Profession or trade.
BLOOM: Well, I follow a literary occupation, author-journalist. In fact
we are just bringing out a collection of prize stories of which I am the
inventor, something that is an entirely new departure. I am connected
with the British and Irish press. If you ring up...
(Myles Crawford strides out jerkily, a quill between his teeth. His
scarlet beak blazes within the aureole of his straw hat. He dangles
a hank of Spanish onions in one hand and holds with the other hand a
telephone receiver nozzle to his ear.)
MYLES CRAWFORD: (His cock’s wattles wagging.) Hello, seventyseven
eightfour. Hello. Freeman’s Urinal and Weekly Arsewipe here. Paralyse
Europe. You which? Bluebags? Who writes? Is it Bloom?
(Mr Philip Beaufoy, palefaced, stands in the witnessbox, in accurate
morning dress, outbreast pocket with peak of handkerchief showing,
creased lavender trousers and patent boots. He carries a large portfolio
labelled Matcham’s Masterstrokes.)
BEAUFOY: (Drawls.) No, you aren’t. Not by a long shot if I know it.
I don’t see it, that’s all. No born gentleman, no-one with the most
rudimentary promptings of a gentleman would stoop to such particularly
loathsome conduct. One of those, my lord. A plagiarist. A soapy sneak
masquerading as a literateur. It’s perfectly obvious that with the
most inherent baseness he has cribbed some of my bestselling copy,
really gorgeous stuff, a perfect gem, the love passages in which are
beneath suspicion. The Beaufoy books of love and great possessions,
with which your lordship is doubtless familiar, are a household word
throughout the kingdom.
BLOOM: (Murmurs with hangdog meekness glum.) That bit about the laughing
witch hand in hand I take exception to, if I may...
BEAUFOY: (His lip upcurled, smiles superciliously on the court.) You
funny ass, you! You’re too beastly awfully weird for words! I don’t
think you need over excessively disincommodate yourself in that regard.
My literary agent Mr J. B. Pinker is in attendance. I presume, my
lord, we shall receive the usual witnesses’ fees, shan’t we? We are
considerably out of pocket over this bally pressman johnny, this jackdaw
of Rheims, who has not even been to a university.
BLOOM: (Indistinctly.) University of life. Bad art.
BEAUFOY: (Shouts.) It’s a damnably foul lie, showing the moral
rottenness of the man! (He extends his portfolio.) We have here damning
evidence, the corpus delicti, my lord, a specimen of my maturer work
disfigured by the hallmark of the beast.
A VOICE FROM THE GALLERY:
 Moses, Moses, king of the jews,
 Wiped his arse in the Daily News.
BLOOM: (Bravely.) Overdrawn.
BEAUFOY: You low cad! You ought to be ducked in the horsepond, you
rotter! (To the court.) Why, look at the man’s private life! Leading
a quadruple existence! Street angel and house devil. Not fit to be
mentioned in mixed society! The archconspirator of the age!
BLOOM: (To the court.) And he, a bachelor, how...
FIRST WATCH: The King versus Bloom. Call the woman Driscoll.
THE CRIER: Mary Driscoll, scullerymaid!
(Mary Driscoll, a slipshod servant girl, approaches. She has a bucket on
the crook of her arm and a scouringbrush in her hand.)
SECOND WATCH: Another! Are you of the unfortunate class?
MARY DRISCOLL: (Indignantly.) I’m not a bad one. I bear a respectable
character and was four months in my last place. I was in a situation,
six pounds a year and my chances with Fridays out and I had to leave
owing to his carryings on.
FIRST WATCH: What do you tax him with?
MARY DRISCOLL: He made a certain suggestion but I thought more of myself
as poor as I am.
BLOOM: (In housejacket of ripplecloth, flannel trousers, heelless
slippers, unshaven, his hair rumpled: softly.) I treated you white.
I gave you mementos, smart emerald garters far above your station.
Incautiously I took your part when you were accused of pilfering.
There’s a medium in all things. Play cricket.
MARY DRISCOLL: (Excitedly.) As God is looking down on me this night if
ever I laid a hand to them oylsters!
FIRST WATCH: The offence complained of? Did something happen?
MARY DRISCOLL: He surprised me in the rere of the premises, Your honour,
when the missus was out shopping one morning with a request for a safety
pin. He held me and I was discoloured in four places as a result. And he
interfered twict with my clothing.
BLOOM: She counterassaulted.
MARY DRISCOLL: (Scornfully.) I had more respect for the scouringbrush,
so I had. I remonstrated with him, Your lord, and he remarked: keep it
GEORGE FOTTRELL: (Clerk of the crown and peace, resonantly.) Order in
court! The accused will now make a bogus statement.
(Bloom, pleading not guilty and holding a fullblown waterlily, begins a
long unintelligible speech. They would hear what counsel had to say in
his stirring address to the grand jury. He was down and out but, though
branded as a black sheep, if he might say so, he meant to reform, to
retrieve the memory of the past in a purely sisterly way and return to
nature as a purely domestic animal. A sevenmonths’ child, he had been
carefully brought up and nurtured by an aged bedridden parent. There
might have been lapses of an erring father but he wanted to turn over
a new leaf and now, when at long last in sight of the whipping post,
to lead a homely life in the evening of his days, permeated by the
affectionate surroundings of the heaving bosom of the family. An
acclimatised Britisher, he had seen that summer eve from the footplate
of an engine cab of the Loop line railway company while the rain
refrained from falling glimpses, as it were, through the windows of
loveful households in Dublin city and urban district of scenes truly
rural of happiness of the better land with Dockrell’s wallpaper at one
and ninepence a dozen, innocent Britishborn bairns lisping prayers to
the Sacred Infant, youthful scholars grappling with their pensums or
model young ladies playing on the pianoforte or anon all with fervour
reciting the family rosary round the crackling Yulelog while in the
boreens and green lanes the colleens with their swains strolled what
times the strains of the organtoned melodeon Britannia metalbound with
four acting stops and twelvefold bellows, a sacrifice, greatest bargain
(Renewed laughter. He mumbles incoherently. Reporters complain that they
LONGHAND AND SHORTHAND: (Without looking up from their notebooks.)
Loosen his boots.
PROFESSOR MACHUGH: (From the presstable, coughs and calls.) Cough it up,
man. Get it out in bits.
(The crossexamination proceeds re Bloom and the bucket. A large bucket.
Bloom himself. Bowel trouble. In Beaver street. Gripe, yes. Quite bad.
A plasterer’s bucket. By walking stifflegged. Suffered untold misery.
Deadly agony. About noon. Love or burgundy. Yes, some spinach. Crucial
moment. He did not look in the bucket. Nobody. Rather a mess. Not
completely. A Titbits back number.)
(Uproar and catcalls. Bloom in a torn frockcoat stained with whitewash,
dinged silk hat sideways on his head, a strip of stickingplaster across
his nose, talks inaudibly.)
J. J. O’MOLLOY: (In barrister’s grey wig and stuffgown, speaking
with a voice of pained protest.) This is no place for indecent levity
at the expense of an erring mortal disguised in liquor. We are not in
a beargarden nor at an Oxford rag nor is this a travesty of justice. My
client is an infant, a poor foreign immigrant who started scratch as
a stowaway and is now trying to turn an honest penny. The trumped up
misdemeanour was due to a momentary aberration of heredity, brought on
by hallucination, such familiarities as the alleged guilty occurrence
being quite permitted in my client’s native place, the land of the
Pharaoh. Prima facie, I put it to you that there was no attempt at
carnally knowing. Intimacy did not occur and the offence complained of
by Driscoll, that her virtue was solicited, was not repeated. I would
deal in especial with atavism. There have been cases of shipwreck and
somnambulism in my client’s family. If the accused could speak he
could a tale unfold—one of the strangest that have ever been narrated
between the covers of a book. He himself, my lord, is a physical wreck
from cobbler’s weak chest. His submission is that he is of Mongolian
extraction and irresponsible for his actions. Not all there, in fact.
BLOOM: (Barefoot, pigeonbreasted, in lascar’s vest and trousers,
apologetic toes turned in, opens his tiny mole’s eyes and looks about
him dazedly, passing a slow hand across his forehead. Then he hitches
his belt sailor fashion and with a shrug of oriental obeisance salutes
the court, pointing one thumb heavenward.) Him makee velly muchee fine
night. (He begins to lilt simply.)
 Li li poo lil chile
 Blingee pigfoot evly night
 Payee two shilly...
(He is howled down.)
J. J. O’MOLLOY: (Hotly to the populace.) This is a lonehand fight. By
Hades, I will not have any client of mine gagged and badgered in this
fashion by a pack of curs and laughing hyenas. The Mosaic code has
superseded the law of the jungle. I say it and I say it emphatically,
without wishing for one moment to defeat the ends of justice, accused
was not accessory before the act and prosecutrix has not been tampered
with. The young person was treated by defendant as if she were his very
own daughter. (Bloom takes J. J. O’Molloy’s hand and raises it to
his lips.) I shall call rebutting evidence to prove up to the hilt that
the hidden hand is again at its old game. When in doubt persecute Bloom.
My client, an innately bashful man, would be the last man in the world
to do anything ungentlemanly which injured modesty could object to or
cast a stone at a girl who took the wrong turning when some dastard,
responsible for her condition, had worked his own sweet will on her. He
wants to go straight. I regard him as the whitest man I know. He is down
on his luck at present owing to the mortgaging of his extensive property
at Agendath Netaim in faraway Asia Minor, slides of which will now be
shown. (To Bloom.) I suggest that you will do the handsome thing.
BLOOM: A penny in the pound.
(The image of the lake of Kinnereth with blurred cattle cropping in
silver haze is projected on the wall. Moses Dlugacz, ferreteyed albino,
in blue dungarees, stands up in the gallery, holding in each hand an
orange citron and a pork kidney.)
DLUGACZ: (Hoarsely.) Bleibtreustrasse, Berlin, W. 13.
(J. J. O’Molloy steps on to a low plinth and holds the lapel of his
coat with solemnity. His face lengthens, grows pale and bearded, with
sunken eyes, the blotches of phthisis and hectic cheekbones of John F.
Taylor. He applies his handkerchief to his mouth and scrutinises the
galloping tide of rosepink blood.)
J. J. O’MOLLOY: (Almost voicelessly.) Excuse me. I am suffering from a
severe chill, have recently come from a sickbed. A few wellchosen words.
(He assumes the avine head, foxy moustache and proboscidal eloquence of
Seymour Bushe.) When the angel’s book comes to be opened if aught
that the pensive bosom has inaugurated of soultransfigured and of
soultransfiguring deserves to live I say accord the prisoner at the bar
the sacred benefit of the doubt.
(A paper with something written on it is handed into court.)
BLOOM: (In court dress.) Can give best references. Messrs Callan,
Coleman. Mr Wisdom Hely J. P. My old chief Joe Cuffe. Mr V. B. Dillon,
ex lord mayor of Dublin. I have moved in the charmed circle of the
highest... Queens of Dublin society. (Carelessly.) I was just chatting
this afternoon at the viceregal lodge to my old pals, sir Robert and
lady Ball, astronomer royal, at the levee. Sir Bob, I said...
MRS YELVERTON BARRY: (In lowcorsaged opal balldress and elbowlength
ivory gloves, wearing a sabletrimmed brickquilted dolman, a comb of
brilliants and panache of osprey in her hair.) Arrest him, constable. He
wrote me an anonymous letter in prentice backhand when my husband was
in the North Riding of Tipperary on the Munster circuit, signed James
Lovebirch. He said that he had seen from the gods my peerless globes
as I sat in a box of the Theatre Royal at a command performance of La
Cigale. I deeply inflamed him, he said. He made improper overtures to me
to misconduct myself at half past four p.m. on the following Thursday,
Dunsink time. He offered to send me through the post a work of fiction
by Monsieur Paul de Kock, entitled The Girl with the Three Pairs of
MRS BELLINGHAM: (In cap and seal coney mantle, wrapped up to the
nose, steps out of her brougham and scans through tortoiseshell
quizzing-glasses which she takes from inside her huge opossum muff.)
Also to me. Yes, I believe it is the same objectionable person. Because
he closed my carriage door outside sir Thornley Stoker’s one sleety
day during the cold snap of February ninetythree when even the grid
of the wastepipe and the ballstop in my bath cistern were frozen.
Subsequently he enclosed a bloom of edelweiss culled on the heights,
as he said, in my honour. I had it examined by a botanical expert and
elicited the information that it was a blossom of the homegrown potato
plant purloined from a forcingcase of the model farm.
MRS YELVERTON BARRY: Shame on him!
(A crowd of sluts and ragamuffins surges forward.)
THE SLUTS AND RAGAMUFFINS: (Screaming.) Stop thief! Hurrah there,
Bluebeard! Three cheers for Ikey Mo!
SECOND WATCH: (Produces handcuffs.) Here are the darbies.
MRS BELLINGHAM: He addressed me in several handwritings with fulsome
compliments as a Venus in furs and alleged profound pity for my
frostbound coachman Palmer while in the same breath he expressed himself
as envious of his earflaps and fleecy sheepskins and of his fortunate
proximity to my person, when standing behind my chair wearing my livery
and the armorial bearings of the Bellingham escutcheon garnished sable,
a buck’s head couped or. He lauded almost extravagantly my nether
extremities, my swelling calves in silk hose drawn up to the limit, and
eulogised glowingly my other hidden treasures in priceless lace which,
he said, he could conjure up. He urged me (Stating that he felt it
his mission in life to urge me.) to defile the marriage bed, to commit
adultery at the earliest possible opportunity.
THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS: (In amazon costume, hard hat,
jackboots cockspurred, vermilion waistcoat, fawn musketeer gauntlets
with braided drums, long train held up and hunting crop with which she
strikes her welt constantly.) Also me. Because he saw me on the polo
ground of the Phoenix park at the match All Ireland versus the Rest of
Ireland. My eyes, I know, shone divinely as I watched Captain Slogger
Dennehy of the Inniskillings win the final chukkar on his darling cob
Centaur. This plebeian Don Juan observed me from behind a hackney car
and sent me in double envelopes an obscene photograph, such as are sold
after dark on Paris boulevards, insulting to any lady. I have it still.
It represents a partially nude señorita, frail and lovely (his wife,
as he solemnly assured me, taken by him from nature), practising illicit
intercourse with a muscular torero, evidently a blackguard. He urged me
to do likewise, to misbehave, to sin with officers of the garrison. He
implored me to soil his letter in an unspeakable manner, to chastise
him as he richly deserves, to bestride and ride him, to give him a most
MRS BELLINGHAM: Me too.
MRS YELVERTON BARRY: Me too.
(Several highly respectable Dublin ladies hold up improper letters
received from Bloom.)
THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS: (Stamps her jingling spurs in a
sudden paroxysm of fury.) I will, by the God above me. I’ll scourge
the pigeonlivered cur as long as I can stand over him. I’ll flay him
BLOOM: (His eyes closing, quails expectantly.) Here? (He squirms.)
Again! (He pants cringing.) I love the danger.
THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS: Very much so! I’ll make it hot for
you. I’ll make you dance Jack Latten for that.
MRS BELLINGHAM: Tan his breech well, the upstart! Write the stars and
stripes on it!
MRS YELVERTON BARRY: Disgraceful! There’s no excuse for him! A married
BLOOM: All these people. I meant only the spanking idea. A warm tingling
glow without effusion. Refined birching to stimulate the circulation.
THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS: (Laughs derisively.) O, did you, my
fine fellow? Well, by the living God, you’ll get the surprise of your
life now, believe me, the most unmerciful hiding a man ever bargained
for. You have lashed the dormant tigress in my nature into fury.
MRS BELLINGHAM: (Shakes her muff and quizzing-glasses vindictively.)
Make him smart, Hanna dear. Give him ginger. Thrash the mongrel within
an inch of his life. The cat-o’-nine-tails. Geld him. Vivisect him.
BLOOM: (Shuddering, shrinking, joins his hands: with hangdog mien.) O
cold! O shivery! It was your ambrosial beauty. Forget, forgive. Kismet.
Let me off this once. (He offers the other cheek.)
MRS YELVERTON BARRY: (Severely.) Don’t do so on any account, Mrs
Talboys! He should be soundly trounced!
THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS: (Unbuttoning her gauntlet violently.)
I’ll do no such thing. Pigdog and always was ever since he was
pupped! To dare address me! I’ll flog him black and blue in the public
streets. I’ll dig my spurs in him up to the rowel. He is a wellknown
cuckold. (She swishes her huntingcrop savagely in the air.) Take down
his trousers without loss of time. Come here, sir! Quick! Ready?
BLOOM: (Trembling, beginning to obey.) The weather has been so warm.
(Davy Stephens, ringletted, passes with a bevy of barefoot newsboys.)
DAVY STEPHENS: Messenger of the Sacred Heart and Evening Telegraph with
Saint Patrick’s Day supplement. Containing the new addresses of all
the cuckolds in Dublin.
(The very reverend Canon O’Hanlon in cloth of gold cope elevates and
exposes a marble timepiece. Before him Father Conroy and the reverend
John Hughes S. J. bend low.)
THE TIMEPIECE: (Unportalling.)
(The brass quoits of a bed are heard to jingle.)
THE QUOITS: Jigjag. Jigajiga. Jigjag.
(A panel of fog rolls back rapidly, revealing rapidly in the jurybox
the faces of Martin Cunningham, foreman, silkhatted, Jack Power, Simon
Dedalus, Tom Kernan, Ned Lambert, John Henry Menton, Myles Crawford,
Lenehan, Paddy Leonard, Nosey Flynn, M’Coy and the featureless face of
a Nameless One.)
THE NAMELESS ONE: Bareback riding. Weight for age. Gob, he organised
THE JURORS: (All their heads turned to his voice.) Really?
THE NAMELESS ONE: (Snarls.) Arse over tip. Hundred shillings to five.
THE JURORS: (All their heads lowered in assent.) Most of us thought as
FIRST WATCH: He is a marked man. Another girl’s plait cut. Wanted:
Jack the Ripper. A thousand pounds reward.
SECOND WATCH: (Awed, whispers.) And in black. A mormon. Anarchist.
THE CRIER: (Loudly.) Whereas Leopold Bloom of no fixed abode is a
wellknown dynamitard, forger, bigamist, bawd and cuckold and a public
nuisance to the citizens of Dublin and whereas at this commission of
assizes the most honourable...
(His Honour, sir Frederick Falkiner, recorder of Dublin, in judicial
garb of grey stone rises from the bench, stonebearded. He bears in his
arms an umbrella sceptre. From his forehead arise starkly the Mosaic
THE RECORDER: I will put an end to this white slave traffic and rid
Dublin of this odious pest. Scandalous! (He dons the black cap.) Let him
be taken, Mr Subsheriff, from the dock where he now stands and detained
in custody in Mountjoy prison during His Majesty’s pleasure and there
be hanged by the neck until he is dead and therein fail not at your
peril or may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Remove him. (A black
skullcap descends upon his head.)
(The subsheriff Long John Fanning appears, smoking a pungent Henry
LONG JOHN FANNING: (Scowls and calls with rich rolling utterance.)
Who’ll hang Judas Iscariot?
(H. Rumbold, master barber, in a bloodcoloured jerkin and tanner’s
apron, a rope coiled over his shoulder, mounts the block. A life
preserver and a nailstudded bludgeon are stuck in his belt. He rubs
grimly his grappling hands, knobbed with knuckledusters.)
RUMBOLD: (To the recorder with sinister familiarity.) Hanging Harry,
your Majesty, the Mersey terror. Five guineas a jugular. Neck or
(The bells of George’s church toll slowly, loud dark iron.)
THE BELLS: Heigho! Heigho!
BLOOM: (Desperately.) Wait. Stop. Gulls. Good heart. I saw. Innocence.
Girl in the monkeyhouse. Zoo. Lewd chimpanzee. (Breathlessly.) Pelvic
basin. Her artless blush unmanned me. (Overcome with emotion.) I left
the precincts. (He turns to a figure in the crowd, appealing.) Hynes,
may I speak to you? You know me. That three shillings you can keep. If
you want a little more...
HYNES: (Coldly.) You are a perfect stranger.
SECOND WATCH: (Points to the corner.) The bomb is here.
FIRST WATCH: Infernal machine with a time fuse.
BLOOM: No, no. Pig’s feet. I was at a funeral.
FIRST WATCH: (Draws his truncheon.) Liar!
(The beagle lifts his snout, showing the grey scorbutic face of Paddy
Dignam. He has gnawed all. He exhales a putrid carcasefed breath.
He grows to human size and shape. His dachshund coat becomes a brown
mortuary habit. His green eye flashes bloodshot. Half of one ear, all
the nose and both thumbs are ghouleaten.)
PADDY DIGNAM: (In a hollow voice.) It is true. It was my funeral. Doctor
Finucane pronounced life extinct when I succumbed to the disease from
(He lifts his mutilated ashen face moonwards and bays lugubriously.)
BLOOM: (In triumph.) You hear?
PADDY DIGNAM: Bloom, I am Paddy Dignam’s spirit. List, list, O list!
BLOOM: The voice is the voice of Esau.
SECOND WATCH: (Blesses himself.) How is that possible?
FIRST WATCH: It is not in the penny catechism.
PADDY DIGNAM: By metempsychosis. Spooks.
A VOICE: O rocks.
PADDY DIGNAM: (Earnestly.) Once I was in the employ of Mr J. H. Menton,
solicitor, commissioner for oaths and affidavits, of 27 Bachelor’s
Walk. Now I am defunct, the wall of the heart hypertrophied. Hard lines.
The poor wife was awfully cut up. How is she bearing it? Keep her off
that bottle of sherry. (He looks round him.) A lamp. I must satisfy an
animal need. That buttermilk didn’t agree with me.
(The portly figure of John O’Connell, caretaker, stands forth, holding
a bunch of keys tied with crape. Beside him stands Father Coffey,
chaplain, toadbellied, wrynecked, in a surplice and bandanna nightcap,
holding sleepily a staff of twisted poppies.)
FATHER COFFEY: (Yawns, then chants with a hoarse croak.) Namine. Jacobs.
JOHN O’CONNELL: (Foghorns stormily through his megaphone.) Dignam,
Patrick T, deceased.
PADDY DIGNAM: (With pricked up ears, winces.) Overtones. (He wriggles
forward and places an ear to the ground.) My master’s voice!
JOHN O’CONNELL: Burial docket letter number U. P. eightyfive thousand.
Field seventeen. House of Keys. Plot, one hundred and one.
(Paddy Dignam listens with visible effort, thinking, his tail
stiffpointed, his ears cocked.)
PADDY DIGNAM: Pray for the repose of his soul.
(He worms down through a coalhole, his brown habit trailing its tether
over rattling pebbles. After him toddles an obese grandfather rat on
fungus turtle paws under a grey carapace. Dignam’s voice, muffled, is
heard baying under ground: Dignam’s dead and gone below. Tom Rochford,
robinredbreasted, in cap and breeches, jumps from his twocolumned
TOM ROCHFORD: (A hand to his breastbone, bows.) Reuben J. A florin I
find him. (He fixes the manhole with a resolute stare.) My turn now on.
Follow me up to Carlow.
(He executes a daredevil salmon leap in the air and is engulfed in the
coalhole. Two discs on the columns wobble, eyes of nought. All recedes.
Bloom plodges forward again through the sump. Kisses chirp amid
the rifts of fog. A piano sounds. He stands before a lighted house,
listening. The kisses, winging from their bowers, fly about him,
twittering, warbling, cooing.)
THE KISSES: (Warbling.) Leo! (Twittering.) Icky licky micky sticky for
Leo! (Cooing.) Coo coocoo! Yummyyum, Womwom! (Warbling.) Big comebig!
Pirouette! Leopopold! (Twittering.) Leeolee! (Warbling.) O Leo!
(They rustle, flutter upon his garments, alight, bright giddy flecks,
BLOOM: A man’s touch. Sad music. Church music. Perhaps here.
(Zoe Higgins, a young whore in a sapphire slip, closed with three bronze
buckles, a slim black velvet fillet round her throat, nods, trips down
the steps and accosts him.)
ZOE: Are you looking for someone? He’s inside with his friend.
BLOOM: Is this Mrs Mack’s?
ZOE: No, eightyone. Mrs Cohen’s. You might go farther and fare worse.
Mother Slipperslapper. (Familiarly.) She’s on the job herself tonight
with the vet her tipster that gives her all the winners and pays for
her son in Oxford. Working overtime but her luck’s turned today.
(Suspiciously.) You’re not his father, are you?
BLOOM: Not I!
ZOE: You both in black. Has little mousey any tickles tonight?
(His skin, alert, feels her fingertips approach. A hand glides over his
ZOE: How’s the nuts?
BLOOM: Off side. Curiously they are on the right. Heavier, I suppose.
One in a million my tailor, Mesias, says.
ZOE: (In sudden alarm.) You’ve a hard chancre.
BLOOM: Not likely.
ZOE: I feel it.
(Her hand slides into his left trouser pocket and brings out a hard
black shrivelled potato. She regards it and Bloom with dumb moist lips.)
BLOOM: A talisman. Heirloom.
ZOE: For Zoe? For keeps? For being so nice, eh?
(She puts the potato greedily into a pocket then links his arm, cuddling
him with supple warmth. He smiles uneasily. Slowly, note by note,
oriental music is played. He gazes in the tawny crystal of her eyes,
ringed with kohol. His smile softens.)
ZOE: You’ll know me the next time.
BLOOM: (Forlornly.) I never loved a dear gazelle but it was sure to...
(Gazelles are leaping, feeding on the mountains. Near are lakes. Round
their shores file shadows black of cedargroves. Aroma rises, a strong
hairgrowth of resin. It burns, the orient, a sky of sapphire, cleft by
the bronze flight of eagles. Under it lies the womancity, nude, white,
still, cool, in luxury. A fountain murmurs among damask roses. Mammoth
roses murmur of scarlet winegrapes. A wine of shame, lust, blood exudes,
ZOE: (Murmuring singsong with the music, her odalisk lips lusciously
smeared with salve of swinefat and rosewater.) Schorach ani wenowach,
BLOOM: (Fascinated.) I thought you were of good stock by your accent.
ZOE: And you know what thought did?
(She bites his ear gently with little goldstopped teeth, sending on
him a cloying breath of stale garlic. The roses draw apart, disclose a
sepulchre of the gold of kings and their mouldering bones.)
BLOOM: (Draws back, mechanically caressing her right bub with a flat
awkward hand.) Are you a Dublin girl?
ZOE: (Catches a stray hair deftly and twists it to her coil.) No bloody
fear. I’m English. Have you a swaggerroot?
BLOOM: (As before.) Rarely smoke, dear. Cigar now and then. Childish
device. (Lewdly.) The mouth can be better engaged than with a cylinder
of rank weed.
ZOE: Go on. Make a stump speech out of it.
BLOOM: (In workman’s corduroy overalls, black gansy with red floating
tie and apache cap.) Mankind is incorrigible. Sir Walter Ralegh brought
from the new world that potato and that weed, the one a killer of
pestilence by absorption, the other a poisoner of the ear, eye, heart,
memory, will, understanding, all. That is to say he brought the poison
a hundred years before another person whose name I forget brought the
food. Suicide. Lies. All our habits. Why, look at our public life!
(Midnight chimes from distant steeples.)
THE CHIMES: Turn again, Leopold! Lord mayor of Dublin!
BLOOM: (In alderman’s gown and chain.) Electors of Arran Quay, Inns
Quay, Rotunda, Mountjoy and North Dock, better run a tramline, I say,
from the cattlemarket to the river. That’s the music of the future.
That’s my programme. Cui bono? But our bucaneering Vanderdeckens in
their phantom ship of finance...
AN ELECTOR: Three times three for our future chief magistrate!
(The aurora borealis of the torchlight procession leaps.)
THE TORCHBEARERS: Hooray!
(Several wellknown burgesses, city magnates and freemen of the city
shake hands with Bloom and congratulate him. Timothy Harrington, late
thrice Lord Mayor of Dublin, imposing in mayoral scarlet, gold chain and
white silk tie, confers with councillor Lorcan Sherlock, locum tenens.
They nod vigorously in agreement.)
LATE LORD MAYOR HARRINGTON: (In scarlet robe with mace, gold mayoral
chain and large white silk scarf.) That alderman sir Leo Bloom’s
speech be printed at the expense of the ratepayers. That the house in
which he was born be ornamented with a commemorative tablet and that the
thoroughfare hitherto known as Cow Parlour off Cork street be henceforth
designated Boulevard Bloom.
COUNCILLOR LORCAN SHERLOCK: Carried unanimously.
BLOOM: (Impassionedly.) These flying Dutchmen or lying Dutchmen as
they recline in their upholstered poop, casting dice, what reck they?
Machines is their cry, their chimera, their panacea. Laboursaving
apparatuses, supplanters, bugbears, manufactured monsters for mutual
murder, hideous hobgoblins produced by a horde of capitalistic lusts
upon our prostituted labour. The poor man starves while they are
grassing their royal mountain stags or shooting peasants and phartridges
in their purblind pomp of pelf and power. But their reign is rover for
rever and ever and ev...
(Prolonged applause. Venetian masts, maypoles and festal arches spring
up. A streamer bearing the legends Cead Mile Failte and Mah Ttob Melek
Israel spans the street. All the windows are thronged with sightseers,
chiefly ladies. Along the route the regiments of the Royal Dublin
Fusiliers, the King’s own Scottish Borderers, the Cameron Highlanders
and the Welsh Fusiliers, standing to attention, keep back the crowd.
Boys from High school are perched on the lampposts, telegraph poles,
windowsills, cornices, gutters, chimneypots, railings, rainspouts,
whistling and cheering. The pillar of the cloud appears. A fife and
drum band is heard in the distance playing the Kol Nidre. The beaters
approach with imperial eagles hoisted, trailing banners and waving
oriental palms. The chryselephantine papal standard rises high,
surrounded by pennons of the civic flag. The van of the procession
appears headed by John Howard Parnell, city marshal, in a chessboard
tabard, the Athlone Poursuivant and Ulster King of Arms. They are
followed by the Right Honourable Joseph Hutchinson, lord mayor of
Dublin, his lordship the lord mayor of Cork, their worships the
mayors of Limerick, Galway, Sligo and Waterford, twentyeight Irish
representative peers, sirdars, grandees and maharajahs bearing the cloth
of estate, the Dublin Metropolitan Fire Brigade, the chapter of the
saints of finance in their plutocratic order of precedence, the bishop
of Down and Connor, His Eminence Michael cardinal Logue, archbishop of
Armagh, primate of all Ireland, His Grace, the most reverend Dr William
Alexander, archbishop of Armagh, primate of all Ireland, the chief
rabbi, the presbyterian moderator, the heads of the baptist, anabaptist,
methodist and Moravian chapels and the honorary secretary of the society
of friends. After them march the guilds and trades and trainbands
with flying colours: coopers, bird fanciers, millwrights, newspaper
canvassers, law scriveners, masseurs, vintners, trussmakers,
chimneysweeps, lard refiners, tabinet and poplin weavers, farriers,
Italian warehousemen, church decorators, bootjack manufacturers,
undertakers, silk mercers, lapidaries, salesmasters, corkcutters,
assessors of fire losses, dyers and cleaners, export bottlers,
fellmongers, ticketwriters, heraldic seal engravers, horse repository
hands, bullion brokers, cricket and archery outfitters, riddlemakers,
egg and potato factors, hosiers and glovers, plumbing contractors. After
them march gentlemen of the bedchamber, Black Rod, Deputy Garter,
Gold Stick, the master of horse, the lord great chamberlain, the
earl marshal, the high constable carrying the sword of state, saint
Stephen’s iron crown, the chalice and bible. Four buglers on foot blow
a sennet. Beefeaters reply, winding clarions of welcome. Under an arch
of triumph Bloom appears, bareheaded, in a crimson velvet mantle trimmed
with ermine, bearing Saint Edward’s staff, the orb and sceptre with
the dove, the curtana. He is seated on a milkwhite horse with long
flowing crimson tail, richly caparisoned, with golden headstall. Wild
excitement. The ladies from their balconies throw down rosepetals. The
air is perfumed with essences. The men cheer. Bloom’s boys run amid
the bystanders with branches of hawthorn and wrenbushes.)
 The wren, the wren,
 The king of all birds,
 Saint Stephen’s his day
 Was caught in the furze.
A BLACKSMITH: (Murmurs.) For the honour of God! And is that Bloom? He
scarcely looks thirtyone.
A PAVIOR AND FLAGGER: That’s the famous Bloom now, the world’s
greatest reformer. Hats off!
(All uncover their heads. Women whisper eagerly.)
A MILLIONAIRESS: (Richly.) Isn’t he simply wonderful?
A NOBLEWOMAN: (Nobly.) All that man has seen!
A FEMINIST: (Masculinely.) And done!
A BELLHANGER: A classic face! He has the forehead of a thinker.
(Bloom’s weather. A sunburst appears in the northwest.)
THE BISHOP OF DOWN AND CONNOR: I here present your undoubted
emperor-president and king-chairman, the most serene and potent and very
puissant ruler of this realm. God save Leopold the First!
ALL: God save Leopold the First!
BLOOM: (In dalmatic and purple mantle, to the bishop of Down and Connor,
with dignity.) Thanks, somewhat eminent sir.
WILLIAM, ARCHBISHOP OF ARMAGH: (In purple stock and shovel hat.)
Will you to your power cause law and mercy to be executed in all your
judgments in Ireland and territories thereunto belonging?
BLOOM: (Placing his right hand on his testicles, swears.) So may the
Creator deal with me. All this I promise to do.
MICHAEL, ARCHBISHOP OF ARMAGH: (Pours a cruse of hairoil over Bloom’s
head.) Gaudium magnum annuntio vobis. Habemus carneficem. Leopold,
Patrick, Andrew, David, George, be thou anointed!
(Bloom assumes a mantle of cloth of gold and puts on a ruby ring. He
ascends and stands on the stone of destiny. The representative peers put
on at the same time their twentyeight crowns. Joybells ring in Christ
church, Saint Patrick’s, George’s and gay Malahide. Mirus bazaar
fireworks go up from all sides with symbolical phallopyrotechnic
designs. The peers do homage, one by one, approaching and genuflecting.)
THE PEERS: I do become your liege man of life and limb to earthly
(Bloom holds up his right hand on which sparkles the Koh-i-Noor diamond.
His palfrey neighs. Immediate silence. Wireless intercontinental and
interplanetary transmitters are set for reception of message.)
BLOOM: My subjects! We hereby nominate our faithful charger Copula Felix
hereditary Grand Vizier and announce that we have this day repudiated
our former spouse and have bestowed our royal hand upon the princess
Selene, the splendour of night.
(The former morganatic spouse of Bloom is hastily removed in the Black
Maria. The princess Selene, in moonblue robes, a silver crescent on her
head, descends from a Sedan chair, borne by two giants. An outburst of
JOHN HOWARD PARNELL: (Raises the royal standard.) Illustrious Bloom!
Successor to my famous brother!
BLOOM: (Embraces John Howard Parnell.) We thank you from our heart,
John, for this right royal welcome to green Erin, the promised land of
our common ancestors.
(The freedom of the city is presented to him embodied in a charter. The
keys of Dublin, crossed on a crimson cushion, are given to him. He shows
all that he is wearing green socks.)
TOM KERNAN: You deserve it, your honour.
BLOOM: On this day twenty years ago we overcame the hereditary enemy at
Ladysmith. Our howitzers and camel swivel guns played on his lines with
telling effect. Half a league onward! They charge! All is lost now! Do
we yield? No! We drive them headlong! Lo! We charge! Deploying to the
left our light horse swept across the heights of Plevna and, uttering
their warcry Bonafide Sabaoth, sabred the Saracen gunners to a man.
THE CHAPEL OF FREEMAN TYPESETTERS: Hear! Hear!
JOHN WYSE NOLAN: There’s the man that got away James Stephens.
A BLUECOAT SCHOOLBOY: Bravo!
AN OLD RESIDENT: You’re a credit to your country, sir, that’s what
AN APPLEWOMAN: He’s a man like Ireland wants.
BLOOM: My beloved subjects, a new era is about to dawn. I, Bloom, tell
you verily it is even now at hand. Yea, on the word of a Bloom, ye shall
ere long enter into the golden city which is to be, the new Bloomusalem
in the Nova Hibernia of the future.
(Thirtytwo workmen, wearing rosettes, from all the counties of Ireland,
under the guidance of Derwan the builder, construct the new Bloomusalem.
It is a colossal edifice with crystal roof, built in the shape of a
huge pork kidney, containing forty thousand rooms. In the course of its
extension several buildings and monuments are demolished. Government
offices are temporarily transferred to railway sheds. Numerous houses
are razed to the ground. The inhabitants are lodged in barrels and
boxes, all marked in red with the letters: L. B. Several paupers
fall from a ladder. A part of the walls of Dublin, crowded with loyal
THE SIGHTSEERS: (Dying.) Morituri te salutant. (They die.)
(A man in a brown macintosh springs up through a trapdoor. He points an
elongated finger at Bloom.)
THE MAN IN THE MACINTOSH: Don’t you believe a word he says. That
man is Leopold M’Intosh, the notorious fireraiser. His real name is
BLOOM: Shoot him! Dog of a christian! So much for M’Intosh!
(A cannonshot. The man in the macintosh disappears. Bloom with his
sceptre strikes down poppies. The instantaneous deaths of many
powerful enemies, graziers, members of parliament, members of standing
committees, are reported. Bloom’s bodyguard distribute Maundy money,
commemoration medals, loaves and fishes, temperance badges, expensive
Henry Clay cigars, free cowbones for soup, rubber preservatives in
sealed envelopes tied with gold thread, butter scotch, pineapple rock,
billets doux in the form of cocked hats, readymade suits, porringers of
toad in the hole, bottles of Jeyes’ Fluid, purchase stamps, 40 days’
indulgences, spurious coins, dairyfed pork sausages, theatre passes,
season tickets available for all tramlines, coupons of the royal and
privileged Hungarian lottery, penny dinner counters, cheap reprints of
the World’s Twelve Worst Books: Froggy And Fritz (politic), Care of
the Baby (infantilic), 50 Meals for 7/6 (culinic), Was Jesus a Sun
Myth? (historic), Expel that Pain (medic), Infant’s Compendium of the
Universe (cosmic), Let’s All Chortle (hilaric), Canvasser’s Vade
Mecum (journalic), Loveletters of Mother Assistant (erotic), Who’s Who
in Space (astric), Songs that Reached Our Heart (melodic), Pennywise’s
Way to Wealth (parsimonic). A general rush and scramble. Women press
forward to touch the hem of Bloom’s robe. The lady Gwendolen Dubedat
bursts through the throng, leaps on his horse and kisses him on both
cheeks amid great acclamation. A magnesium flashlight photograph is
taken. Babes and sucklings are held up.)
THE WOMEN: Little father! Little father!
THE BABES AND SUCKLINGS:
 Clap clap hands till Poldy comes home,
 Cakes in his pocket for Leo alone.
(Bloom, bending down, pokes Baby Boardman gently in the stomach.)
BABY BOARDMAN: (Hiccups, curdled milk flowing from his mouth.) Hajajaja.
BLOOM: (Shaking hands with a blind stripling.) My more than Brother!
(Placing his arms round the shoulders of an old couple.) Dear old
friends! (He plays pussy fourcorners with ragged boys and girls.)
Peep! Bopeep! (He wheels twins in a perambulator.) Ticktacktwo
wouldyousetashoe? (He performs juggler’s tricks, draws red, orange,
yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet silk handkerchiefs from his
mouth.) Roygbiv. 32 feet per second. (He consoles a widow.) Absence
makes the heart grow younger. (He dances the Highland fling with
grotesque antics.) Leg it, ye devils! (He kisses the bedsores of a
palsied veteran.) Honourable wounds! (He trips up a fat policeman.)
U. p: up. U. p: up. (He whispers in the ear of a blushing waitress and
laughs kindly.) Ah, naughty, naughty! (He eats a raw turnip offered
him by Maurice Butterly, farmer.) Fine! Splendid! (He refuses to accept
three shillings offered him by Joseph Hynes, journalist.) My dear
fellow, not at all! (He gives his coat to a beggar.) Please accept. (He
takes part in a stomach race with elderly male and female cripples.)
Come on, boys! Wriggle it, girls!
THE CITIZEN: (Choked with emotion, brushes aside a tear in his emerald
muffler.) May the good God bless him!
(The rams’ horns sound for silence. The standard of Zion is hoisted.)
BLOOM: (Uncloaks impressively, revealing obesity, unrolls a paper and
reads solemnly.) Aleph Beth Ghimel Daleth Hagadah Tephilim Kosher Yom
Kippur Hanukah Roschaschana Beni Brith Bar Mitzvah Mazzoth Askenazim
(An official translation is read by Jimmy Henry, assistant town clerk.)
JIMMY HENRY: The Court of Conscience is now open. His Most Catholic
Majesty will now administer open air justice. Free medical and legal
advice, solution of doubles and other problems. All cordially invited.
Given at this our loyal city of Dublin in the year 1 of the Paradisiacal
PADDY LEONARD: What am I to do about my rates and taxes?
BLOOM: Pay them, my friend.
PADDY LEONARD: Thank you.
NOSEY FLYNN: Can I raise a mortgage on my fire insurance?
BLOOM: (Obdurately.) Sirs, take notice that by the law of torts you are
bound over in your own recognisances for six months in the sum of five
J. J. O’MOLLOY: A Daniel did I say? Nay! A Peter O’Brien!
NOSEY FLYNN: Where do I draw the five pounds?
PISSER BURKE: For bladder trouble?
 Acid. nit. hydrochlor. dil., 20 minims
 Tinct. nux vom., 5 minims
 Extr. taraxel. lig., 30 minims.
 Aq. dis. ter in die.
CHRIS CALLINAN: What is the parallax of the subsolar ecliptic of
BLOOM: Pleased to hear from you, Chris. K. 11.
JOE HYNES: Why aren’t you in uniform?
BLOOM: When my progenitor of sainted memory wore the uniform of the
Austrian despot in a dank prison where was yours?
BEN DOLLARD: Pansies?
BLOOM: Embellish (beautify) suburban gardens.
BEN DOLLARD: When twins arrive?
BLOOM: Father (pater, dad) starts thinking.
LARRY O’ROURKE: An eightday licence for my new premises. You remember
me, sir Leo, when you were in number seven. I’m sending around a dozen
of stout for the missus.
BLOOM: (Coldly.) You have the advantage of me. Lady Bloom accepts no
CROFTON: This is indeed a festivity.
BLOOM: (Solemnly.) You call it a festivity. I call it a sacrament.
ALEXANDER KEYES: When will we have our own house of keys?
BLOOM: I stand for the reform of municipal morals and the plain ten
commandments. New worlds for old. Union of all, jew, moslem and gentile.
Three acres and a cow for all children of nature. Saloon motor hearses.
Compulsory manual labour for all. All parks open to the public day and
night. Electric dishscrubbers. Tuberculosis, lunacy, war and mendicancy
must now cease. General amnesty, weekly carnival with masked licence,
bonuses for all, esperanto the universal language with universal
brotherhood. No more patriotism of barspongers and dropsical impostors.
Free money, free rent, free love and a free lay church in a free lay
O’MADDEN BURKE: Free fox in a free henroost.
DAVY BYRNE: (Yawning.) Iiiiiiiiiaaaaaaach!
BLOOM: Mixed races and mixed marriage.
LENEHAN: What about mixed bathing?
(Bloom explains to those near him his schemes for social regeneration.
All agree with him. The keeper of the Kildare street museum appears,
dragging a lorry on which are the shaking statues of several naked
goddesses, Venus Callipyge, Venus Pandemos, Venus Metempsychosis, and
plaster figures, also naked, representing the new nine muses, Commerce,
Operatic Music, Amor, Publicity, Manufacture, Liberty of Speech, Plural
Voting, Gastronomy, Private Hygiene, Seaside Concert Entertainments,
Painless Obstetrics and Astronomy for the People.)
FATHER FARLEY: He is an episcopalian, an agnostic, an anythingarian
seeking to overthrow our holy faith.
MRS RIORDAN: (Tears up her will.) I’m disappointed in you! You bad
MOTHER GROGAN: (Removes her boot to throw it at Bloom.) You beast! You
NOSEY FLYNN: Give us a tune, Bloom. One of the old sweet songs.
BLOOM: (With rollicking humour.)
 I vowed that I never would leave her,
 She turned out a cruel deceiver.
 With my tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom.
HOPPY HOLOHAN: Good old Bloom! There’s nobody like him after all.
PADDY LEONARD: Stage Irishman!
BLOOM: What railway opera is like a tramline in Gibraltar? The Rows of
LENEHAN: Plagiarist! Down with Bloom!
THE VEILED SIBYL: (Enthusiastically.) I’m a Bloomite and I glory in
it. I believe in him in spite of all. I’d give my life for him, the
funniest man on earth.
BLOOM: (Winks at the bystanders.) I bet she’s a bonny lassie.
THEODORE PUREFOY: (In fishingcap and oilskin jacket.) He employs a
mechanical device to frustrate the sacred ends of nature.
THE VEILED SIBYL: (Stabs herself.) My hero god! (She dies.)
(Many most attractive and enthusiastic women also commit suicide by
stabbing, drowning, drinking prussic acid, aconite, arsenic, opening
their veins, refusing food, casting themselves under steamrollers,
from the top of Nelson’s Pillar, into the great vat of Guinness’s
brewery, asphyxiating themselves by placing their heads in gasovens,
hanging themselves in stylish garters, leaping from windows of different
ALEXANDER J DOWIE: (Violently.) Fellowchristians and antiBloomites, the
man called Bloom is from the roots of hell, a disgrace to christian
men. A fiendish libertine from his earliest years this stinking goat
of Mendes gave precocious signs of infantile debauchery, recalling the
cities of the plain, with a dissolute granddam. This vile hypocrite,
bronzed with infamy, is the white bull mentioned in the Apocalypse.
A worshipper of the Scarlet Woman, intrigue is the very breath of his
nostrils. The stake faggots and the caldron of boiling oil are for him.
THE MOB: Lynch him! Roast him! He’s as bad as Parnell was. Mr Fox!
(Mother Grogan throws her boot at Bloom. Several shopkeepers from upper
and lower Dorset street throw objects of little or no commercial
value, hambones, condensed milk tins, unsaleable cabbage, stale bread,
sheep’s tails, odd pieces of fat.)
BLOOM: (Excitedly.) This is midsummer madness, some ghastly joke again.
By heaven, I am guiltless as the unsunned snow! It was my brother Henry.
He is my double. He lives in number 2 Dolphin’s Barn. Slander, the
viper, has wrongfully accused me. Fellowcountrymen, sgenl inn ban bata
coisde gan capall. I call on my old friend, Dr Malachi Mulligan, sex
specialist, to give medical testimony on my behalf.
DR MULLIGAN: (In motor jerkin, green motorgoggles on his brow.) Dr Bloom
is bisexually abnormal. He has recently escaped from Dr Eustace’s
private asylum for demented gentlemen. Born out of bedlock hereditary
epilepsy is present, the consequence of unbridled lust. Traces of
elephantiasis have been discovered among his ascendants. There are
marked symptoms of chronic exhibitionism. Ambidexterity is also
latent. He is prematurely bald from selfabuse, perversely idealistic in
consequence, a reformed rake, and has metal teeth. In consequence of a
family complex he has temporarily lost his memory and I believe him
to be more sinned against than sinning. I have made a pervaginal
examination and, after application of the acid test to 5427 anal,
axillary, pectoral and pubic hairs, I declare him to be virgo intacta.
(Bloom holds his high grade hat over his genital organs.)
DR MADDEN: Hypsospadia is also marked. In the interest of coming
generations I suggest that the parts affected should be preserved in
spirits of wine in the national teratological museum.
DR CROTTHERS: I have examined the patient’s urine. It is albuminoid.
Salivation is insufficient, the patellar reflex intermittent.
DR PUNCH COSTELLO: The fetor judaicus is most perceptible.
DR DIXON: (Reads a bill of health.) Professor Bloom is a finished
example of the new womanly man. His moral nature is simple and lovable.
Many have found him a dear man, a dear person. He is a rather quaint
fellow on the whole, coy though not feebleminded in the medical sense.
He has written a really beautiful letter, a poem in itself, to the court
missionary of the Reformed Priests’ Protection Society which clears up
everything. He is practically a total abstainer and I can affirm that
he sleeps on a straw litter and eats the most Spartan food, cold dried
grocer’s peas. He wears a hairshirt of pure Irish manufacture winter
and summer and scourges himself every Saturday. He was, I understand,
at one time a firstclass misdemeanant in Glencree reformatory. Another
report states that he was a very posthumous child. I appeal for clemency
in the name of the most sacred word our vocal organs have ever been
called upon to speak. He is about to have a baby.
(General commotion and compassion. Women faint. A wealthy American makes
a street collection for Bloom. Gold and silver coins, blank cheques,
banknotes, jewels, treasury bonds, maturing bills of exchange, I. O.
U’s, wedding rings, watchchains, lockets, necklaces and bracelets are
BLOOM: O, I so want to be a mother.
MRS THORNTON: (In nursetender’s gown.) Embrace me tight, dear.
You’ll be soon over it. Tight, dear.
(Bloom embraces her tightly and bears eight male yellow and white
children. They appear on a redcarpeted staircase adorned with expensive
plants. All the octuplets are handsome, with valuable metallic faces,
wellmade, respectably dressed and wellconducted, speaking five modern
languages fluently and interested in various arts and sciences. Each
has his name printed in legible letters on his shirtfront: Nasodoro,
Goldfinger, Chrysostomos, Maindorée, Silversmile, Silberselber,
Vifargent, Panargyros. They are immediately appointed to positions of
high public trust in several different countries as managing directors
of banks, traffic managers of railways, chairmen of limited liability
companies, vicechairmen of hotel syndicates.)
A VOICE: Bloom, are you the Messiah ben Joseph or ben David?
BLOOM: (Darkly.) You have said it.
BROTHER BUZZ: Then perform a miracle like Father Charles.
BANTAM LYONS: Prophesy who will win the Saint Leger.
(Bloom walks on a net, covers his left eye with his left ear, passes
through several walls, climbs Nelson’s Pillar, hangs from the top
ledge by his eyelids, eats twelve dozen oysters (shells included),
heals several sufferers from king’s evil, contracts his face so as to
resemble many historical personages, Lord Beaconsfield, Lord Byron,
Wat Tyler, Moses of Egypt, Moses Maimonides, Moses Mendelssohn, Henry
Irving, Rip van Winkle, Kossuth, Jean Jacques Rousseau, Baron Leopold
Rothschild, Robinson Crusoe, Sherlock Holmes, Pasteur, turns each
foot simultaneously in different directions, bids the tide turn back,
eclipses the sun by extending his little finger.)
BRINI, PAPAL NUNCIO: (In papal zouave’s uniform, steel cuirasses as
breastplate, armplates, thighplates, legplates, large profane moustaches
and brown paper mitre.) Leopoldi autem generatio. Moses begat Noah and
Noah begat Eunuch and Eunuch begat O’Halloran and O’Halloran begat
Guggenheim and Guggenheim begat Agendath and Agendath begat Netaim and
Netaim begat Le Hirsch and Le Hirsch begat Jesurum and Jesurum begat
MacKay and MacKay begat Ostrolopsky and Ostrolopsky begat Smerdoz
and Smerdoz begat Weiss and Weiss begat Schwarz and Schwarz begat
Adrianopoli and Adrianopoli begat Aranjuez and Aranjuez begat Lewy
Lawson and Lewy Lawson begat Ichabudonosor and Ichabudonosor begat
O’Donnell Magnus and O’Donnell Magnus begat Christbaum and
Christbaum begat ben Maimun and ben Maimun begat Dusty Rhodes and Dusty
Rhodes begat Benamor and Benamor begat Jones-Smith and Jones-Smith begat
Savorgnanovich and Savorgnanovich begat Jasperstone and Jasperstone
begat Vingtetunieme and Vingtetunieme begat Szombathely and Szombathely
begat Virag and Virag begat Bloom et vocabitur nomen eius Emmanuel.
A DEADHAND: (Writes on the wall.) Bloom is a cod.
CRAB: (In bushranger’s kit.) What did you do in the cattlecreep behind
A FEMALE INFANT: (Shakes a rattle.) And under Ballybough bridge?
A HOLLYBUSH: And in the devil’s glen?
BLOOM: (Blushes furiously all over from frons to nates, three tears
falling from his left eye.) Spare my past.
THE IRISH EVICTED TENANTS: (In bodycoats, kneebreeches, with Donnybrook
fair shillelaghs.) Sjambok him!
(Bloom with asses’ ears seats himself in the pillory with crossed
arms, his feet protruding. He whistles Don Giovanni, a cenar teco.
Artane orphans, joining hands, caper round him. Girls of the Prison Gate
Mission, joining hands, caper round in the opposite direction.)
THE ARTANE ORPHANS:
 You hig, you hog, you dirty dog!
 You think the ladies love you!
THE PRISON GATE GIRLS:
 If you see Kay
 Tell him he may
 See you in tea
 Tell him from me.
HORNBLOWER: (In ephod and huntingcap, announces.) And he shall carry the
sins of the people to Azazel, the spirit which is in the wilderness, and
to Lilith, the nighthag. And they shall stone him and defile him, yea,
all from Agendath Netaim and from Mizraim, the land of Ham.
(All the people cast soft pantomime stones at Bloom. Many bonafide
travellers and ownerless dogs come near him and defile him. Mastiansky
and Citron approach in gaberdines, wearing long earlocks. They wag their
beards at Bloom.)
MASTIANSKY AND CITRON: Belial! Laemlein of Istria, the false Messiah!
(George R Mesias, Bloom’s tailor, appears, a tailor’s goose under
his arm, presenting a bill.)
MESIAS: To alteration one pair trousers eleven shillings.
BLOOM: (Rubs his hands cheerfully.) Just like old times. Poor Bloom!
(Reuben J Dodd, blackbearded Iscariot, bad shepherd, bearing on his
shoulders the drowned corpse of his son, approaches the pillory.)
REUBEN J: (Whispers hoarsely.) The squeak is out. A split is gone for
the flatties. Nip the first rattler.
THE FIRE BRIGADE: Pflaap!
BROTHER BUZZ: (Invests Bloom in a yellow habit with embroidery of
painted flames and high pointed hat. He places a bag of gunpowder round
his neck and hands him over to the civil power, saying.) Forgive him his
(Lieutenant Myers of the Dublin Fire Brigade by general request sets
fire to Bloom. Lamentations.)
THE CITIZEN: Thank heaven!
BLOOM: (In a seamless garment marked I. H. S. stands upright amid
phoenix flames.) Weep not for me, O daughters of Erin.
(He exhibits to Dublin reporters traces of burning. The daughters of
Erin, in black garments, with large prayerbooks and long lighted candles
in their hands, kneel down and pray.)
THE DAUGHTERS OF ERIN:
 Kidney of Bloom, pray for us
 Flower of the Bath, pray for us
 Mentor of Menton, pray for us
 Canvasser for the Freeman, pray for us
 Charitable Mason, pray for us
 Wandering Soap, pray for us
 Sweets of Sin, pray for us
 Music without Words, pray for us
 Reprover of the Citizen, pray for us
 Friend of all Frillies, pray for us
 Midwife Most Merciful, pray for us
 Potato Preservative against Plague and Pestilence, pray for us.
(A choir of six hundred voices, conducted by Vincent O’Brien, sings
the chorus from Handel’s Messiah Alleluia for the Lord God Omnipotent
reigneth, accompanied on the organ by Joseph Glynn. Bloom becomes mute,
ZOE: Talk away till you’re black in the face.
BLOOM: (In caubeen with clay pipe stuck in the band, dusty brogues, an
emigrant’s red handkerchief bundle in his hand, leading a black bogoak
pig by a sugaun, with a smile in his eye.) Let me be going now, woman
of the house, for by all the goats in Connemara I’m after having the
father and mother of a bating. (With a tear in his eye.) All insanity.
Patriotism, sorrow for the dead, music, future of the race. To be or not
to be. Life’s dream is o’er. End it peacefully. They can live on.
(He gazes far away mournfully.) I am ruined. A few pastilles of aconite.
The blinds drawn. A letter. Then lie back to rest. (He breathes softly.)
No more. I have lived. Fare. Farewell.
ZOE: (Stiffly, her finger in her neckfillet.) Honest? Till the next
time. (She sneers.) Suppose you got up the wrong side of the bed or came
too quick with your best girl. O, I can read your thoughts!
BLOOM: (Bitterly.) Man and woman, love, what is it? A cork and bottle.
I’m sick of it. Let everything rip.
ZOE: (In sudden sulks.) I hate a rotter that’s insincere. Give a
bleeding whore a chance.
BLOOM: (Repentantly.) I am very disagreeable. You are a necessary evil.
Where are you from? London?
ZOE: (Glibly.) Hog’s Norton where the pigs plays the organs. I’m
Yorkshire born. (She holds his hand which is feeling for her nipple.) I
say, Tommy Tittlemouse. Stop that and begin worse. Have you cash for a
short time? Ten shillings?
BLOOM: (Smiles, nods slowly.) More, houri, more.
ZOE: And more’s mother? (She pats him offhandedly with velvet paws.)
Are you coming into the musicroom to see our new pianola? Come and
I’ll peel off.
BLOOM: (Feeling his occiput dubiously with the unparalleled
embarrassment of a harassed pedlar gauging the symmetry of her peeled
pears.) Somebody would be dreadfully jealous if she knew. The greeneyed
monster. (Earnestly.) You know how difficult it is. I needn’t tell
ZOE: (Flattered.) What the eye can’t see the heart can’t grieve for.
(She pats him.) Come.
BLOOM: Laughing witch! The hand that rocks the cradle.
BLOOM: (In babylinen and pelisse, bigheaded, with a caul of dark hair,
fixes big eyes on her fluid slip and counts its bronze buckles with a
chubby finger, his moist tongue lolling and lisping.) One two tlee: tlee
THE BUCKLES: Love me. Love me not. Love me.
ZOE: Silent means consent. (With little parted talons she captures his
hand, her forefinger giving to his palm the passtouch of secret monitor,
luring him to doom.) Hot hands cold gizzard.
(He hesitates amid scents, music, temptations. She leads him towards the
steps, drawing him by the odour of her armpits, the vice of her painted
eyes, the rustle of her slip in whose sinuous folds lurks the lion reek
of all the male brutes that have possessed her.)
THE MALE BRUTES: (Exhaling sulphur of rut and dung and ramping in their
loosebox, faintly roaring, their drugged heads swaying to and fro.)
(Zoe and Bloom reach the doorway where two sister whores are seated.
They examine him curiously from under their pencilled brows and smile to
his hasty bow. He trips awkwardly.)
ZOE: (Her lucky hand instantly saving him.) Hoopsa! Don’t fall
BLOOM: The just man falls seven times. (He stands aside at the
threshold.) After you is good manners.
ZOE: Ladies first, gentlemen after.
(She crosses the threshold. He hesitates. She turns and, holding out her
hands, draws him over. He hops. On the antlered rack of the hall hang
a man’s hat and waterproof. Bloom uncovers himself but, seeing them,
frowns, then smiles, preoccupied. A door on the return landing is flung
open. A man in purple shirt and grey trousers, brownsocked, passes with
an ape’s gait, his bald head and goatee beard upheld, hugging a full
waterjugjar, his twotailed black braces dangling at heels. Averting his
face quickly Bloom bends to examine on the halltable the spaniel eyes
of a running fox: then, his lifted head sniffing, follows Zoe into
the musicroom. A shade of mauve tissuepaper dims the light of the
chandelier. Round and round a moth flies, colliding, escaping. The
floor is covered with an oilcloth mosaic of jade and azure and cinnabar
rhomboids. Footmarks are stamped over it in all senses, heel to heel,
heel to hollow, toe to toe, feet locked, a morris of shuffling feet
without body phantoms, all in a scrimmage higgledypiggledy. The walls
are tapestried with a paper of yewfronds and clear glades. In the grate
is spread a screen of peacock feathers. Lynch squats crosslegged on
the hearthrug of matted hair, his cap back to the front. With a wand he
beats time slowly. Kitty Ricketts, a bony pallid whore in navy costume,
doeskin gloves rolled back from a coral wristlet, a chain purse in
her hand, sits perched on the edge of the table swinging her leg and
glancing at herself in the gilt mirror over the mantelpiece. A tag
of her corsetlace hangs slightly below her jacket. Lynch indicates
mockingly the couple at the piano.)
KITTY: (Coughs behind her hand.) She’s a bit imbecillic. (She signs
with a waggling forefinger.) Blemblem. (Lynch lifts up her skirt and
white petticoat with the wand. She settles them down quickly.) Respect
yourself. (She hiccups, then bends quickly her sailor hat under which
her hair glows, red with henna.) O, excuse!
ZOE: More limelight, Charley. (She goes to the chandelier and turns the
gas full cock.)
KITTY: (Peers at the gasjet.) What ails it tonight?
LYNCH: (Deeply.) Enter a ghost and hobgoblins.
ZOE: Clap on the back for Zoe.
(The wand in Lynch’s hand flashes: a brass poker. Stephen stands at
the pianola on which sprawl his hat and ashplant. With two fingers he
repeats once more the series of empty fifths. Florry Talbot, a blond
feeble goosefat whore in a tatterdemalion gown of mildewed strawberry,
lolls spreadeagle in the sofacorner, her limp forearm pendent over the
bolster, listening. A heavy stye droops over her sleepy eyelid.)
KITTY: (Hiccups again with a kick of her horsed foot.) O, excuse!
ZOE: (Promptly.) Your boy’s thinking of you. Tie a knot on your shift.
(Kitty Ricketts bends her head. Her boa uncoils, slides, glides over
her shoulder, back, arm, chair to the ground. Lynch lifts the curled
catterpillar on his wand. She snakes her neck, nestling. Stephen glances
behind at the squatted figure with its cap back to the front.)
STEPHEN: As a matter of fact it is of no importance whether Benedetto
Marcello found it or made it. The rite is the poet’s rest. It may be
an old hymn to Demeter or also illustrate Cœla enarrant gloriam Domini.
It is susceptible of nodes or modes as far apart as hyperphrygian
and mixolydian and of texts so divergent as priests haihooping round
David’s that is Circe’s or what am I saying Ceres’ altar and
David’s tip from the stable to his chief bassoonist about the
alrightness of his almightiness. Mais nom de nom, that is another pair
of trousers. Jetez la gourme. Faut que jeunesse se passe. (He stops,
points at Lynch’s cap, smiles, laughs.) Which side is your knowledge
THE CAP: (With saturnine spleen.) Bah! It is because it is. Woman’s
reason. Jewgreek is greekjew. Extremes meet. Death is the highest form
of life. Bah!
STEPHEN: You remember fairly accurately all my errors, boasts, mistakes.
How long shall I continue to close my eyes to disloyalty? Whetstone!
THE CAP: Bah!
STEPHEN: Here’s another for you. (He frowns.) The reason is because
the fundamental and the dominant are separated by the greatest possible
THE CAP: Which? Finish. You can’t.
STEPHEN: (With an effort.) Interval which. Is the greatest possible
ellipse. Consistent with. The ultimate return. The octave. Which.
THE CAP: Which?
(Outside the gramophone begins to blare The Holy City.)
STEPHEN: (Abruptly.) What went forth to the ends of the world to
traverse not itself, God, the sun, Shakespeare, a commercial traveller,
having itself traversed in reality itself becomes that self. Wait a
moment. Wait a second. Damn that fellow’s noise in the street. Self
which it itself was ineluctably preconditioned to become. Ecco!
LYNCH: (With a mocking whinny of laughter grins at Bloom and Zoe
Higgins.) What a learned speech, eh?
ZOE: (Briskly.) God help your head, he knows more than you have
(With obese stupidity Florry Talbot regards Stephen.)
FLORRY: They say the last day is coming this summer.
ZOE: (Explodes in laughter.) Great unjust God!
FLORRY: (Offended.) Well, it was in the papers about Antichrist. O, my
(Ragged barefoot newsboys, jogging a wagtail kite, patter past,
THE NEWSBOYS: Stop press edition. Result of the rockinghorse races. Sea
serpent in the royal canal. Safe arrival of Antichrist.
(Stephen turns and sees Bloom.)
STEPHEN: A time, times and half a time.
(Reuben J Antichrist, wandering jew, a clutching hand open on his spine,
stumps forward. Across his loins is slung a pilgrim’s wallet from
which protrude promissory notes and dishonoured bills. Aloft over his
shoulder he bears a long boatpole from the hook of which the sodden
huddled mass of his only son, saved from Liffey waters, hangs from
the slack of its breeches. A hobgoblin in the image of Punch Costello,
hipshot, crookbacked, hydrocephalic, prognathic with receding forehead
and Ally Sloper nose, tumbles in somersaults through the gathering
THE HOBGOBLIN: (His jaws chattering, capers to and fro, goggling his
eyes, squeaking, kangaroohopping with outstretched clutching arms, then
all at once thrusts his lipless face through the fork of his thighs.) Il
vient! C’est moi! L’homme qui rit! L’homme primigène! (He whirls
round and round with dervish howls.) Sieurs et dames, faites vos jeux!
(He crouches juggling. Tiny roulette planets fly from his hands.) Les
jeux sont faits! (The planets rush together, uttering crepitant cracks.)
Rien va plus! (The planets, buoyant balloons, sail swollen up and away.
He springs off into vacuum.)
FLORRY: (Sinking into torpor, crossing herself secretly.) The end of the
(A female tepid effluvium leaks out from her. Nebulous obscurity
occupies space. Through the drifting fog without the gramophone blares
over coughs and feetshuffling.)
THE GRAMOPHONE: Jerusalem!
Open your gates and sing
(A rocket rushes up the sky and bursts. A white star falls from it,
proclaiming the consummation of all things and second coming of Elijah.
Along an infinite invisible tightrope taut from zenith to nadir the End
of the World, a twoheaded octopus in gillie’s kilts, busby and tartan
filibegs, whirls through the murk, head over heels, in the form of the
Three Legs of Man.)
THE END OF THE WORLD: (With a Scotch accent.) Wha’ll dance the keel
row, the keel row, the keel row?
(Over the possing drift and choking breathcoughs, Elijah’s voice,
harsh as a corncrake’s, jars on high. Perspiring in a loose lawn
surplice with funnel sleeves he is seen, vergerfaced, above a rostrum
about which the banner of old glory is draped. He thumps the parapet.)
ELIJAH: No yapping, if you please, in this booth. Jake Crane, Creole
Sue, Dove Campbell, Abe Kirschner, do your coughing with your mouths
shut. Say, I am operating all this trunk line. Boys, do it now. God’s
time is 12.25. Tell mother you’ll be there. Rush your order and you
play a slick ace. Join on right here. Book through to eternity junction,
the nonstop run. Just one word more. Are you a god or a doggone clod?
If the second advent came to Coney Island are we ready? Florry Christ,
Stephen Christ, Zoe Christ, Bloom Christ, Kitty Christ, Lynch Christ,
it’s up to you to sense that cosmic force. Have we cold feet about
the cosmos? No. Be on the side of the angels. Be a prism. You have that
something within, the higher self. You can rub shoulders with a Jesus, a
Gautama, an Ingersoll. Are you all in this vibration? I say you are. You
once nobble that, congregation, and a buck joyride to heaven becomes
a back number. You got me? It’s a lifebrightener, sure. The hottest
stuff ever was. It’s the whole pie with jam in. It’s just the cutest
snappiest line out. It is immense, supersumptuous. It restores. It
vibrates. I know and I am some vibrator. Joking apart and, getting down
to bedrock, A. J. Christ Dowie and the harmonial philosophy, have you
got that? O. K. Seventyseven west sixtyninth street. Got me? That’s
it. You call me up by sunphone any old time. Bumboosers, save your
stamps. (He shouts.) Now then our glory song. All join heartily in the
singing. Encore! (He sings.) Jeru...
THE GRAMOPHONE: (Drowning his voice.) Whorusalaminyourhighhohhhh... (The
disc rasps gratingly against the needle.)
THE THREE WHORES: (Covering their ears, squawk.) Ahhkkk!
ELIJAH: (In rolledup shirtsleeves, black in the face, shouts at the top
of his voice, his arms uplifted.) Big Brother up there, Mr President,
you hear what I done just been saying to you. Certainly, I sort of
believe strong in you, Mr President. I certainly am thinking now Miss
Higgins and Miss Ricketts got religion way inside them. Certainly seems
to me I don’t never see no wusser scared female than the way you been,
Miss Florry, just now as I done seed you. Mr President, you come long
and help me save our sisters dear. (He winks at his audience.) Our Mr
President, he twig the whole lot and he aint saying nothing.
KITTY-KATE: I forgot myself. In a weak moment I erred and did what I did
on Constitution hill. I was confirmed by the bishop and enrolled in the
brown scapular. My mother’s sister married a Montmorency. It was a
working plumber was my ruination when I was pure.
ZOE-FANNY: I let him larrup it into me for the fun of it.
FLORRY-TERESA: It was in consequence of a portwine beverage on top of
Hennessy’s three star. I was guilty with Whelan when he slipped into
STEPHEN: In the beginning was the word, in the end the world without
end. Blessed be the eight beatitudes.
(The beatitudes, Dixon, Madden, Crotthers, Costello, Lenehan, Bannon,
Mulligan and Lynch in white surgical students’ gowns, four abreast,
goosestepping, tramp fast past in noisy marching.)
THE BEATITUDES: (Incoherently.) Beer beef battledog buybull businum
barnum buggerum bishop.
LYSTER: (In quakergrey kneebreeches and broadbrimmed hat, says
discreetly.) He is our friend. I need not mention names. Seek thou the
(He corantos by. Best enters in hairdresser’s attire, shinily
laundered, his locks in curlpapers. He leads John Eglinton who wears a
mandarin’s kimono of Nankeen yellow, lizardlettered, and a high pagoda
BEST: (Smiling, lifts the hat and displays a shaven poll from the crown
of which bristles a pigtail toupee tied with an orange topknot.) I was
just beautifying him, don’t you know. A thing of beauty, don’t you
know, Yeats says, or I mean, Keats says.
JOHN EGLINTON: (Produces a greencapped dark lantern and flashes it
towards a corner: with carping accent.) Esthetics and cosmetics are for
the boudoir. I am out for truth. Plain truth for a plain man. Tanderagee
wants the facts and means to get them.
(In the cone of the searchlight behind the coalscuttle, ollave,
holyeyed, the bearded figure of Mananaun MacLir broods, chin on knees.
He rises slowly. A cold seawind blows from his druid mouth. About his
head writhe eels and elvers. He is encrusted with weeds and shells. His
right hand holds a bicycle pump. His left hand grasps a huge crayfish by
its two talons.)
MANANAUN MACLIR: (With a voice of waves.) Aum! Hek! Wal! Ak! Lub! Mor!
Ma! White yoghin of the gods. Occult pimander of Hermes Trismegistos.
(With a voice of whistling seawind.) Punarjanam patsypunjaub! I won’t
have my leg pulled. It has been said by one: beware the left, the cult
of Shakti. (With a cry of stormbirds.) Shakti Shiva, darkhidden Father!
(He smites with his bicycle pump the crayfish in his left hand. On its
cooperative dial glow the twelve signs of the zodiac. He wails with
the vehemence of the ocean.) Aum! Baum! Pyjaum! I am the light of the
homestead! I am the dreamery creamery butter.
(A skeleton judashand strangles the light. The green light wanes to
mauve. The gasjet wails whistling.)
THE GASJET: Pooah! Pfuiiiiiii!
(Zoe runs to the chandelier and, crooking her leg, adjusts the mantle.)
ZOE: Who has a fag as I’m here?
LYNCH: (Tossing a cigarette on to the table.) Here.
ZOE: (Her head perched aside in mock pride.) Is that the way to hand the
pot to a lady? (She stretches up to light the cigarette over the flame,
twirling it slowly, showing the brown tufts of her armpits. Lynch with
his poker lifts boldly a side of her slip. Bare from her garters up her
flesh appears under the sapphire a nixie’s green. She puffs calmly at
her cigarette.) Can you see the beautyspot of my behind?
LYNCH: I’m not looking
ZOE: (Makes sheep’s eyes.) No? You wouldn’t do a less thing. Would
you suck a lemon?
(Squinting in mock shame she glances with sidelong meaning at Bloom,
then twists round towards him, pulling her slip free of the poker. Blue
fluid again flows over her flesh. Bloom stands, smiling desirously,
twirling his thumbs. Kitty Ricketts licks her middle finger with her
spittle and, gazing in the mirror, smooths both eyebrows. Lipoti Virag,
basilicogrammate, chutes rapidly down through the chimneyflue and struts
two steps to the left on gawky pink stilts. He is sausaged into several
overcoats and wears a brown macintosh under which he holds a roll
of parchment. In his left eye flashes the monocle of Cashel Boyle
O’Connor Fitzmaurice Tisdall Farrell. On his head is perched an
Egyptian pshent. Two quills project over his ears.)
VIRAG: (Heels together, bows.) My name is Virag Lipoti, of Szombathely.
(He coughs thoughtfully, drily.) Promiscuous nakedness is much in
evidence hereabouts, eh? Inadvertently her backview revealed the fact
that she is not wearing those rather intimate garments of which you
are a particular devotee. The injection mark on the thigh I hope you
BLOOM: Granpapachi. But...
VIRAG: Number two on the other hand, she of the cherry rouge and
coiffeuse white, whose hair owes not a little to our tribal elixir of
gopherwood, is in walking costume and tightly staysed by her sit, I
should opine. Backbone in front, so to say. Correct me but I always
understood that the act so performed by skittish humans with glimpses of
lingerie appealed to you in virtue of its exhibitionististicicity. In a
word. Hippogriff. Am I right?
BLOOM: She is rather lean.
VIRAG: (Not unpleasantly.) Absolutely! Well observed and those pannier
pockets of the skirt and slightly pegtop effect are devised to suggest
bunchiness of hip. A new purchase at some monster sale for which a gull
has been mulcted. Meretricious finery to deceive the eye. Observe the
attention to details of dustspecks. Never put on you tomorrow what you
can wear today. Parallax! (With a nervous twitch of his head.) Did you
hear my brain go snap? Pollysyllabax!
BLOOM: (An elbow resting in a hand, a forefinger against his cheek.) She
VIRAG: (Cynically, his weasel teeth bared yellow, draws down his left
eye with a finger and barks hoarsely.) Hoax! Beware of the flapper
and bogus mournful. Lily of the alley. All possess bachelor’s button
discovered by Rualdus Columbus. Tumble her. Columble her. Chameleon.
(More genially.) Well then, permit me to draw your attention to item
number three. There is plenty of her visible to the naked eye. Observe
the mass of oxygenated vegetable matter on her skull. What ho, she
bumps! The ugly duckling of the party, longcasted and deep in keel.
BLOOM: (Regretfully.) When you come out without your gun.
VIRAG: We can do you all brands, mild, medium and strong. Pay your
money, take your choice. How happy could you be with either...
VIRAG: (His tongue upcurling.) Lyum! Look. Her beam is broad. She is
coated with quite a considerable layer of fat. Obviously mammal in
weight of bosom you remark that she has in front well to the fore two
protuberances of very respectable dimensions, inclined to fall in the
noonday soupplate, while on her rere lower down are two additional
protuberances, suggestive of potent rectum and tumescent for palpation,
which leave nothing to be desired save compactness. Such fleshy parts
are the product of careful nurture. When coopfattened their livers
reach an elephantine size. Pellets of new bread with fennygreek and
gumbenjamin swamped down by potions of green tea endow them during their
brief existence with natural pincushions of quite colossal blubber. That
suits your book, eh? Fleshhotpots of Egypt to hanker after. Wallow in
it. Lycopodium. (His throat twitches.) Slapbang! There he goes again.
BLOOM: The stye I dislike.
VIRAG: (Arches his eyebrows.) Contact with a goldring, they say.
Argumentum ad feminam, as we said in old Rome and ancient Greece in
the consulship of Diplodocus and Ichthyosauros. For the rest Eve’s
sovereign remedy. Not for sale. Hire only. Huguenot. (He twitches.) It
is a funny sound. (He coughs encouragingly.) But possibly it is only a
wart. I presume you shall have remembered what I will have taught you on
that head? Wheatenmeal with honey and nutmeg.
BLOOM: (Reflecting.) Wheatenmeal with lycopodium and syllabax. This
searching ordeal. It has been an unusually fatiguing day, a chapter of
accidents. Wait. I mean, wartsblood spreads warts, you said...
VIRAG: (Severely, his nose hardhumped, his side eye winking.) Stop
twirling your thumbs and have a good old thunk. See, you have forgotten.
Exercise your mnemotechnic. La causa è santa. Tara. Tara. (Aside.) He
will surely remember.
BLOOM: Rosemary also did I understand you to say or willpower over
parasitic tissues. Then nay no I have an inkling. The touch of a
deadhand cures. Mnemo?
VIRAG: (Excitedly.) I say so. I say so. E’en so. Technic. (He taps his
parchmentroll energetically.) This book tells you how to act with all
descriptive particulars. Consult index for agitated fear of aconite,
melancholy of muriatic, priapic pulsatilla. Virag is going to talk about
amputation. Our old friend caustic. They must be starved. Snip off with
horsehair under the denned neck. But, to change the venue to the Bulgar
and the Basque, have you made up your mind whether you like or dislike
women in male habiliments? (With a dry snigger.) You intended to devote
an entire year to the study of the religious problem and the summer
months of 1886 to square the circle and win that million. Pomegranate!
From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step. Pyjamas, let us say?
Or stockingette gussetted knickers, closed? Or, put we the case,
those complicated combinations, camiknickers? (He crows derisively.)
(Bloom surveys uncertainly the three whores then gazes at the veiled
mauve light, hearing the everflying moth.)
BLOOM: I wanted then to have now concluded. Nightdress was never. Hence
this. But tomorrow is a new day will be. Past was is today. What now is
will then morrow as now was be past yester.
VIRAG: (Prompts in a pig’s whisper.) Insects of the day spend their
brief existence in reiterated coition, lured by the smell of the
inferiorly pulchritudinous female possessing extendified pudendal nerve
in dorsal region. Pretty Poll! (His yellow parrotbeak gabbles nasally.)
They had a proverb in the Carpathians in or about the year five thousand
five hundred and fifty of our era. One tablespoonful of honey will
attract friend Bruin more than half a dozen barrels of first choice malt
vinegar. Bear’s buzz bothers bees. But of this apart. At another time
we may resume. We were very pleased, we others. (He coughs and, bending
his brow, rubs his nose thoughtfully with a scooping hand.) You shall
find that these night insects follow the light. An illusion for remember
their complex unadjustable eye. For all these knotty points see the
seventeenth book of my Fundamentals of Sexology or the Love Passion
which Doctor L. B. says is the book sensation of the year. Some, to
example, there are again whose movements are automatic. Perceive. That
is his appropriate sun. Nightbird nightsun nighttown. Chase me, Charley!
(He blows into Bloom’s ear.) Buzz!
BLOOM: Bee or bluebottle too other day butting shadow on wall dazed self
then me wandered dazed down shirt good job I...
VIRAG: (His face impassive, laughs in a rich feminine key.) Splendid!
Spanish fly in his fly or mustard plaster on his dibble. (He gobbles
gluttonously with turkey wattles.) Bubbly jock! Bubbly jock! Where are
we? Open Sesame! Cometh forth! (He unrolls his parchment rapidly and
reads, his glowworm’s nose running backwards over the letters which he
claws.) Stay, good friend. I bring thee thy answer. Redbank oysters will
shortly be upon us. I’m the best o’cook. Those succulent bivalves
may help us and the truffles of Perigord, tubers dislodged through
mister omnivorous porker, were unsurpassed in cases of nervous debility
or viragitis. Though they stink yet they sting. (He wags his head
with cackling raillery.) Jocular. With my eyeglass in my ocular. (He
BLOOM: (Absently.) Ocularly woman’s bivalve case is worse. Always open
sesame. The cloven sex. Why they fear vermin, creeping things. Yet Eve
and the serpent contradicts. Not a historical fact. Obvious analogy to
my idea. Serpents too are gluttons for woman’s milk. Wind their way
through miles of omnivorous forest to sucksucculent her breast dry. Like
those bubblyjocular Roman matrons one reads of in Elephantuliasis.
VIRAG: (His mouth projected in hard wrinkles, eyes stonily forlornly
closed, psalms in outlandish monotone.) That the cows with their those
distended udders that they have been the the known...
BLOOM: I am going to scream. I beg your pardon. Ah? So. (He repeats.)
Spontaneously to seek out the saurian’s lair in order to entrust their
teats to his avid suction. Ant milks aphis. (Profoundly.) Instinct rules
the world. In life. In death.
VIRAG: (Head askew, arches his back and hunched wingshoulders, peers
at the moth out of blear bulged eyes, points a horning claw and cries.)
Who’s moth moth? Who’s dear Gerald? Dear Ger, that you? O dear,
he is Gerald. O, I much fear he shall be most badly burned. Will some
pleashe pershon not now impediment so catastrophics mit agitation of
firstclass tablenumpkin? (He mews.) Puss puss puss puss! (He sighs,
draws back and stares sideways down with dropping underjaw.) Well, well.
He doth rest anon. (He snaps his jaws suddenly on the air.)
 I’m a tiny tiny thing
 Ever flying in the spring
 Round and round a ringaring.
 Long ago I was a king
 Now I do this kind of thing
 On the wing, on the wing!
(He rushes against the mauve shade, flapping noisily.) Pretty pretty
pretty pretty pretty pretty petticoats.
(From left upper entrance with two gliding steps Henry Flower comes
forward to left front centre. He wears a dark mantle and drooping plumed
sombrero. He carries a silverstringed inlaid dulcimer and a longstemmed
bamboo Jacob’s pipe, its clay bowl fashioned as a female head. He
wears dark velvet hose and silverbuckled pumps. He has the romantic
Saviour’s face with flowing locks, thin beard and moustache. His
spindlelegs and sparrow feet are those of the tenor Mario, prince of
Candia. He settles down his goffered ruffs and moistens his lips with a
passage of his amorous tongue.)
HENRY: (In a low dulcet voice, touching the strings of his guitar.)
There is a flower that bloometh.
(Virag truculent, his jowl set, stares at the lamp. Grave Bloom regards
Zoe’s neck. Henry gallant turns with pendant dewlap to the piano.)
STEPHEN: (To himself.) Play with your eyes shut. Imitate pa. Filling my
belly with husks of swine. Too much of this. I will arise and go to my.
Expect this is the. Steve, thou art in a parlous way. Must visit old
Deasy or telegraph. Our interview of this morning has left on me a deep
impression. Though our ages. Will write fully tomorrow. I’m partially
drunk, by the way. (He touches the keys again.) Minor chord comes now.
Yes. Not much however.
(Almidano Artifoni holds out a batonroll of music with vigorous
ARTIFONI: Ci rifletta. Lei rovina tutto.
FLORRY: Sing us something. Love’s old sweet song.
STEPHEN: No voice. I am a most finished artist. Lynch, did I show you
the letter about the lute?
FLORRY: (Smirking.) The bird that can sing and won’t sing.
(The Siamese twins, Philip Drunk and Philip Sober, two Oxford dons with
lawnmowers, appear in the window embrasure. Both are masked with Matthew
PHILIP SOBER: Take a fool’s advice. All is not well. Work it out with
the buttend of a pencil, like a good young idiot. Three pounds twelve
you got, two notes, one sovereign, two crowns, if youth but knew.
Mooney’s en ville, Mooney’s sur mer, the Moira, Larchet’s, Holles
street hospital, Burke’s. Eh? I am watching you.
PHILIP DRUNK: (Impatiently.) Ah, bosh, man. Go to hell! I paid my way.
If I could only find out about octaves. Reduplication of personality.
Who was it told me his name? (His lawnmower begins to purr.) Aha, yes.
Zoe mou sas agapo. Have a notion I was here before. When was it not
Atkinson his card I have somewhere. Mac Somebody. Unmack I have it. He
told me about, hold on, Swinburne, was it, no?
FLORRY: And the song?
STEPHEN: Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
FLORRY: Are you out of Maynooth? You’re like someone I knew once.
STEPHEN: Out of it now. (To himself.) Clever.
PHILIP DRUNK AND PHILIP SOBER: (Their lawnmowers purring with a rigadoon
of grasshalms.) Clever ever. Out of it out of it. By the bye have
you the book, the thing, the ashplant? Yes, there it, yes. Cleverever
outofitnow. Keep in condition. Do like us.
ZOE: There was a priest down here two nights ago to do his bit of
business with his coat buttoned up. You needn’t try to hide, I says to
him. I know you’ve a Roman collar.
VIRAG: Perfectly logical from his standpoint. Fall of man. (Harshly, his
pupils waxing.) To hell with the pope! Nothing new under the sun. I am
the Virag who disclosed the Sex Secrets of Monks and Maidens. Why I left
the church of Rome. Read the Priest, the Woman and the Confessional.
Penrose. Flipperty Jippert. (He wriggles.) Woman, undoing with sweet
pudor her belt of rushrope, offers her allmoist yoni to man’s lingam.
Short time after man presents woman with pieces of jungle meat. Woman
shows joy and covers herself with featherskins. Man loves her yoni
fiercely with big lingam, the stiff one. (He cries.) Coactus volui. Then
giddy woman will run about. Strong man grapses woman’s wrist. Woman
squeals, bites, spucks. Man, now fierce angry, strikes woman’s fat
yadgana. (He chases his tail.) Piffpaff! Popo! (He stops, sneezes.)
Pchp! (He worries his butt.) Prrrrrht!
LYNCH: I hope you gave the good father a penance. Nine glorias for
shooting a bishop.
ZOE: (Spouts walrus smoke through her nostrils.) He couldn’t get a
connection. Only, you know, sensation. A dry rush.
BLOOM: Poor man!
ZOE: (Lightly.) Only for what happened him.
VIRAG: (A diabolic rictus of black luminosity contracting his visage,
cranes his scraggy neck forward. He lifts a mooncalf nozzle and howls.)
Verfluchte Goim! He had a father, forty fathers. He never existed. Pig
God! He had two left feet. He was Judas Iacchia, a Libyan eunuch, the
pope’s bastard. (He leans out on tortured forepaws, elbows bent rigid,
his eye agonising in his flat skullneck and yelps over the mute world.)
A son of a whore. Apocalypse.
KITTY: And Mary Shortall that was in the lock with the pox she got
from Jimmy Pidgeon in the blue caps had a child off him that couldn’t
swallow and was smothered with the convulsions in the mattress and we
all subscribed for the funeral.
PHILIP DRUNK: (Gravely.) Qui vous a mis dans cette fichue position,
PHILIP SOBER: (Gaily.) C’était le sacré pigeon, Philippe.
(Kitty unpins her hat and sets it down calmly, patting her henna hair.
And a prettier, a daintier head of winsome curls was never seen on a
whore’s shoulders. Lynch puts on her hat. She whips it off.)
LYNCH: (Laughs.) And to such delights has Metchnikoff inoculated
FLORRY: (Nods.) Locomotor ataxy.
ZOE: (Gaily.) O, my dictionary.
LYNCH: Three wise virgins.
VIRAG: (Agueshaken, profuse yellow spawn foaming over his bony epileptic
lips.) She sold lovephiltres, whitewax, orangeflower. Panther, the Roman
centurion, polluted her with his genitories. (He sticks out a flickering
phosphorescent scorpion tongue, his hand on his fork.) Messiah! He burst
her tympanum. (With gibbering baboon’s cries he jerks his hips in the
cynical spasm.) Hik! Hek! Hak! Hok! Huk! Kok! Kuk!
(Ben Jumbo Dollard, rubicund, musclebound, hairynostrilled, hugebearded,
cabbageeared, shaggychested, shockmaned, fatpapped, stands forth, his
loins and genitals tightened into a pair of black bathing bagslops.)
BEN DOLLARD: (Nakkering castanet bones in his huge padded paws, yodels
jovially in base barreltone.) When love absorbs my ardent soul.
(The virgins Nurse Callan and Nurse Quigley burst through the
ringkeepers and the ropes and mob him with open arms.)
THE VIRGINS: (Gushingly.) Big Ben! Ben my Chree!
A VOICE: Hold that fellow with the bad breeches.
BEN DOLLARD: (Smites his thigh in abundant laughter.) Hold him now.
HENRY: (Caressing on his breast a severed female head, murmurs.) Thine
heart, mine love. (He plucks his lutestrings.) When first I saw...
VIRAG: (Sloughing his skins, his multitudinous plumage moulting.) Rats!
(He yawns, showing a coalblack throat, and closes his jaws by an upward
push of his parchmentroll.) After having said which I took my departure.
Farewell. Fare thee well. Dreck!
(Henry Flower combs his moustache and beard rapidly with a pocketcomb
and gives a cow’s lick to his hair. Steered by his rapier, he glides
to the door, his wild harp slung behind him. Virag reaches the door in
two ungainly stilthops, his tail cocked, and deftly claps sideways on
the wall a pusyellow flybill, butting it with his head.)
THE FLYBILL: K. 11. Post No Bills. Strictly confidential. Dr Hy Franks.
HENRY: All is lost now.
(Virag unscrews his head in a trice and holds it under his arm.)
VIRAG’S HEAD: Quack!
STEPHEN: (Over his shoulder to Zoe.) You would have preferred
the fighting parson who founded the protestant error. But beware
Antisthenes, the dog sage, and the last end of Arius Heresiarchus. The
agony in the closet.
LYNCH: All one and the same God to her.
STEPHEN: (Devoutly.) And sovereign Lord of all things.
FLORRY: (To Stephen.) I’m sure you’re a spoiled priest. Or a monk.
LYNCH: He is. A cardinal’s son.
STEPHEN: Cardinal sin. Monks of the screw.
(His Eminence Simon Stephen Cardinal Dedalus, Primate of all Ireland,
appears in the doorway, dressed in red soutane, sandals and socks. Seven
dwarf simian acolytes, also in red, cardinal sins, uphold his train,
peeping under it. He wears a battered silk hat sideways on his head. His
thumbs are stuck in his armpits and his palms outspread. Round his
neck hangs a rosary of corks ending on his breast in a corkscrew cross.
Releasing his thumbs, he invokes grace from on high with large wave
gestures and proclaims with bloated pomp:)
 Conservio lies captured
 He lies in the lowest dungeon
 With manacles and chains around his limbs
 Weighing upwards of three tons.
(He looks at all for a moment, his right eye closed tight, his left
cheek puffed out. Then, unable to repress his merriment, he rocks to and
fro, arms akimbo, and sings with broad rollicking humour:)
 O, the poor little fellow
 Hihihihihis legs they were yellow
 He was plump, fat and heavy and brisk as a snake
 But some bloody savage
 To graize his white cabbage
 He murdered Nell Flaherty’s duckloving drake.
(A multitude of midges swarms white over his robe. He scratches himself
with crossed arms at his ribs, grimacing, and exclaims:)
I’m suffering the agony of the damned. By the hoky fiddle, thanks
be to Jesus those funny little chaps are not unanimous. If they were
they’d walk me off the face of the bloody globe.
(His head aslant he blesses curtly with fore and middle fingers, imparts
the Easter kiss and doubleshuffles off comically, swaying his hat from
side to side, shrinking quickly to the size of his trainbearers. The
dwarf acolytes, giggling, peeping, nudging, ogling, Easterkissing,
zigzag behind him. His voice is heard mellow from afar, merciful male,
 Shall carry my heart to thee,
 Shall carry my heart to thee,
 And the breath of the balmy night
 Shall carry my heart to thee!
(The trick doorhandle turns.)
THE DOORHANDLE: Theeee!
ZOE: The devil is in that door.
(A male form passes down the creaking staircase and is heard taking the
waterproof and hat from the rack. Bloom starts forward involuntarily
and, half closing the door as he passes, takes the chocolate from his
pocket and offers it nervously to Zoe.)
ZOE: (Sniffs his hair briskly.) Hmmm! Thank your mother for the rabbits.
I’m very fond of what I like.
BLOOM: (Hearing a male voice in talk with the whores on the doorstep,
pricks his ears.) If it were he? After? Or because not? Or the double
ZOE: (Tears open the silverfoil.) Fingers was made before forks. (She
breaks off and nibbles a piece, gives a piece to Kitty Ricketts and then
turns kittenishly to Lynch.) No objection to French lozenges? (He nods.
She taunts him.) Have it now or wait till you get it? (He opens his
mouth, his head cocked. She whirls the prize in left circle. His head
follows. She whirls it back in right circle. He eyes her.) Catch!
(She tosses a piece. With an adroit snap he catches it and bites it
through with a crack.)
KITTY: (Chewing.) The engineer I was with at the bazaar does have lovely
ones. Full of the best liqueurs. And the viceroy was there with his
lady. The gas we had on the Toft’s hobbyhorses. I’m giddy still.
BLOOM: (In Svengali’s fur overcoat, with folded arms and Napoleonic
forelock, frowns in ventriloquial exorcism with piercing eagle glance
towards the door. Then rigid with left foot advanced he makes a swift
pass with impelling fingers and gives the sign of past master, drawing
his right arm downwards from his left shoulder.) Go, go, go, I conjure
you, whoever you are!
(A male cough and tread are heard passing through the mist outside.
Bloom’s features relax. He places a hand in his waistcoat, posing
calmly. Zoe offers him chocolate.)
BLOOM: (Solemnly.) Thanks.
ZOE: Do as you’re bid. Here!
(A firm heelclacking tread is heard on the stairs.)
BLOOM: (Takes the chocolate.) Aphrodisiac? Tansy and pennyroyal. But I
bought it. Vanilla calms or? Mnemo. Confused light confuses memory. Red
influences lupus. Colours affect women’s characters, any they have.
This black makes me sad. Eat and be merry for tomorrow. (He eats.)
Influence taste too, mauve. But it is so long since I. Seems new. Aphro.
That priest. Must come. Better late than never. Try truffles at Andrews.
(The door opens. Bella Cohen, a massive whoremistress, enters. She
is dressed in a threequarter ivory gown, fringed round the hem with
tasselled selvedge, and cools herself flirting a black horn fan like
Minnie Hauck in Carmen. On her left hand are wedding and keeper rings.
Her eyes are deeply carboned. She has a sprouting moustache. Her
olive face is heavy, slightly sweated and fullnosed with orangetainted
nostrils. She has large pendant beryl eardrops.)
BELLA: My word! I’m all of a mucksweat.
(She glances round her at the couples. Then her eyes rest on Bloom with
hard insistence. Her large fan winnows wind towards her heated faceneck
and embonpoint. Her falcon eyes glitter.)
THE FAN: (Flirting quickly, then slowly.) Married, I see.
BLOOM: Yes. Partly, I have mislaid...
THE FAN: (Half opening, then closing.) And the missus is master.
BLOOM: (Looks down with a sheepish grin.) That is so.
THE FAN: (Folding together, rests against her left eardrop.) Have you
BLOOM: Nes. Yo.
THE FAN: (Folded akimbo against her waist.) Is me her was you dreamed
before? Was then she him you us since knew? Am all them and the same now
(Bella approaches, gently tapping with the fan.)
BLOOM: (Wincing.) Powerful being. In my eyes read that slumber which
THE FAN: (Tapping.) We have met. You are mine. It is fate.
BLOOM: (Cowed.) Exuberant female. Enormously I desiderate your
domination. I am exhausted, abandoned, no more young. I stand, so to
speak, with an unposted letter bearing the extra regulation fee before
the too late box of the general postoffice of human life. The door
and window open at a right angle cause a draught of thirtytwo feet per
second according to the law of falling bodies. I have felt this instant
a twinge of sciatica in my left glutear muscle. It runs in our family.
Poor dear papa, a widower, was a regular barometer from it. He believed
in animal heat. A skin of tabby lined his winter waistcoat. Near the
end, remembering king David and the Sunamite, he shared his bed with
Athos, faithful after death. A dog’s spittle as you probably... (He
RICHIE GOULDING: (Bagweighted, passes the door.) Mocking is catch. Best
value in Dub. Fit for a prince’s. Liver and kidney.
THE FAN: (Tapping.) All things end. Be mine. Now.
BLOOM: (Undecided.) All now? I should not have parted with my talisman.
Rain, exposure at dewfall on the searocks, a peccadillo at my time of
life. Every phenomenon has a natural cause.
THE FAN: (Points downwards slowly.) You may.
BLOOM: (Looks downwards and perceives her unfastened bootlace.) We are
THE FAN: (Points downwards quickly.) You must.
BLOOM: (With desire, with reluctance.) I can make a true black knot.
Learned when I served my time and worked the mail order line for
Kellett’s. Experienced hand. Every knot says a lot. Let me. In
courtesy. I knelt once before today. Ah!
(Bella raises her gown slightly and, steadying her pose, lifts to the
edge of a chair a plump buskined hoof and a full pastern, silksocked.
Bloom, stifflegged, aging, bends over her hoof and with gentle fingers
draws out and in her laces.)
BLOOM: (Murmurs lovingly.) To be a shoefitter in Manfield’s was my
love’s young dream, the darling joys of sweet buttonhooking, to lace
up crisscrossed to kneelength the dressy kid footwear satinlined, so
incredibly impossibly small, of Clyde Road ladies. Even their wax model
Raymonde I visited daily to admire her cobweb hose and stick of rhubarb
toe, as worn in Paris.
THE HOOF: Smell my hot goathide. Feel my royal weight.
BLOOM: (Crosslacing.) Too tight?
THE HOOF: If you bungle, Handy Andy, I’ll kick your football for you.
BLOOM: Not to lace the wrong eyelet as I did the night of the bazaar
dance. Bad luck. Hook in wrong tache of her... person you mentioned.
That night she met... Now!
(He knots the lace. Bella places her foot on the floor. Bloom raises
his head. Her heavy face, her eyes strike him in midbrow. His eyes grow
dull, darker and pouched, his nose thickens.)
BLOOM: (Mumbles.) Awaiting your further orders we remain, gentlemen,...
BELLO: (With a hard basilisk stare, in a baritone voice.) Hound of
BLOOM: (Infatuated.) Empress!
BELLO: (His heavy cheekchops sagging.) Adorer of the adulterous rump!
BLOOM: (Plaintively.) Hugeness!
BLOOM: (With sinews semiflexed.) Magmagnificence!
BELLO: Down! (He taps her on the shoulder with his fan.) Incline feet
forward! Slide left foot one pace back! You will fall. You are falling.
On the hands down!
BLOOM: (Her eyes upturned in the sign of admiration, closing, yaps.)
(With a piercing epileptic cry she sinks on all fours, grunting,
snuffling, rooting at his feet: then lies, shamming dead, with eyes shut
tight, trembling eyelids, bowed upon the ground in the attitude of most
BELLO: (With bobbed hair, purple gills, fat moustache rings round his
shaven mouth, in mountaineer’s puttees, green silverbuttoned coat,
sport skirt and alpine hat with moorcock’s feather, his hands stuck
deep in his breeches pockets, places his heel on her neck and grinds it
in.) Footstool! Feel my entire weight. Bow, bondslave, before the
throne of your despot’s glorious heels so glistening in their proud
BLOOM: (Enthralled, bleats.) I promise never to disobey.
BELLO: (Laughs loudly.) Holy smoke! You little know what’s in store
for you. I’m the Tartar to settle your little lot and break you in!
I’ll bet Kentucky cocktails all round I shame it out of you, old
son. Cheek me, I dare you. If you do tremble in anticipation of heel
discipline to be inflicted in gym costume.
(Bloom creeps under the sofa and peers out through the fringe.)
ZOE: (Widening her slip to screen her.) She’s not here.
BLOOM: (Closing her eyes.) She’s not here.
FLORRY: (Hiding her with her gown.) She didn’t mean it, Mr Bello.
She’ll be good, sir.
KITTY: Don’t be too hard on her, Mr Bello. Sure you won’t,
BELLO: (Coaxingly.) Come, ducky dear, I want a word with you, darling,
just to administer correction. Just a little heart to heart talk,
sweety. (Bloom puts out her timid head.) There’s a good girly now.
(Bello grabs her hair violently and drags her forward.) I only want to
correct you for your own good on a soft safe spot. How’s that tender
behind? O, ever so gently, pet. Begin to get ready.
BLOOM: (Fainting.) Don’t tear my...
BELLO: (Savagely.) The nosering, the pliers, the bastinado, the hanging
hook, the knout I’ll make you kiss while the flutes play like the
Nubian slave of old. You’re in for it this time! I’ll make you
remember me for the balance of your natural life. (His forehead veins
swollen, his face congested.) I shall sit on your ottoman saddleback
every morning after my thumping good breakfast of Matterson’s fat
hamrashers and a bottle of Guinness’s porter. (He belches.) And
suck my thumping good Stock Exchange cigar while I read the Licensed
Victualler’s Gazette. Very possibly I shall have you slaughtered and
skewered in my stables and enjoy a slice of you with crisp crackling
from the baking tin basted and baked like sucking pig with rice and
lemon or currant sauce. It will hurt you. (He twists her arm. Bloom
squeals, turning turtle.)
BLOOM: Don’t be cruel, nurse! Don’t!
BELLO: (Twisting.) Another!
BLOOM: (Screams.) O, it’s hell itself! Every nerve in my body aches
BELLO: (Shouts.) Good, by the rumping jumping general! That’s the best
bit of news I heard these six weeks. Here, don’t keep me waiting, damn
you! (He slaps her face.)
BLOOM: (Whimpers.) You’re after hitting me. I’ll tell...
BELLO: Hold him down, girls, till I squat on him.
ZOE: Yes. Walk on him! I will.
FLORRY: I will. Don’t be greedy.
KITTY: No, me. Lend him to me.
(The brothel cook, Mrs Keogh, wrinkled, greybearded, in a greasy bib,
men’s grey and green socks and brogues, floursmeared, a rollingpin
stuck with raw pastry in her bare red arm and hand, appears at the
MRS KEOGH: (Ferociously.) Can I help? (They hold and pinion Bloom.)
BELLO: (Squats with a grunt on Bloom’s upturned face, puffing
cigarsmoke, nursing a fat leg.) I see Keating Clay is elected
vicechairman of the Richmond asylum and by the by Guinness’s
preference shares are at sixteen three quarters. Curse me for a fool
that didn’t buy that lot Craig and Gardner told me about. Just my
infernal luck, curse it. And that Goddamned outsider Throwaway at twenty
to one. (He quenches his cigar angrily on Bloom’s ear.) Where’s that
Goddamned cursed ashtray?
BLOOM: (Goaded, buttocksmothered.) O! O! Monsters! Cruel one!
BELLO: Ask for that every ten minutes. Beg. Pray for it as you never
prayed before. (He thrusts out a figged fist and foul cigar.) Here,
kiss that. Both. Kiss. (He throws a leg astride and, pressing with
horseman’s knees, calls in a hard voice.) Gee up! A cockhorse to
Banbury cross. I’ll ride him for the Eclipse stakes. (He bends
sideways and squeezes his mount’s testicles roughly, shouting.)
Ho! Off we pop! I’ll nurse you in proper fashion. (He horserides
cockhorse, leaping in the, in the saddle.) The lady goes a pace a pace
and the coachman goes a trot a trot and the gentleman goes a gallop a
gallop a gallop a gallop.
FLORRY: (Pulls at Bello.) Let me on him now. You had enough. I asked
ZOE: (Pulling at Florry.) Me. Me. Are you not finished with him yet,
BLOOM: (Stifling.) Can’t.
BELLO: Well, I’m not. Wait. (He holds in his breath.) Curse it. Here.
This bung’s about burst. (He uncorks himself behind: then, contorting
his features, farts loudly.) Take that! (He recorks himself.) Yes, by
Jingo, sixteen three quarters.
BLOOM: (A sweat breaking out over him.) Not man. (He sniffs.) Woman.
BELLO: (Stands up.) No more blow hot and cold. What you longed for has
come to pass. Henceforth you are unmanned and mine in earnest, a thing
under the yoke. Now for your punishment frock. You will shed your male
garments, you understand, Ruby Cohen? and don the shot silk luxuriously
rustling over head and shoulders. And quickly too!
BLOOM: (Shrinks.) Silk, mistress said! O crinkly! scrapy! Must I
tiptouch it with my nails?
BELLO: (Points to his whores.) As they are now so will you be, wigged,
singed, perfumesprayed, ricepowdered, with smoothshaven armpits. Tape
measurements will be taken next your skin. You will be laced with cruel
force into vicelike corsets of soft dove coutille with whalebone busk to
the diamondtrimmed pelvis, the absolute outside edge, while your figure,
plumper than when at large, will be restrained in nettight frocks,
pretty two ounce petticoats and fringes and things stamped, of course,
with my houseflag, creations of lovely lingerie for Alice and nice
scent for Alice. Alice will feel the pullpull. Martha and Mary will be
a little chilly at first in such delicate thighcasing but the frilly
flimsiness of lace round your bare knees will remind you...
BLOOM: (A charming soubrette with dauby cheeks, mustard hair and large
male hands and nose, leering mouth.) I tried her things on only twice,
a small prank, in Holles street. When we were hard up I washed them to
save the laundry bill. My own shirts I turned. It was the purest thrift.
BELLO: (Jeers.) Little jobs that make mother pleased, eh? And showed off
coquettishly in your domino at the mirror behind closedrawn blinds your
unskirted thighs and hegoat’s udders in various poses of surrender,
eh? Ho! ho! I have to laugh! That secondhand black operatop shift and
short trunkleg naughties all split up the stitches at her last rape that
Mrs Miriam Dandrade sold you from the Shelbourne hotel, eh?
BLOOM: Miriam. Black. Demimondaine.
BELLO: (Guffaws.) Christ Almighty it’s too tickling, this! You were
a nicelooking Miriam when you clipped off your backgate hairs and
lay swooning in the thing across the bed as Mrs Dandrade about to be
violated by lieutenant Smythe-Smythe, Mr Philip Augustus Blockwell M.
P., signor Laci Daremo, the robust tenor, blueeyed Bert, the liftboy,
Henri Fleury of Gordon Bennett fame, Sheridan, the quadroon Croesus, the
varsity wetbob eight from old Trinity, Ponto, her splendid Newfoundland
and Bobs, dowager duchess of Manorhamilton. (He guffaws again.) Christ,
wouldn’t it make a Siamese cat laugh?
BLOOM: (Her hands and features working.) It was Gerald converted me to
be a true corsetlover when I was female impersonator in the High School
play Vice Versa. It was dear Gerald. He got that kink, fascinated by
sister’s stays. Now dearest Gerald uses pinky greasepaint and gilds
his eyelids. Cult of the beautiful.
BELLO: (With wicked glee.) Beautiful! Give us a breather! When you took
your seat with womanish care, lifting your billowy flounces, on the
BLOOM: Science. To compare the various joys we each enjoy. (Earnestly.)
And really it’s better the position... because often I used to wet...
BELLO: (Sternly.) No insubordination! The sawdust is there in the corner
for you. I gave you strict instructions, didn’t I? Do it standing,
sir! I’ll teach you to behave like a jinkleman! If I catch a trace
on your swaddles. Aha! By the ass of the Dorans you’ll find I’m a
martinet. The sins of your past are rising against you. Many. Hundreds.
THE SINS OF THE PAST: (In a medley of voices.) He went through a form of
clandestine marriage with at least one woman in the shadow of the Black
church. Unspeakable messages he telephoned mentally to Miss Dunn at an
address in D’Olier street while he presented himself indecently to
the instrument in the callbox. By word and deed he frankly encouraged
a nocturnal strumpet to deposit fecal and other matter in an unsanitary
outhouse attached to empty premises. In five public conveniences
he wrote pencilled messages offering his nuptial partner to all
strongmembered males. And by the offensively smelling vitriol works did
he not pass night after night by loving courting couples to see if and
what and how much he could see? Did he not lie in bed, the gross boar,
gloating over a nauseous fragment of wellused toilet paper presented to
him by a nasty harlot, stimulated by gingerbread and a postal order?
BELLO: (Whistles loudly.) Say! What was the most revolting piece of
obscenity in all your career of crime? Go the whole hog. Puke it out! Be
candid for once.
(Mute inhuman faces throng forward, leering, vanishing, gibbering,
Booloohoom. Poldy Kock, Bootlaces a penny, Cassidy’s hag, blind
stripling, Larry Rhinoceros, the girl, the woman, the whore, the other,
BLOOM: Don’t ask me! Our mutual faith. Pleasants street. I only
thought the half of the... I swear on my sacred oath...
BELLO: (Peremptorily.) Answer. Repugnant wretch! I insist on knowing.
Tell me something to amuse me, smut or a bloody good ghoststory or a
line of poetry, quick, quick, quick! Where? How? What time? With how
many? I give you just three seconds. One! Two! Thr...
BLOOM: (Docile, gurgles.) I rererepugnosed in rerererepugnant...
BELLO: (Imperiously.) O, get out, you skunk! Hold your tongue! Speak
when you’re spoken to.
BLOOM: (Bows.) Master! Mistress! Mantamer!
(He lifts his arms. His bangle bracelets fall.)
BELLO: (Satirically.) By day you will souse and bat our smelling
underclothes also when we ladies are unwell, and swab out our latrines
with dress pinned up and a dishclout tied to your tail. Won’t that be
nice? (He places a ruby ring on her finger.) And there now! With this
ring I thee own. Say, thank you, mistress.
BLOOM: Thank you, mistress.
BELLO: You will make the beds, get my tub ready, empty the pisspots in
the different rooms, including old Mrs Keogh’s the cook’s, a sandy
one. Ay, and rinse the seven of them well, mind, or lap it up like
champagne. Drink me piping hot. Hop! You will dance attendance or I’ll
lecture you on your misdeeds, Miss Ruby, and spank your bare bot right
well, miss, with the hairbrush. You’ll be taught the error of
your ways. At night your wellcreamed braceletted hands will wear
fortythreebutton gloves newpowdered with talc and having delicately
scented fingertips. For such favours knights of old laid down their
lives. (He chuckles.) My boys will be no end charmed to see you so
ladylike, the colonel, above all, when they come here the night before
the wedding to fondle my new attraction in gilded heels. First I’ll
have a go at you myself. A man I know on the turf named Charles Alberta
Marsh (I was in bed with him just now and another gentleman out of the
Hanaper and Petty Bag office) is on the lookout for a maid of all work
at a short knock. Swell the bust. Smile. Droop shoulders. What offers?
(He points.) For that lot. Trained by owner to fetch and carry, basket
in mouth. (He bares his arm and plunges it elbowdeep in Bloom’s
vulva.) There’s fine depth for you! What, boys? That give you a
hardon? (He shoves his arm in a bidder’s face.) Here wet the deck and
wipe it round!
A BIDDER: A florin.
(Dillon’s lacquey rings his handbell.)
THE LACQUEY: Barang!
A VOICE: One and eightpence too much.
CHARLES ALBERTA MARSH: Must be virgin. Good breath. Clean.
BELLO: (Gives a rap with his gavel.) Two bar. Rockbottom figure and
cheap at the price. Fourteen hands high. Touch and examine shis points.
Handle hrim. This downy skin, these soft muscles, this tender flesh. If
I had only my gold piercer here! And quite easy to milk. Three newlaid
gallons a day. A pure stockgetter, due to lay within the hour. His
sire’s milk record was a thousand gallons of whole milk in forty
weeks. Whoa, my jewel! Beg up! Whoa! (He brands his initial C on
Bloom’s croup.) So! Warranted Cohen! What advance on two bob,
A DARKVISAGED MAN: (In disguised accent.) Hoondert punt sterlink.
VOICES: (Subdued.) For the Caliph. Haroun Al Raschid.
BELLO: (Gaily.) Right. Let them all come. The scanty, daringly short
skirt, riding up at the knee to show a peep of white pantalette, is a
potent weapon and transparent stockings, emeraldgartered, with the
long straight seam trailing up beyond the knee, appeal to the better
instincts of the blasé man about town. Learn the smooth mincing walk on
four inch Louis Quinze heels, the Grecian bend with provoking croup,
the thighs fluescent, knees modestly kissing. Bring all your powers of
fascination to bear on them. Pander to their Gomorrahan vices.
BLOOM: (Bends his blushing face into his armpit and simpers with
forefinger in mouth.) O, I know what you’re hinting at now!
BELLO: What else are you good for, an impotent thing like you? (He
stoops and, peering, pokes with his fan rudely under the fat suet folds
of Bloom’s haunches.) Up! Up! Manx cat! What have we here? Where’s
your curly teapot gone to or who docked it on you, cockyolly? Sing,
birdy, sing. It’s as limp as a boy of six’s doing his pooly behind
a cart. Buy a bucket or sell your pump. (Loudly.) Can you do a man’s
BLOOM: Eccles street...
BELLO: (Sarcastically.) I wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world
but there’s a man of brawn in possession there. The tables are turned,
my gay young fellow! He is something like a fullgrown outdoor man. Well
for you, you muff, if you had that weapon with knobs and lumps and warts
all over it. He shot his bolt, I can tell you! Foot to foot, knee to
knee, belly to belly, bubs to breast! He’s no eunuch. A shock of red
hair he has sticking out of him behind like a furzebush! Wait for nine
months, my lad! Holy ginger, it’s kicking and coughing up and down in
her guts already! That makes you wild, don’t it? Touches the spot? (He
spits in contempt.) Spittoon!
BLOOM: I was indecently treated, I... Inform the police. Hundred pounds.
BELLO: Would if you could, lame duck. A downpour we want not your
BLOOM: To drive me mad! Moll! I forgot! Forgive! Moll... We... Still...
BELLO: (Ruthlessly.) No, Leopold Bloom, all is changed by woman’s will
since you slept horizontal in Sleepy Hollow your night of twenty years.
Return and see.
(Old Sleepy Hollow calls over the wold.)
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Rip van Wink! Rip van Winkle!
BLOOM: (In tattered mocassins with a rusty fowlingpiece, tiptoeing,
fingertipping, his haggard bony bearded face peering through the
diamond panes, cries out.) I see her! It’s she! The first night at
Mat Dillon’s! But that dress, the green! And her hair is dyed gold and
BELLO: (Laughs mockingly.) That’s your daughter, you owl, with a
(Milly Bloom, fairhaired, greenvested, slimsandalled, her blue scarf
in the seawind simply swirling, breaks from the arms of her lover and
calls, her young eyes wonderwide.)
MILLY: My! It’s Papli! But, O Papli, how old you’ve grown!
BELLO: Changed, eh? Our whatnot, our writingtable where we never wrote,
aunt Hegarty’s armchair, our classic reprints of old masters. A man
and his menfriends are living there in clover. The Cuckoos’ Rest!
Why not? How many women had you, eh, following them up dark streets,
flatfoot, exciting them by your smothered grunts, what, you male
prostitute? Blameless dames with parcels of groceries. Turn about. Sauce
for the goose, my gander O.
BLOOM: They... I...
BELLO: (Cuttingly.) Their heelmarks will stamp the Brusselette carpet
you bought at Wren’s auction. In their horseplay with Moll the romp
to find the buck flea in her breeches they will deface the little statue
you carried home in the rain for art for art’s sake. They will violate
the secrets of your bottom drawer. Pages will be torn from your handbook
of astronomy to make them pipespills. And they will spit in your ten
shilling brass fender from Hampton Leedom’s.
BLOOM: Ten and six. The act of low scoundrels. Let me go. I will return.
I will prove...
A VOICE: Swear!
(Bloom clenches his fists and crawls forward, a bowieknife between his
BELLO: As a paying guest or a kept man? Too late. You have made your
secondbest bed and others must lie in it. Your epitaph is written. You
are down and out and don’t you forget it, old bean.
BLOOM: Justice! All Ireland versus one! Has nobody...? (He bites his
BELLO: Die and be damned to you if you have any sense of decency or
grace about you. I can give you a rare old wine that’ll send you
skipping to hell and back. Sign a will and leave us any coin you have!
If you have none see you damn well get it, steal it, rob it! We’ll
bury you in our shrubbery jakes where you’ll be dead and dirty with
old Cuck Cohen, my stepnephew I married, the bloody old gouty procurator
and sodomite with a crick in his neck, and my other ten or eleven
husbands, whatever the buggers’ names were, suffocated in the one
cesspool. (He explodes in a loud phlegmy laugh.) We’ll manure you, Mr
Flower! (He pipes scoffingly.) Byby, Poldy! Byby, Papli!
BLOOM: (Clasps his head.) My willpower! Memory! I have sinned! I have
(He weeps tearlessly.)
BELLO: (Sneers.) Crybabby! Crocodile tears!
(Bloom, broken, closely veiled for the sacrifice, sobs, his face to
the earth. The passing bell is heard. Darkshawled figures of the
circumcised, in sackcloth and ashes, stand by the wailing wall. M.
Shulomowitz, Joseph Goldwater, Moses Herzog, Harris Rosenberg, M.
Moisel, J. Citron, Minnie Watchman, P. Mastiansky, The Reverend Leopold
Abramovitz, Chazen. With swaying arms they wail in pneuma over the
THE CIRCUMCISED: (In dark guttural chant as they cast dead sea fruit
upon him, no flowers.) Shema Israel Adonai Elohenu Adonai Echad.
VOICES: (Sighing.) So he’s gone. Ah yes. Yes, indeed. Bloom? Never
heard of him. No? Queer kind of chap. There’s the widow. That so? Ah,
(From the suttee pyre the flame of gum camphire ascends. The pall of
incense smoke screens and disperses. Out of her oakframe a nymph with
hair unbound, lightly clad in teabrown artcolours, descends from her
grotto and passing under interlacing yews stands over Bloom.)
THE YEWS: (Their leaves whispering.) Sister. Our sister. Ssh!
THE NYMPH: (Softly.) Mortal! (Kindly.) Nay, dost not weepest!
BLOOM: (Crawls jellily forward under the boughs, streaked by sunlight,
with dignity.) This position. I felt it was expected of me. Force of
THE NYMPH: Mortal! You found me in evil company, highkickers, coster
picnicmakers, pugilists, popular generals, immoral panto boys in
fleshtights and the nifty shimmy dancers, La Aurora and Karini, musical
act, the hit of the century. I was hidden in cheap pink paper that smelt
of rock oil. I was surrounded by the stale smut of clubmen, stories to
disturb callow youth, ads for transparencies, truedup dice and bustpads,
proprietary articles and why wear a truss with testimonial from ruptured
gentleman. Useful hints to the married.
BLOOM: (Lifts a turtle head towards her lap.) We have met before. On
THE NYMPH: (Sadly.) Rubber goods. Neverrip brand as supplied to the
aristocracy. Corsets for men. I cure fits or money refunded. Unsolicited
testimonials for Professor Waldmann’s wonderful chest exuber. My bust
developed four inches in three weeks, reports Mrs Gus Rublin with photo.
BLOOM: You mean Photo Bits?
THE NYMPH: I do. You bore me away, framed me in oak and tinsel, set me
above your marriage couch. Unseen, one summer eve, you kissed me in
four places. And with loving pencil you shaded my eyes, my bosom and my
BLOOM: (Humbly kisses her long hair.) Your classic curves, beautiful
immortal, I was glad to look on you, to praise you, a thing of beauty,
almost to pray.
THE NYMPH: During dark nights I heard your praise.
BLOOM: (Quickly.) Yes, yes. You mean that I... Sleep reveals the worst
side of everyone, children perhaps excepted. I know I fell out of bed
or rather was pushed. Steel wine is said to cure snoring. For the rest
there is that English invention, pamphlet of which I received some days
ago, incorrectly addressed. It claims to afford a noiseless, inoffensive
vent. (He sighs.) ’Twas ever thus. Frailty, thy name is marriage.
THE NYMPH: (Her fingers in her ears.) And words. They are not in my
BLOOM: You understood them?
THE YEWS: Ssh!
THE NYMPH: (Covers her face with her hands.) What have I not seen in
that chamber? What must my eyes look down on?
BLOOM: (Apologetically.) I know. Soiled personal linen, wrong side up
with care. The quoits are loose. From Gibraltar by long sea long ago.
THE NYMPH: (Bends her head.) Worse, worse!
BLOOM: (Reflects precautiously.) That antiquated commode. It wasn’t
her weight. She scaled just eleven stone nine. She put on nine pounds
after weaning. It was a crack and want of glue. Eh? And that absurd
orangekeyed utensil which has only one handle.
(The sound of a waterfall is heard in bright cascade.)
 Poulaphouca Poulaphouca
 Poulaphouca Poulaphouca.
THE YEWS: (Mingling their boughs.) Listen. Whisper. She is right, our
sister. We grew by Poulaphouca waterfall. We gave shade on languorous
JOHN WYSE NOLAN: (In the background, in Irish National Forester’s
uniform, doffs his plumed hat.) Prosper! Give shade on languorous days,
trees of Ireland!
THE YEWS: (Murmuring.) Who came to Poulaphouca with the High School
excursion? Who left his nutquesting classmates to seek our shade?
BLOOM: (Scared.) High School of Poula? Mnemo? Not in full possession of
faculties. Concussion. Run over by tram.
THE ECHO: Sham!
BLOOM: (Pigeonbreasted, bottleshouldered, padded, in nondescript
juvenile grey and black striped suit, too small for him, white tennis
shoes, bordered stockings with turnover tops and a red schoolcap with
badge.) I was in my teens, a growing boy. A little then sufficed,
a jolting car, the mingling odours of the ladies’ cloakroom and
lavatory, the throng penned tight on the old Royal stairs (for they
love crushes, instinct of the herd, and the dark sexsmelling theatre
unbridles vice), even a pricelist of their hosiery. And then the heat.
There were sunspots that summer. End of school. And tipsycake. Halcyon
(Halcyon days, high school boys in blue and white football jerseys and
shorts, Master Donald Turnbull, Master Abraham Chatterton, Master Owen
Goldberg, Master Jack Meredith, Master Percy Apjohn, stand in a clearing
of the trees and shout to Master Leopold Bloom.)
THE HALCYON DAYS: Mackerel! Live us again. Hurray! (They cheer.)
BLOOM: (Hobbledehoy, warmgloved, mammamufflered, starred with spent
snowballs, struggles to rise.) Again! I feel sixteen! What a lark!
Let’s ring all the bells in Montague street. (He cheers feebly.)
Hurray for the High School!
THE ECHO: Fool!
THE YEWS: (Rustling.) She is right, our sister. Whisper. (Whispered
kisses are heard in all the wood. Faces of hamadryads peep out from
the boles and among the leaves and break, blossoming into bloom.) Who
profaned our silent shade?
THE NYMPH: (Coyly, through parting fingers.) There? In the open air?
THE YEWS: (Sweeping downward.) Sister, yes. And on our virgin sward.
 Poulaphouca Poulaphouca
 Phoucaphouca Phoucaphouca.
THE NYMPH: (With wide fingers.) O, infamy!
BLOOM: I was precocious. Youth. The fauna. I sacrificed to the god of
the forest. The flowers that bloom in the spring. It was pairing
time. Capillary attraction is a natural phenomenon. Lotty Clarke,
flaxenhaired, I saw at her night toilette through illclosed curtains
with poor papa’s operaglasses: The wanton ate grass wildly. She rolled
downhill at Rialto bridge to tempt me with her flow of animal spirits.
She climbed their crooked tree and I... A saint couldn’t resist it.
The demon possessed me. Besides, who saw?
(Staggering Bob, a whitepolled calf, thrusts a ruminating head with
humid nostrils through the foliage.)
STAGGERING BOB: (Large teardrops rolling from his prominent eyes,
snivels.) Me. Me see.
BLOOM: Simply satisfying a need I... (With pathos.) No girl would when I
went girling. Too ugly. They wouldn’t play...
(High on Ben Howth through rhododendrons a nannygoat passes,
plumpuddered, buttytailed, dropping currants.)
THE NANNYGOAT: (Bleats.) Megeggaggegg! Nannannanny!
BLOOM: (Hatless, flushed, covered with burrs of thistledown and
gorsespine.) Regularly engaged. Circumstances alter cases. (He gazes
intently downwards on the water.) Thirtytwo head over heels per second.
Press nightmare. Giddy Elijah. Fall from cliff. Sad end of government
printer’s clerk. (Through silversilent summer air the dummy of Bloom,
rolled in a mummy, rolls roteatingly from the Lion’s Head cliff into
the purple waiting waters.)
THE DUMMYMUMMY: Bbbbblllllblblblblobschbg!
(Far out in the bay between Bailey and Kish lights the Erin’s King
sails, sending a broadening plume of coalsmoke from her funnel towards
COUNCILLOR NANNETTI: (Alone on deck, in dark alpaca, yellowkitefaced,
his hand in his waistcoat opening, declaims.) When my country takes her
place among the nations of the earth, then, and not till then, let my
epitaph be written. I have...
BLOOM: Done. Prff!
THE NYMPH: (Loftily.) We immortals, as you saw today, have not such
a place and no hair there either. We are stonecold and pure. We eat
electric light. (She arches her body in lascivious crispation, placing
her forefinger in her mouth.) Spoke to me. Heard from behind. How then
BLOOM: (Pawing the heather abjectly.) O, I have been a perfect pig.
Enemas too I have administered. One third of a pint of quassia to
which add a tablespoonful of rocksalt. Up the fundament. With Hamilton
Long’s syringe, the ladies’ friend.
THE NYMPH: In my presence. The powderpuff. (She blushes and makes a
knee.) And the rest!
BLOOM: (Dejected.) Yes. Peccavi! I have paid homage on that living altar
where the back changes name. (With sudden fervour.) For why should the
dainty scented jewelled hand, the hand that rules...?
(Figures wind serpenting in slow woodland pattern around the treestems,
THE VOICE OF KITTY: (In the thicket.) Show us one of them cushions.
THE VOICE OF FLORRY: Here.
(A grouse wings clumsily through the underwood.)
THE VOICE OF LYNCH: (In the thicket.) Whew! Piping hot!
THE VOICE OF ZOE: (From the thicket.) Came from a hot place.
THE VOICE OF VIRAG: (A birdchief, bluestreaked and feathered in war
panoply with his assegai, striding through a crackling canebrake over
beechmast and acorns.) Hot! Hot! Ware Sitting Bull!
BLOOM: It overpowers me. The warm impress of her warm form. Even to sit
where a woman has sat, especially with divaricated thighs, as though to
grant the last favours, most especially with previously well uplifted
white sateen coatpans. So womanly, full. It fills me full.
 Phillaphulla Poulaphouca
 Poulaphouca Poulaphouca.
THE YEWS: Ssh! Sister, speak!
THE NYMPH: (Eyeless, in nun’s white habit, coif and hugewinged wimple,
softly, with remote eyes.) Tranquilla convent. Sister Agatha. Mount
Carmel. The apparitions of Knock and Lourdes. No more desire. (She
reclines her head, sighing.) Only the ethereal. Where dreamy creamy gull
waves o’er the waters dull.
(Bloom half rises. His back trouserbutton snaps.)
THE BUTTON: Bip!
(Two sluts of the Coombe dance rainily by, shawled, yelling flatly.)
 O, Leopold lost the pin of his drawers
 He didn’t know what to do,
 To keep it up,
 To keep it up.
BLOOM: (Coldly.) You have broken the spell. The last straw. If there
were only ethereal where would you all be, postulants and novices? Shy
but willing like an ass pissing.
THE YEWS: (Their silverfoil of leaves precipitating, their skinny arms
aging and swaying.) Deciduously!
THE NYMPH: (Her features hardening, gropes in the folds of her habit.)
Sacrilege! To attempt my virtue! (A large moist stain appears on her
robe.) Sully my innocence! You are not fit to touch the garment of a
pure woman. (She clutches again in her robe.) Wait. Satan, you’ll sing
no more lovesongs. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. (She draws a poniard and,
clad in the sheathmail of an elected knight of nine, strikes at his
BLOOM: (Starts up, seizes her hand.) Hoy! Nebrakada! Cat o’ nine
lives! Fair play, madam. No pruningknife. The fox and the grapes, is it?
What do you lack with your barbed wire? Crucifix not thick enough? (He
clutches her veil.) A holy abbot you want or Brophy, the lame gardener,
or the spoutless statue of the watercarrier, or good mother Alphonsus,
THE NYMPH: (With a cry flees from him unveiled, her plaster cast
cracking, a cloud of stench escaping from the cracks.) Poli...!
BLOOM: (Calls after her.) As if you didn’t get it on the double
yourselves. No jerks and multiple mucosities all over you. I tried it.
Your strength our weakness. What’s our studfee? What will you pay on
the nail? You fee mendancers on the Riviera, I read. (The fleeing nymph
raises a keen.) Eh? I have sixteen years of black slave labour behind
me. And would a jury give me five shillings alimony tomorrow, eh? Fool
someone else, not me. (He sniffs.) Rut. Onions. Stale. Sulphur. Grease.
(The figure of Bella Cohen stands before him.)
BELLA: You’ll know me the next time.
BLOOM: (Composed, regards her.) Passée. Mutton dressed as lamb. Long
in the tooth and superfluous hair. A raw onion the last thing at night
would benefit your complexion. And take some double chin drill. Your
eyes are as vapid as the glasseyes of your stuffed fox. They have the
dimensions of your other features, that’s all. I’m not a triple
BELLA: (Contemptuously.) You’re not game, in fact. (Her sowcunt
BLOOM: (Contemptuously.) Clean your nailless middle finger first, your
bully’s cold spunk is dripping from your cockscomb. Take a handful of
hay and wipe yourself.
BELLA: I know you, canvasser! Dead cod!
BLOOM: I saw him, kipkeeper! Pox and gleet vendor!
BELLA: (Turns to the piano.) Which of you was playing the dead march
ZOE: Me. Mind your cornflowers. (She darts to the piano and bangs chords
on it with crossed arms.) The cat’s ramble through the slag. (She
glances back.) Eh? Who’s making love to my sweeties? (She darts back
to the table.) What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.
(Kitty, disconcerted, coats her teeth with the silver paper. Bloom
BLOOM: (Gently.) Give me back that potato, will you?
ZOE: Forfeits, a fine thing and a superfine thing.
BLOOM: (With feeling.) It is nothing, but still, a relic of poor mamma.
 Give a thing and take it back
 God’ll ask you where is that
 You’ll say you don’t know
 God’ll send you down below.
BLOOM: There is a memory attached to it. I should like to have it.
STEPHEN: To have or not to have that is the question.
ZOE: Here. (She hauls up a reef of her slip, revealing her bare thigh,
and unrolls the potato from the top of her stocking.) Those that hides
knows where to find.
BELLA: (Frowns.) Here. This isn’t a musical peepshow. And don’t you
smash that piano. Who’s paying here?
(She goes to the pianola. Stephen fumbles in his pocket and, taking out
a banknote by its corner, hands it to her.)
STEPHEN: (With exaggerated politeness.) This silken purse I made out of
the sow’s ear of the public. Madam, excuse me. If you allow me. (He
indicates vaguely Lynch and Bloom.) We are all in the same sweepstake,
Kinch and Lynch. Dans ce bordel où tenons nostre état.
LYNCH: (Calls from the hearth.) Dedalus! Give her your blessing for me.
STEPHEN: (Hands Bella a coin.) Gold. She has it.
BELLA: (Looks at the money, then at Stephen, then at Zoe, Florry and
Kitty.) Do you want three girls? It’s ten shillings here.
STEPHEN: (Delightedly.) A hundred thousand apologies. (He fumbles again
and takes out and hands her two crowns.) Permit, brevi manu, my sight is
(Bella goes to the table to count the money while Stephen talks to
himself in monosyllables. Zoe bends over the table. Kitty leans over
Zoe’s neck. Lynch gets up, rights his cap and, clasping Kitty’s
waist, adds his head to the group.)
FLORRY: (Strives heavily to rise.) Ow! My foot’s asleep. (She limps
over to the table. Bloom approaches.)
BELLA, ZOE, KITTY, LYNCH, BLOOM: (Chattering and squabbling.) The
gentleman... ten shillings... paying for the three... allow me a
moment... this gentleman pays separate... who’s touching it?... ow!
... mind who you’re pinching... are you staying the night or a short
time?... who did?... you’re a liar, excuse me... the gentleman paid
down like a gentleman... drink... it’s long after eleven.
STEPHEN: (At the pianola, making a gesture of abhorrence.) No bottles!
What, eleven? A riddle!
ZOE: (Lifting up her pettigown and folding a half sovereign into the top
of her stocking.) Hard earned on the flat of my back.
LYNCH: (Lifting Kitty from the table.) Come!
KITTY: Wait. (She clutches the two crowns.)
FLORRY: And me?
(He lifts her, carries her and bumps her down on the sofa.)
 The fox crew, the cocks flew,
 The bells in heaven
 Were striking eleven.
 ’Tis time for her poor soul
 To get out of heaven.
BLOOM: (Quietly lays a half sovereign on the table between Bella and
Florry.) So. Allow me. (He takes up the poundnote.) Three times ten.
BELLA: (Admiringly.) You’re such a slyboots, old cocky. I could kiss
ZOE: (Points.) Him? Deep as a drawwell. (Lynch bends Kitty back over the
sofa and kisses her. Bloom goes with the poundnote to Stephen.)
BLOOM: This is yours.
STEPHEN: How is that? Le distrait or absentminded beggar. (He fumbles
again in his pocket and draws out a handful of coins. An object falls.)
BLOOM: (Stooping, picks up and hands a box of matches.) This.
STEPHEN: Lucifer. Thanks.
BLOOM: (Quietly.) You had better hand over that cash to me to take care
of. Why pay more?
STEPHEN: (Hands him all his coins.) Be just before you are generous.
BLOOM: I will but is it wise? (He counts.) One, seven, eleven, and five.
Six. Eleven. I don’t answer for what you may have lost.
STEPHEN: Why striking eleven? Proparoxyton. Moment before the next
Lessing says. Thirsty fox. (He laughs loudly.) Burying his grandmother.
Probably he killed her.
BLOOM: That is one pound six and eleven. One pound seven, say.
STEPHEN: Doesn’t matter a rambling damn.
BLOOM: No, but...
STEPHEN: (Comes to the table.) Cigarette, please. (Lynch tosses a
cigarette from the sofa to the table.) And so Georgina Johnson is dead
and married. (A cigarette appears on the table. Stephen looks at it.)
Wonder. Parlour magic. Married. Hm. (He strikes a match and proceeds to
light the cigarette with enigmatic melancholy.)
LYNCH: (Watching him.) You would have a better chance of lighting it if
you held the match nearer.
STEPHEN: (Brings the match near his eye.) Lynx eye. Must get glasses.
Broke them yesterday. Sixteen years ago. Distance. The eye sees all
flat. (He draws the match away. It goes out.) Brain thinks. Near: far.
Ineluctable modality of the visible. (He frowns mysteriously.) Hm.
Sphinx. The beast that has two backs at midnight. Married.
ZOE: It was a commercial traveller married her and took her away with
FLORRY: (Nods.) Mr Lambe from London.
STEPHEN: Lamb of London, who takest away the sins of our world.
LYNCH: (Embracing Kitty on the sofa, chants deeply.) Dona nobis pacem.
(The cigarette slips from Stephen’s fingers. Bloom picks it up and
throws it in the grate.)
BLOOM: Don’t smoke. You ought to eat. Cursed dog I met. (To Zoe.) You
ZOE: Is he hungry?
STEPHEN: (Extends his hand to her smiling and chants to the air of the
bloodoath in the Dusk of the Gods.)
 Hangende Hunger,
 Fragende Frau,
 Macht uns alle kaputt.
ZOE: (Tragically.) Hamlet, I am thy father’s gimlet! (She takes
his hand.) Blue eyes beauty I’ll read your hand. (She points to his
forehead.) No wit, no wrinkles. (She counts.) Two, three, Mars, that’s
courage. (Stephen shakes his head.) No kid.
LYNCH: Sheet lightning courage. The youth who could not shiver and
shake. (To Zoe.) Who taught you palmistry?
ZOE: (Turns.) Ask my ballocks that I haven’t got. (To Stephen.) I see
it in your face. The eye, like that. (She frowns with lowered head.)
LYNCH: (Laughing, slaps Kitty behind twice.) Like that. Pandybat.
(Twice loudly a pandybat cracks, the coffin of the pianola flies open,
the bald little round jack-in-the-box head of Father Dolan springs up.)
FATHER DOLAN: Any boy want flogging? Broke his glasses? Lazy idle little
schemer. See it in your eye.
(Mild, benign, rectorial, reproving, the head of Don John Conmee rises
from the pianola coffin.)
DON JOHN CONMEE: Now, Father Dolan! Now. I’m sure that Stephen is a
very good little boy!
ZOE: (Examining Stephen’s palm.) Woman’s hand.
STEPHEN: (Murmurs.) Continue. Lie. Hold me. Caress. I never could read
His handwriting except His criminal thumbprint on the haddock.
ZOE: What day were you born?
STEPHEN: Thursday. Today.
ZOE: Thursday’s child has far to go. (She traces lines on his hand.)
Line of fate. Influential friends.
FLORRY: (Pointing.) Imagination.
ZOE: Mount of the moon. You’ll meet with a... (She peers at his hands
abruptly.) I won’t tell you what’s not good for you. Or do you want
BLOOM: (Detaches her fingers and offers his palm.) More harm than good.
Here. Read mine.
BELLA: Show. (She turns up Bloom’s hand.) I thought so. Knobby
knuckles for the women.
ZOE: (Peering at Bloom’s palm.) Gridiron. Travels beyond the sea and
ZOE: (Quickly.) O, I see. Short little finger. Henpecked husband. That
(Black Liz, a huge rooster hatching in a chalked circle, rises,
stretches her wings and clucks.)
BLACK LIZ: Gara. Klook. Klook. Klook.
(She sidles from her newlaid egg and waddles off.)
BLOOM: (Points to his hand.) That weal there is an accident. Fell and
cut it twentytwo years ago. I was sixteen.
ZOE: I see, says the blind man. Tell us news.
STEPHEN: See? Moves to one great goal. I am twentytwo. Sixteen years ago
he was twentytwo too. Sixteen years ago I twentytwo tumbled. Twentytwo
years ago he sixteen fell off his hobbyhorse. (He winces.) Hurt my hand
somewhere. Must see a dentist. Money?
(Zoe whispers to Florry. They giggle. Bloom releases his hand and writes
idly on the table in backhand, pencilling slow curves.)
(A hackneycar, number three hundred and twentyfour, with a
gallantbuttocked mare, driven by James Barton, Harmony Avenue,
Donnybrook, trots past. Blazes Boylan and Lenehan sprawl swaying on the
sideseats. The Ormond boots crouches behind on the axle. Sadly over the
crossblind Lydia Douce and Mina Kennedy gaze.)
THE BOOTS: (Jogging, mocks them with thumb and wriggling wormfingers.)
Haw haw have you the horn?
(Bronze by gold they whisper.)
ZOE: (To Florry.) Whisper.
(They whisper again.)
(Over the well of the car Blazes Boylan leans, his boater straw set
sideways, a red flower in his mouth. Lenehan in yachtsman’s cap and
white shoes officiously detaches a long hair from Blazes Boylan’s coat
LENEHAN: Ho! What do I here behold? Were you brushing the cobwebs off a
BOYLAN: (Sated, smiles.) Plucking a turkey.
LENEHAN: A good night’s work.
BOYLAN: (Holding up four thick bluntungulated fingers, winks.) Blazes
Kate! Up to sample or your money back. (He holds out a forefinger.)
LENEHAN: (Smells gleefully.) Ah! Lobster and mayonnaise. Ah!
ZOE AND FLORRY: (Laugh together.) Ha ha ha ha.
BOYLAN: (Jumps surely from the car and calls loudly for all to hear.)
Hello, Bloom! Mrs Bloom dressed yet?
BLOOM: (In flunkey’s prune plush coat and kneebreeches, buff stockings
and powdered wig.) I’m afraid not, sir. The last articles...
BOYLAN: (Tosses him sixpence.) Here, to buy yourself a gin and splash.
(He hangs his hat smartly on a peg of Bloom’s antlered head.) Show me
in. I have a little private business with your wife, you understand?
BLOOM: Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Madam Tweedy is in her bath, sir.
MARION: He ought to feel himself highly honoured. (She plops splashing
out of the water.) Raoul darling, come and dry me. I’m in my pelt.
Only my new hat and a carriage sponge.
BOYLAN: (A merry twinkle in his eye.) Topping!
BELLA: What? What is it?
(Zoe whispers to her.)
MARION: Let him look, the pishogue! Pimp! And scourge himself! I’ll
write to a powerful prostitute or Bartholomona, the bearded woman, to
raise weals out on him an inch thick and make him bring me back a signed
and stamped receipt.
BOYLAN: (Clasps himself.) Here, I can’t hold this little lot much
longer. (He strides off on stiff cavalry legs.)
BELLA: (Laughing.) Ho ho ho ho.
BOYLAN: (To Bloom, over his shoulder.) You can apply your eye to the
keyhole and play with yourself while I just go through her a few times.
BLOOM: Thank you, sir. I will, sir. May I bring two men chums to witness
the deed and take a snapshot? (He holds out an ointment jar.) Vaseline,
sir? Orangeflower...? Lukewarm water...?
KITTY: (From the sofa.) Tell us, Florry. Tell us. What...
(Florry whispers to her. Whispering lovewords murmur, liplapping loudly,
MINA KENNEDY: (Her eyes upturned.) O, it must be like the scent of
geraniums and lovely peaches! O, he simply idolises every bit of her!
Stuck together! Covered with kisses!
LYDIA DOUCE: (Her mouth opening.) Yumyum. O, he’s carrying her round
the room doing it! Ride a cockhorse. You could hear them in Paris and
New York. Like mouthfuls of strawberries and cream.
KITTY: (Laughing.) Hee hee hee.
BOYLAN’S VOICE: (Sweetly, hoarsely, in the pit of his stomach.) Ah!
MARION’S VOICE: (Hoarsely, sweetly, rising to her throat.) O!
BLOOM: (His eyes wildly dilated, clasps himself.) Show! Hide! Show!
Plough her! More! Shoot!
BELLA, ZOE, FLORRY, KITTY: Ho ho! Ha ha! Hee hee!
LYNCH: (Points.) The mirror up to nature. (He laughs.) Hu hu hu hu hu!
(Stephen and Bloom gaze in the mirror. The face of William Shakespeare,
beardless, appears there, rigid in facial paralysis, crowned by the
reflection of the reindeer antlered hatrack in the hall.)
SHAKESPEARE: (In dignified ventriloquy.) ’Tis the loud laugh bespeaks
the vacant mind. (To Bloom.) Thou thoughtest as how thou wastest
invisible. Gaze. (He crows with a black capon’s laugh.) Iagogo! How my
Oldfellow chokit his Thursdaymornun. Iagogogo!
BLOOM: (Smiles yellowly at the three whores.) When will I hear the joke?
ZOE: Before you’re twice married and once a widower.
BLOOM: Lapses are condoned. Even the great Napoleon when measurements
were taken next the skin after his death...
(Mrs Dignam, widow woman, her snubnose and cheeks flushed with
deathtalk, tears and Tunney’s tawny sherry, hurries by in her weeds,
her bonnet awry, rouging and powdering her cheeks, lips and nose, a
pen chivvying her brood of cygnets. Beneath her skirt appear her late
husband’s everyday trousers and turnedup boots, large eights. She
holds a Scottish widow’s insurance policy and a large marquee umbrella
under which her brood run with her, Patsy hopping on one shod foot, his
collar loose, a hank of porksteaks dangling, Freddy whimpering, Susy
with a crying cod’s mouth, Alice struggling with the baby. She cuffs
them on, her streamers flaunting aloft.)
FREDDY: Ah, ma, you’re dragging me along!
SUSY: Mamma, the beeftea is fizzing over!
SHAKESPEARE: (With paralytic rage.) Weda seca whokilla farst.
(The face of Martin Cunningham, bearded, refeatures Shakespeare’s
beardless face. The marquee umbrella sways drunkenly, the children run
aside. Under the umbrella appears Mrs Cunningham in Merry Widow hat and
kimono gown. She glides sidling and bowing, twirling japanesily.)
MRS CUNNINGHAM: (Sings.)
 And they call me the jewel of Asia!
MARTIN CUNNINGHAM: (Gazes on her, impassive.) Immense! Most bloody awful
STEPHEN: Et exaltabuntur cornua iusti. Queens lay with prize bulls.
Remember Pasiphae for whose lust my grandoldgrossfather made the first
confessionbox. Forget not Madam Grissel Steevens nor the suine scions
of the house of Lambert. And Noah was drunk with wine. And his ark was
BELLA: None of that here. Come to the wrong shop.
LYNCH: Let him alone. He’s back from Paris.
ZOE: (Runs to stephen and links him.) O go on! Give us some parleyvoo.
(Stephen claps hat on head and leaps over to the fireplace where he
stands with shrugged shoulders, finny hands outspread, a painted smile
on his face.)
LYNCH: (Pommelling on the sofa.) Rmm Rmm Rmm Rrrrrrmmmmm.
STEPHEN: (Gabbles with marionette jerks.) Thousand places of
entertainment to expense your evenings with lovely ladies saling gloves
and other things perhaps hers heart beerchops perfect fashionable
house very eccentric where lots cocottes beautiful dressed much about
princesses like are dancing cancan and walking there parisian clowneries
extra foolish for bachelors foreigns the same if talking a poor english
how much smart they are on things love and sensations voluptuous.
Misters very selects for is pleasure must to visit heaven and hell show
with mortuary candles and they tears silver which occur every night.
Perfectly shocking terrific of religion’s things mockery seen in
universal world. All chic womans which arrive full of modesty then
disrobe and squeal loud to see vampire man debauch nun very fresh young
with dessous troublants. (He clacks his tongue loudly.) Ho, là là! Ce
pif qu’il a!
LYNCH: Vive le vampire!
THE WHORES: Bravo! Parleyvoo!
STEPHEN: (Grimacing with head back, laughs loudly, clapping himself.)
Great success of laughing. Angels much prostitutes like and holy
apostles big damn ruffians. Demimondaines nicely handsome sparkling of
diamonds very amiable costumed. Or do you are fond better what belongs
they moderns pleasure turpitude of old mans? (He points about him with
grotesque gestures which Lynch and the whores reply to.) Caoutchouc
statue woman reversible or lifesize tompeeptom of virgins nudities very
lesbic the kiss five ten times. Enter, gentleman, to see in mirror every
positions trapezes all that machine there besides also if desire act
awfully bestial butcher’s boy pollutes in warm veal liver or omlet on
the belly pièce de Shakespeare.
BELLA: (Clapping her belly sinks back on the sofa, with a shout of
laughter.) An omelette on the... Ho! ho! ho! ho!... omelette on the...
STEPHEN: (Mincingly.) I love you, sir darling. Speak you englishman
tongue for double entente cordiale. O yes, mon loup. How much cost?
Waterloo. Watercloset. (He ceases suddenly and holds up a forefinger.)
BELLA: (Laughing.) Omelette...
THE WHORES: (Laughing.) Encore! Encore!
STEPHEN: Mark me. I dreamt of a watermelon.
ZOE: Go abroad and love a foreign lady.
LYNCH: Across the world for a wife.
FLORRY: Dreams goes by contraries.
STEPHEN: (Extends his arms.) It was here. Street of harlots. In
Serpentine avenue Beelzebub showed me her, a fubsy widow. Where’s the
red carpet spread?
BLOOM: (Approaching Stephen.) Look...
STEPHEN: No, I flew. My foes beneath me. And ever shall be. World
without end. (He cries.) Pater! Free!
BLOOM: I say, look...
STEPHEN: Break my spirit, will he? O merde alors! (He cries, his vulture
talons sharpened.) Hola! Hillyho!
(Simon Dedalus’ voice hilloes in answer, somewhat sleepy but ready.)
SIMON: That’s all right. (He swoops uncertainly through the air,
wheeling, uttering cries of heartening, on strong ponderous buzzard
wings.) Ho, boy! Are you going to win? Hoop! Pschatt! Stable with those
halfcastes. Wouldn’t let them within the bawl of an ass. Head up!
Keep our flag flying! An eagle gules volant in a field argent displayed.
Ulster king at arms! Haihoop! (He makes the beagle’s call, giving
tongue.) Bulbul! Burblblburblbl! Hai, boy!
(The fronds and spaces of the wallpaper file rapidly across country.
A stout fox, drawn from covert, brush pointed, having buried his
grandmother, runs swift for the open, brighteyed, seeking badger earth,
under the leaves. The pack of staghounds follows, nose to the ground,
sniffing their quarry, beaglebaying, burblbrbling to be blooded. Ward
Union huntsmen and huntswomen live with them, hot for a kill. From Six
Mile Point, Flathouse, Nine Mile Stone follow the footpeople with knotty
sticks, hayforks, salmongaffs, lassos, flockmasters with stockwhips,
bearbaiters with tomtoms, toreadors with bullswords, grey negroes
waving torches. The crowd bawls of dicers, crown and anchor players,
thimbleriggers, broadsmen. Crows and touts, hoarse bookies in high
wizard hats clamour deafeningly.)
 Card of the races. Racing card!
 Ten to one the field!
 Tommy on the clay here! Tommy on the clay!
 Ten to one bar one! Ten to one bar one!
 Try your luck on Spinning Jenny!
 Ten to one bar one!
 Sell the monkey, boys! Sell the monkey!
 I’ll give ten to one!
 Ten to one bar one!
(A dark horse, riderless, bolts like a phantom past the winningpost,
his mane moonfoaming, his eyeballs stars. The field follows, a bunch of
bucking mounts. Skeleton horses, Sceptre, Maximum the Second, Zinfandel,
the Duke of Westminster’s Shotover, Repulse, the Duke of Beaufort’s
Ceylon, prix de Paris. Dwarfs ride them, rustyarmoured, leaping, leaping
in their, in their saddles. Last in a drizzle of rain on a brokenwinded
isabelle nag, Cock of the North, the favourite, honey cap, green jacket,
orange sleeves, Garrett Deasy up, gripping the reins, a hockeystick at
the ready. His nag on spavined whitegaitered feet jogs along the rocky
THE ORANGE LODGES: (Jeering.) Get down and push, mister. Last lap!
You’ll be home the night!
GARRETT DEASY: (Bolt upright, his nailscraped face plastered with
postagestamps, brandishes his hockeystick, his blue eyes flashing in the
prism of the chandelier as his mount lopes by at schooling gallop.)
Per vias rectas!
(A yoke of buckets leopards all over him and his rearing nag a torrent
of mutton broth with dancing coins of carrots, barley, onions, turnips,
THE GREEN LODGES: Soft day, sir John! Soft day, your honour!
(Private Carr, Private Compton and Cissy Caffrey pass beneath the
windows, singing in discord.)
STEPHEN: Hark! Our friend noise in the street.
ZOE: (Holds up her hand.) Stop!
PRIVATE CARR, PRIVATE COMPTON AND CISSY CAFFREY:
 Yet I’ve a sort of a
 Yorkshire relish for...
ZOE: That’s me. (She claps her hands.) Dance! Dance! (She runs to the
pianola.) Who has twopence?
LYNCH: (Handing her coins.) Here.
STEPHEN: (Cracking his fingers impatiently.) Quick! Quick! Where’s my
augur’s rod? (He runs to the piano and takes his ashplant, beating his
foot in tripudium.)
ZOE: (Turns the drumhandle.) There.
(She drops two pennies in the slot. Gold, pink and violet lights
start forth. The drum turns purring in low hesitation waltz. Professor
Goodwin, in a bowknotted periwig, in court dress, wearing a stained
inverness cape, bent in two from incredible age, totters across the
room, his hands fluttering. He sits tinily on the pianostool and
lifts and beats handless sticks of arms on the keyboard, nodding with
damsel’s grace, his bowknot bobbing.)
ZOE: (Twirls round herself, heeltapping.) Dance. Anybody here for there?
Who’ll dance? Clear the table.
(The pianola with changing lights plays in waltz time the prelude of My
Girl’s a Yorkshire Girl. Stephen throws his ashplant on the table and
seizes Zoe round the waist. Florry and Bella push the table towards the
fireplace. Stephen, arming Zoe with exaggerated grace, begins to waltz
her round the room. Bloom stands aside. Her sleeve falling from gracing
arms, reveals a white fleshflower of vaccination. Between the curtains
Professor Maginni inserts a leg on the toepoint of which spins a silk
hat. With a deft kick he sends it spinning to his crown and jauntyhatted
skates in. He wears a slate frockcoat with claret silk lapels, a gorget
of cream tulle, a green lowcut waistcoat, stock collar with white
kerchief, tight lavender trousers, patent pumps and canary gloves. In
his buttonhole is an immense dahlia. He twirls in reversed directions
a clouded cane, then wedges it tight in his oxter. He places a hand
lightly on his breastbone, bows, and fondles his flower and buttons.)
MAGINNI: The poetry of motion, art of calisthenics. No connection with
Madam Legget Byrne’s or Levenston’s. Fancy dress balls arranged.
Deportment. The Katty Lanner step. So. Watch me! My terpsichorean
abilities. (He minuets forward three paces on tripping bee’s feet.)
Tout le monde en avant! Révérence! Tout le monde en place!
(The prelude ceases. Professor Goodwin, beating vague arms shrivels,
sinks, his live cape falling about the stool. The air in firmer waltz
time sounds. Stephen and Zoe circle freely. The lights change, glow,
fade gold rosy violet.)
 Two young fellows were talking about their girls, girls, girls,
 Sweethearts they’d left behind...
(From a corner the morning hours run out, goldhaired, slimsandalled,
in girlish blue, waspwaisted, with innocent hands. Nimbly they dance,
twirling their skipping ropes. The hours of noon follow in amber gold.
Laughing, linked, high haircombs flashing, they catch the sun in mocking
mirrors, lifting their arms.)
MAGINNI: (Clipclaps glovesilent hands.) Carré! Avant deux! Breathe
(The morning and noon hours waltz in their places, turning, advancing to
each other, shaping their curves, bowing visavis. Cavaliers behind them
arch and suspend their arms, with hands descending to, touching, rising
from their shoulders.)
HOURS: You may touch my.
CAVALIERS: May I touch your?
HOURS: O, but lightly!
CAVALIERS: O, so lightly!
 My little shy little lass has a waist.
(Zoe and Stephen turn boldly with looser swing. The twilight hours
advance from long landshadows, dispersed, lagging, languideyed, their
cheeks delicate with cipria and false faint bloom. They are in grey
gauze with dark bat sleeves that flutter in the land breeze.)
MAGINNI: Avant huit! Traversé! Salut! Cours de mains! Croisé!
(The night hours, one by one, steal to the last place. Morning, noon and
twilight hours retreat before them. They are masked, with daggered hair
and bracelets of dull bells. Weary they curchycurchy under veils.)
THE BRACELETS: Heigho! Heigho!
ZOE: (Twirling, her hand to her brow.) O!
MAGINNI: Les tiroirs! Chaîne de dames! La corbeille! Dos à dos!
(Arabesquing wearily they weave a pattern on the floor, weaving,
unweaving, curtseying, twirling, simply swirling.)
ZOE: I’m giddy!
(She frees herself, droops on a chair. Stephen seizes Florry and turns
MAGINNI: Boulangère! Les ronds! Les ponts! Chevaux de bois! Escargots!
(Twining, receding, with interchanging hands the night hours link each
each with arching arms in a mosaic of movements. Stephen and Florry turn
MAGINNI: Dansez avec vos dames! Changez de dames! Donnez le petit
bouquet à votre dame! Remerciez!
 Best, best of all,
KITTY: (Jumps up.) O, they played that on the hobbyhorses at the Mirus
(She runs to Stephen. He leaves Florry brusquely and seizes Kitty. A
screaming bittern’s harsh high whistle shrieks. Groangrousegurgling
Toft’s cumbersome whirligig turns slowly the room right roundabout the
 My girl’s a Yorkshire girl.
Yorkshire through and through. Come on all!
(She seizes Florry and waltzes her.)
STEPHEN: Pas seul!
(He wheels Kitty into Lynch’s arms, snatches up his ashplant from
the table and takes the floor. All wheel whirl waltz twirl. Bloombella
Kittylynch Florryzoe jujuby women. Stephen with hat ashplant frogsplits
in middle highkicks with skykicking mouth shut hand clasp part under
thigh. With clang tinkle boomhammer tallyho hornblower blue green yellow
flashes Toft’s cumbersome turns with hobbyhorse riders from gilded
snakes dangled, bowels fandango leaping spurn soil foot and fall again.)
 Though she’s a factory lass
 And wears no fancy clothes.
(Closeclutched swift swifter with glareblareflare scudding they
scootlootshoot lumbering by. Baraabum!)
TUTTI: Encore! Bis! Bravo! Encore!
SIMON: Think of your mother’s people!
STEPHEN: Dance of death.
(Bang fresh barang bang of lacquey’s bell, horse, nag, steer,
piglings, Conmee on Christass, lame crutch and leg sailor in cockboat
armfolded ropepulling hitching stamp hornpipe through and through.
Baraabum! On nags hogs bellhorses Gadarene swine Corny in coffin steel
shark stone onehandled Nelson two trickies Frauenzimmer plumstained from
pram falling bawling. Gum he’s a champion. Fuseblue peer from barrel
rev. evensong Love on hackney jaunt Blazes blind coddoubled bicyclers
Dilly with snowcake no fancy clothes. Then in last switchback lumbering
up and down bump mashtub sort of viceroy and reine relish for tublumber
bumpshire rose. Baraabum!)
(The couples fall aside. Stephen whirls giddily. Room whirls back. Eyes
closed he totters. Red rails fly spacewards. Stars all around suns turn
roundabout. Bright midges dance on walls. He stops dead.)
(Stephen’s mother, emaciated, rises stark through the floor, in leper
grey with a wreath of faded orangeblossoms and a torn bridal veil, her
face worn and noseless, green with gravemould. Her hair is scant and
lank. She fixes her bluecircled hollow eyesockets on Stephen and opens
her toothless mouth uttering a silent word. A choir of virgins and
confessors sing voicelessly.)
 Liliata rutilantium te confessorum...
 Iubilantium te virginum...
(From the top of a tower Buck Mulligan, in particoloured jester’s
dress of puce and yellow and clown’s cap with curling bell, stands
gaping at her, a smoking buttered split scone in his hand.)
BUCK MULLIGAN: She’s beastly dead. The pity of it! Mulligan meets the
afflicted mother. (He upturns his eyes.) Mercurial Malachi!
THE MOTHER: (With the subtle smile of death’s madness.) I was once the
beautiful May Goulding. I am dead.
STEPHEN: (Horrorstruck.) Lemur, who are you? No. What bogeyman’s trick
BUCK MULLIGAN: (Shakes his curling capbell.) The mockery of it! Kinch
dogsbody killed her bitchbody. She kicked the bucket. (Tears of molten
butter fall from his eyes on to the scone.) Our great sweet mother! Epi
THE MOTHER: (Comes nearer, breathing upon him softly her breath of
wetted ashes.) All must go through it, Stephen. More women than men in
the world. You too. Time will come.
STEPHEN: (Choking with fright, remorse and horror.) They say I killed
you, mother. He offended your memory. Cancer did it, not I. Destiny.
THE MOTHER: (A green rill of bile trickling from a side of her mouth.)
You sang that song to me. Love’s bitter mystery.
STEPHEN: (Eagerly.) Tell me the word, mother, if you know now. The word
known to all men.
THE MOTHER: Who saved you the night you jumped into the train at
Dalkey with Paddy Lee? Who had pity for you when you were sad among the
strangers? Prayer is allpowerful. Prayer for the suffering souls in the
Ursuline manual and forty days’ indulgence. Repent, Stephen.
STEPHEN: The ghoul! Hyena!
THE MOTHER: I pray for you in my other world. Get Dilly to make you that
boiled rice every night after your brainwork. Years and years I loved
you, O, my son, my firstborn, when you lay in my womb.
ZOE: (Fanning herself with the grate fan.) I’m melting!
FLORRY: (Points to Stephen.) Look! He’s white.
BLOOM: (Goes to the window to open it more.) Giddy.
THE MOTHER: (With smouldering eyes.) Repent! O, the fire of hell!
STEPHEN: (Panting.) His noncorrosive sublimate! The corpsechewer! Raw
head and bloody bones.
THE MOTHER: (Her face drawing near and nearer, sending out an ashen
breath.) Beware! (She raises her blackened withered right arm slowly
towards Stephen’s breast with outstretched finger.) Beware God’s
hand! (A green crab with malignant red eyes sticks deep its grinning
claws in Stephen’s heart.)
STEPHEN: (Strangled with rage.) Shite! (His features grow drawn and grey
BLOOM: (At the window.) What?
STEPHEN: Ah non, par exemple! The intellectual imagination! With me all
or not at all. Non serviam!
FLORRY: Give him some cold water. Wait. (She rushes out.)
THE MOTHER: (Wrings her hands slowly, moaning desperately.) O Sacred
Heart of Jesus, have mercy on him! Save him from hell, O Divine Sacred
STEPHEN: No! No! No! Break my spirit, all of you, if you can! I’ll
bring you all to heel!
THE MOTHER: (In the agony of her deathrattle.) Have mercy on Stephen,
Lord, for my sake! Inexpressible was my anguish when expiring with love,
grief and agony on Mount Calvary.
(He lifts his ashplant high with both hands and smashes the chandelier.
Time’s livid final flame leaps and, in the following darkness, ruin of
all space, shattered glass and toppling masonry.)
THE GASJET: Pwfungg!
LYNCH: (Rushes forward and seizes Stephen’s hand.) Here! Hold on!
Don’t run amok!
(Stephen, abandoning his ashplant, his head and arms thrown back stark,
beats the ground and flies from the room, past the whores at the door.)
BELLA: (Screams.) After him!
(The two whores rush to the halldoor. Lynch and Kitty and Zoe stampede
from the room. They talk excitedly. Bloom follows, returns.)
THE WHORES: (Jammed in the doorway, pointing.) Down there.
ZOE: (Pointing.) There. There’s something up.
BELLA: Who pays for the lamp? (She seizes Bloom’s coattail.) Here, you
were with him. The lamp’s broken.
BLOOM: (Rushes to the hall, rushes back.) What lamp, woman?
A WHORE: He tore his coat.
BELLA: (Her eyes hard with anger and cupidity, points.) Who’s to pay
for that? Ten shillings. You’re a witness.
BLOOM: (Snatches up Stephen’s ashplant.) Me? Ten shillings? Haven’t
you lifted enough off him? Didn’t he...?
BELLA: (Loudly.) Here, none of your tall talk. This isn’t a brothel. A
ten shilling house.
BLOOM: (His head under the lamp, pulls the chain. Pulling, the gasjet
lights up a crushed mauve purple shade. He raises the ashplant.) Only
the chimney’s broken. Here is all he...
BELLA: (Shrinks back and screams.) Jesus! Don’t!
BLOOM: (Warding off a blow.) To show you how he hit the paper. There’s
not sixpenceworth of damage done. Ten shillings!
FLORRY: (With a glass of water, enters.) Where is he?
BELLA: Do you want me to call the police?
BLOOM: O, I know. Bulldog on the premises. But he’s a Trinity student.
Patrons of your establishment. Gentlemen that pay the rent. (He makes
a masonic sign.) Know what I mean? Nephew of the vicechancellor. You
don’t want a scandal.
BELLA: (Angrily.) Trinity. Coming down here ragging after the boatraces
and paying nothing. Are you my commander here or? Where is he? I’ll
charge him! Disgrace him, I will! (She shouts.) Zoe! Zoe!
BLOOM: (Urgently.) And if it were your own son in Oxford? (Warningly.) I
BELLA: (Almost speechless.) Who are. Incog!
ZOE: (In the doorway.) There’s a row on.
BLOOM: What? Where? (He throws a shilling on the table and starts.)
That’s for the chimney. Where? I need mountain air.
(He hurries out through the hall. The whores point. Florry follows,
spilling water from her tilted tumbler. On the doorstep all the whores
clustered talk volubly, pointing to the right where the fog has cleared
off. From the left arrives a jingling hackney car. It slows to in front
of the house. Bloom at the halldoor perceives Corny Kelleher who is
about to dismount from the car with two silent lechers. He averts
his face. Bella from within the hall urges on her whores. They blow
ickylickysticky yumyum kisses. Corny Kelleher replies with a ghastly
lewd smile. The silent lechers turn to pay the jarvey. Zoe and Kitty
still point right. Bloom, parting them swiftly, draws his caliph’s
hood and poncho and hurries down the steps with sideways face. Incog
Haroun al Raschid he flits behind the silent lechers and hastens on by
the railings with fleet step of a pard strewing the drag behind him,
torn envelopes drenched in aniseed. The ashplant marks his stride. A
pack of bloodhounds, led by Hornblower of Trinity brandishing a dogwhip
in tallyho cap and an old pair of grey trousers, follows from far,
picking up the scent, nearer, baying, panting, at fault, breaking away,
throwing their tongues, biting his heels, leaping at his tail. He
walks, runs, zigzags, gallops, lugs laid back. He is pelted with gravel,
cabbagestumps, biscuitboxes, eggs, potatoes, dead codfish, woman’s
slipperslappers. After him freshfound the hue and cry zigzag gallops
in hot pursuit of follow my leader: 65 C, 66 C, night watch, John Henry
Menton, Wisdom Hely, V. B. Dillon, Councillor Nannetti, Alexander Keyes,
Larry O’Rourke, Joe Cuffe, Mrs O’Dowd, Pisser Burke, The Nameless
One, Mrs Riordan, The Citizen, Garryowen, Whodoyoucallhim, Strangeface,
Fellowthatsolike, Sawhimbefore, Chapwithawen, Chris Callinan, sir
Charles Cameron, Benjamin Dollard, Lenehan, Bartell d’Arcy, Joe Hynes,
red Murray, editor Brayden, T. M. Healy, Mr Justice Fitzgibbon, John
Howard Parnell, the reverend Tinned Salmon, Professor Joly, Mrs
Breen, Denis Breen, Theodore Purefoy, Mina Purefoy, the Westland
Row postmistress, C. P. M’Coy, friend of Lyons, Hoppy Holohan,
maninthestreet, othermaninthestreet, Footballboots, pugnosed driver,
rich protestant lady, Davy Byrne, Mrs Ellen M’Guinness, Mrs Joe
Gallaher, George Lidwell, Jimmy Henry on corns, Superintendent Laracy,
Father Cowley, Crofton out of the Collector-general’s, Dan Dawson,
dental surgeon Bloom with tweezers, Mrs Bob Doran, Mrs Kennefick,
Mrs Wyse Nolan, John Wyse Nolan,
handsomemarriedwomanrubbedagainstwidebehindinClonskea tram, the
bookseller of Sweets of Sin, Miss Dubedatandshedidbedad, Mesdames Gerald
and Stanislaus Moran of Roebuck, the managing clerk of Drimmie’s,
Wetherup, colonel Hayes, Mastiansky, Citron, Penrose, Aaron Figatner,
Moses Herzog, Michael E Geraghty, Inspector Troy, Mrs Galbraith, the
constable off Eccles street corner, old doctor Brady with stethoscope,
the mystery man on the beach, a retriever, Mrs Miriam Dandrade and all
THE HUE AND CRY: (Helterskelterpelterwelter.) He’s Bloom! Stop Bloom!
Stopabloom! Stopperrobber! Hi! Hi! Stophim on the corner!
(At the corner of Beaver street beneath the scaffolding Bloom panting
stops on the fringe of the noisy quarrelling knot, a lot not knowing a
jot what hi! hi! row and wrangle round the whowhat brawlaltogether.)
STEPHEN: (With elaborate gestures, breathing deeply and slowly.) You are
my guests. Uninvited. By virtue of the fifth of George and seventh of
Edward. History to blame. Fabled by mothers of memory.
PRIVATE CARR: (To Cissy Caffrey.) Was he insulting you?
STEPHEN: Addressed her in vocative feminine. Probably neuter.
VOICES: No, he didn’t. I seen him. The girl there. He was in Mrs
Cohen’s. What’s up? Soldier and civilian.
CISSY CAFFREY: I was in company with the soldiers and they left me to
do—you know, and the young man run up behind me. But I’m faithful to
the man that’s treating me though I’m only a shilling whore.
STEPHEN: (Catches sight of Lynch’s and Kitty’s heads.) Hail,
Sisyphus. (He points to himself and the others.) Poetic. Uropoetic.
VOICES: Shes faithfultheman.
CISSY CAFFREY: Yes, to go with him. And me with a soldier friend.
PRIVATE COMPTON: He doesn’t half want a thick ear, the blighter. Biff
him one, Harry.
PRIVATE CARR: (To Cissy.) Was he insulting you while me and him was
having a piss?
LORD TENNYSON: (Gentleman poet in Union Jack blazer and cricket
flannels, bareheaded, flowingbearded.) Theirs not to reason why.
PRIVATE COMPTON: Biff him, Harry.
STEPHEN: (To Private Compton.) I don’t know your name but you are
quite right. Doctor Swift says one man in armour will beat ten men in
their shirts. Shirt is synechdoche. Part for the whole.
CISSY CAFFREY: (To the crowd.) No, I was with the privates.
STEPHEN: (Amiably.) Why not? The bold soldier boy. In my opinion every
lady for example...
PRIVATE CARR: (His cap awry, advances to Stephen.) Say, how would it be,
governor, if I was to bash in your jaw?
STEPHEN: (Looks up to the sky.) How? Very unpleasant. Noble art of
selfpretence. Personally, I detest action. (He waves his hand.) Hand
hurts me slightly. Enfin ce sont vos oignons. (To Cissy Caffrey.) Some
trouble is on here. What is it precisely?
DOLLY GRAY: (From her balcony waves her handkerchief, giving the sign
of the heroine of Jericho.) Rahab. Cook’s son, goodbye. Safe home to
Dolly. Dream of the girl you left behind and she will dream of you.
(The soldiers turn their swimming eyes.)
BLOOM: (Elbowing through the crowd, plucks Stephen’s sleeve
vigorously.) Come now, professor, that carman is waiting.
STEPHEN: (Turns.) Eh? (He disengages himself.) Why should I not speak to
him or to any human being who walks upright upon this oblate orange? (He
points his finger.) I’m not afraid of what I can talk to if I see his
eye. Retaining the perpendicular.
(He staggers a pace back.)
BLOOM: (Propping him.) Retain your own.
STEPHEN: (Laughs emptily.) My centre of gravity is displaced. I have
forgotten the trick. Let us sit down somewhere and discuss. Struggle
for life is the law of existence but but human philirenists, notably the
tsar and the king of England, have invented arbitration. (He taps his
brow.) But in here it is I must kill the priest and the king.
BIDDY THE CLAP: Did you hear what the professor said? He’s a professor
out of the college.
CUNTY KATE: I did. I heard that.
BIDDY THE CLAP: He expresses himself with such marked refinement of
CUNTY KATE: Indeed, yes. And at the same time with such apposite
PRIVATE CARR: (Pulls himself free and comes forward.) What’s that
you’re saying about my king?
(Edward the Seventh appears in an archway. He wears a white jersey on
which an image of the Sacred Heart is stitched with the insignia of
Garter and Thistle, Golden Fleece, Elephant of Denmark, Skinner’s and
Probyn’s horse, Lincoln’s Inn bencher and ancient and honourable
artillery company of Massachusetts. He sucks a red jujube. He is robed
as a grand elect perfect and sublime mason with trowel and apron, marked
made in Germany. In his left hand he holds a plasterer’s bucket on
which is printed Défense d’uriner. A roar of welcome greets him.)
EDWARD THE SEVENTH: (Slowly, solemnly but indistinctly.) Peace, perfect
peace. For identification, bucket in my hand. Cheerio, boys. (He turns
to his subjects.) We have come here to witness a clean straight fight
and we heartily wish both men the best of good luck. Mahak makar a bak.
(He shakes hands with Private Carr, Private Compton, Stephen, Bloom and
Lynch. General applause. Edward the Seventh lifts his bucket graciously
PRIVATE CARR: (To Stephen.) Say it again.
STEPHEN: (Nervous, friendly, pulls himself up.) I understand your point
of view though I have no king myself for the moment. This is the age of
patent medicines. A discussion is difficult down here. But this is the
point. You die for your country. Suppose. (He places his arm on Private
Carr’s sleeve.) Not that I wish it for you. But I say: Let my country
die for me. Up to the present it has done so. I didn’t want it to die.
Damn death. Long live life!
EDWARD THE SEVENTH: (Levitates over heaps of slain, in the garb and with
the halo of Joking Jesus, a white jujube in his phosphorescent face.)
 My methods are new and are causing surprise.
 To make the blind see I throw dust in their eyes.
STEPHEN: Kings and unicorns! (He falls back a pace.) Come somewhere and
we’ll... What was that girl saying?...
PRIVATE COMPTON: Eh, Harry, give him a kick in the knackers. Stick one
BLOOM: (To the privates, softly.) He doesn’t know what he’s saying.
Taken a little more than is good for him. Absinthe. Greeneyed monster. I
know him. He’s a gentleman, a poet. It’s all right.
STEPHEN: (Nods, smiling and laughing.) Gentleman, patriot, scholar and
judge of impostors.
PRIVATE CARR: I don’t give a bugger who he is.
PRIVATE COMPTON: We don’t give a bugger who he is.
STEPHEN: I seem to annoy them. Green rag to a bull.
(Kevin Egan of Paris in black Spanish tasselled shirt and peep-o’-day
boy’s hat signs to Stephen.)
KEVIN EGAN: H’lo! Bonjour! The vieille ogresse with the dents jaunes.
(Patrice Egan peeps from behind, his rabbitface nibbling a quince leaf.)
DON EMILE PATRIZIO FRANZ RUPERT POPE HENNESSY: (In medieval hauberk, two
wild geese volant on his helm, with noble indignation points a mailed
hand against the privates.) Werf those eykes to footboden, big grand
porcos of johnyellows todos covered of gravy!
BLOOM: (To Stephen.) Come home. You’ll get into trouble.
STEPHEN: (Swaying.) I don’t avoid it. He provokes my intelligence.
BIDDY THE CLAP: One immediately observes that he is of patrician
THE VIRAGO: Green above the red, says he. Wolfe Tone.
THE BAWD: The red’s as good as the green. And better. Up the soldiers!
Up King Edward!
A ROUGH: (Laughs.) Ay! Hands up to De Wet.
THE CITIZEN: (With a huge emerald muffler and shillelagh, calls.)
 May the God above
 Send down a dove
 With teeth as sharp as razors
 To slit the throats
 Of the English dogs
 That hanged our Irish leaders.
THE CROPPY BOY: (The ropenoose round his neck, gripes in his issuing
bowels with both hands.)
 I bear no hate to a living thing,
 But I love my country beyond the king.
RUMBOLD, DEMON BARBER: (Accompanied by two blackmasked assistants,
advances with gladstone bag which he opens.) Ladies and gents,
cleaver purchased by Mrs Pearcy to slay Mogg. Knife with which Voisin
dismembered the wife of a compatriot and hid remains in a sheet in the
cellar, the unfortunate female’s throat being cut from ear to ear.
Phial containing arsenic retrieved from body of Miss Barron which sent
Seddon to the gallows.
(He jerks the rope. The assistants leap at the victim’s legs and drag
him downward, grunting: the croppy boy’s tongue protrudes violently.)
THE CROPPY BOY:
 Horhot ho hray hor hother’s hest.
(He gives up the ghost. A violent erection of the hanged sends gouts
of sperm spouting through his deathclothes on to the cobblestones. Mrs
Bellingham, Mrs Yelverton Barry and the Honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys
rush forward with their handkerchiefs to sop it up.)
RUMBOLD: I’m near it myself. (He undoes the noose.) Rope which hanged
the awful rebel. Ten shillings a time. As applied to Her Royal Highness.
(He plunges his head into the gaping belly of the hanged and draws out
his head again clotted with coiled and smoking entrails.) My painful
duty has now been done. God save the king!
EDWARD THE SEVENTH: (Dances slowly, solemnly, rattling his bucket, and
sings with soft contentment.)
 On coronation day, on coronation day,
 O, won’t we have a merry time,
 Drinking whisky, beer and wine!
PRIVATE CARR: Here. What are you saying about my king?
STEPHEN: (Throws up his hands.) O, this is too monotonous! Nothing. He
wants my money and my life, though want must be his master, for some
brutish empire of his. Money I haven’t. (He searches his pockets
vaguely.) Gave it to someone.
PRIVATE CARR: Who wants your bleeding money?
STEPHEN: (Tries to move off.) Will someone tell me where I am least
likely to meet these necessary evils? Ça se voit aussi à Paris. Not
that I... But, by Saint Patrick...!
(The women’s heads coalesce. Old Gummy Granny in sugarloaf hat appears
seated on a toadstool, the deathflower of the potato blight on her
STEPHEN: Aha! I know you, gammer! Hamlet, revenge! The old sow that eats
OLD GUMMY GRANNY: (Rocking to and fro.) Ireland’s sweetheart, the king
of Spain’s daughter, alanna. Strangers in my house, bad manners to
them! (She keens with banshee woe.) Ochone! Ochone! Silk of the kine!
(She wails.) You met with poor old Ireland and how does she stand?
STEPHEN: How do I stand you? The hat trick! Where’s the third person
of the Blessed Trinity? Soggarth Aroon? The reverend Carrion Crow.
CISSY CAFFREY: (Shrill.) Stop them from fighting!
A ROUGH: Our men retreated.
PRIVATE CARR: (Tugging at his belt.) I’ll wring the neck of any fucker
says a word against my fucking king.
BLOOM: (Terrified.) He said nothing. Not a word. A pure
THE CITIZEN: Erin go bragh!
(Major Tweedy and the Citizen exhibit to each other medals, decorations,
trophies of war, wounds. Both salute with fierce hostility.)
PRIVATE COMPTON: Go it, Harry. Do him one in the eye. He’s a proboer.
STEPHEN: Did I? When?
BLOOM: (To the redcoats.) We fought for you in South Africa, Irish
missile troops. Isn’t that history? Royal Dublin Fusiliers. Honoured
by our monarch.
THE NAVVY: (Staggering past.) O, yes! O God, yes! O, make the kwawr a
krowawr! O! Bo!
(Casqued halberdiers in armour thrust forward a pentice of gutted
spearpoints. Major Tweedy, moustached like Turko the terrible, in
bearskin cap with hackleplume and accoutrements, with epaulettes, gilt
chevrons and sabretaches, his breast bright with medals, toes the line.
He gives the pilgrim warrior’s sign of the knights templars.)
MAJOR TWEEDY: (Growls gruffly.) Rorke’s Drift! Up, guards, and at
them! Mahar shalal hashbaz.
PRIVATE CARR: I’ll do him in.
PRIVATE COMPTON: (Waves the crowd back.) Fair play, here. Make a
bleeding butcher’s shop of the bugger.
(Massed bands blare Garryowen and God save the King.)
CISSY CAFFREY: They’re going to fight. For me!
CUNTY KATE: The brave and the fair.
BIDDY THE CLAP: Methinks yon sable knight will joust it with the best.
CUNTY KATE: (Blushing deeply.) Nay, madam. The gules doublet and merry
saint George for me!
 The harlot’s cry from street to street
 Shall weave Old Ireland’s windingsheet.
PRIVATE CARR: (Loosening his belt, shouts.) I’ll wring the neck of any
fucking bastard says a word against my bleeding fucking king.
BLOOM: (Shakes Cissy Caffrey’s shoulders.) Speak, you! Are you struck
dumb? You are the link between nations and generations. Speak, woman,
CISSY CAFFREY: (Alarmed, seizes Private Carr’s sleeve.) Amn’t I with
you? Amn’t I your girl? Cissy’s your girl. (She cries.) Police!
STEPHEN: (Ecstatically, to Cissy Caffrey.)
 White thy fambles, red thy gan
 And thy quarrons dainty is.
DISTANT VOICES: Dublin’s burning! Dublin’s burning! On fire, on
(Brimstone fires spring up. Dense clouds roll past. Heavy Gatling guns
boom. Pandemonium. Troops deploy. Gallop of hoofs. Artillery. Hoarse
commands. Bells clang. Backers shout. Drunkards bawl. Whores screech.
Foghorns hoot. Cries of valour. Shrieks of dying. Pikes clash on
cuirasses. Thieves rob the slain. Birds of prey, winging from the sea,
rising from marshlands, swooping from eyries, hover screaming, gannets,
cormorants, vultures, goshawks, climbing woodcocks, peregrines, merlins,
blackgrouse, sea eagles, gulls, albatrosses, barnacle geese. The
midnight sun is darkened. The earth trembles. The dead of Dublin
from Prospect and Mount Jerome in white sheepskin overcoats and black
goatfell cloaks arise and appear to many. A chasm opens with a noiseless
yawn. Tom Rochford, winner, in athlete’s singlet and breeches, arrives
at the head of the national hurdle handicap and leaps into the void.
He is followed by a race of runners and leapers. In wild attitudes they
spring from the brink. Their bodies plunge. Factory lasses with fancy
clothes toss redhot Yorkshire baraabombs. Society ladies lift their
skirts above their heads to protect themselves. Laughing witches in red
cutty sarks ride through the air on broomsticks. Quakerlyster plasters
blisters. It rains dragons’ teeth. Armed heroes spring up from
furrows. They exchange in amity the pass of knights of the red cross and
fight duels with cavalry sabres: Wolfe Tone against Henry Grattan, Smith
O’Brien against Daniel O’Connell, Michael Davitt against Isaac Butt,
Justin M’Carthy against Parnell, Arthur Griffith against John Redmond,
John O’Leary against Lear O’Johnny, Lord Edward Fitzgerald against
Lord Gerald Fitzedward, The O’Donoghue of the Glens against The Glens
of The O’Donoghue. On an eminence, the centre of the earth, rises
the fieldaltar of Saint Barbara. Black candles rise from its gospel and
epistle horns. From the high barbacans of the tower two shafts of light
fall on the smokepalled altarstone. On the altarstone Mrs Mina Purefoy,
goddess of unreason, lies, naked, fettered, a chalice resting on her
swollen belly. Father Malachi O’Flynn in a lace petticoat and reversed
chasuble, his two left feet back to the front, celebrates camp mass. The
Reverend Mr Hugh C Haines Love M. A. in a plain cassock and mortarboard,
his head and collar back to the front, holds over the celebrant’s head
an open umbrella.)
FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: Introibo ad altare diaboli.
THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: To the devil which hath made glad my young
FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: (Takes from the chalice and elevates a
blooddripping host.) Corpus meum.
THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: (Raises high behind the celebrant’s
petticoat, revealing his grey bare hairy buttocks between which a carrot
is stuck.) My body.
THE VOICE OF ALL THE DAMNED: Htengier Tnetopinmo Dog Drol eht rof,
(From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)
THE VOICE OF ALL THE BLESSED: Alleluia, for the Lord God Omnipotent
(From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)
(In strident discord peasants and townsmen of Orange and Green factions
sing Kick the Pope and Daily, daily sing to Mary.)
PRIVATE CARR: (With ferocious articulation.) I’ll do him in, so help
me fucking Christ! I’ll wring the bastard fucker’s bleeding blasted
(The retriever, nosing on the fringe of the crowd, barks noisily.)
OLD GUMMY GRANNY: (Thrusts a dagger towards Stephen’s hand.) Remove
him, acushla. At 8.35 a.m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be
free. (She prays.) O good God, take him!
BLOOM: (Runs to Lynch.) Can’t you get him away?
LYNCH: He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty! (To Bloom.)
Get him away, you. He won’t listen to me.
(He drags Kitty away.)
STEPHEN: (Points.) Exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit.
BLOOM: (Runs to Stephen.) Come along with me now before worse happens.
Here’s your stick.
STEPHEN: Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.
CISSY CAFFREY: (Pulling Private Carr.) Come on, you’re boosed. He
insulted me but I forgive him. (Shouting in his ear.) I forgive him for
BLOOM: (Over Stephen’s shoulder.) Yes, go. You see he’s incapable.
PRIVATE CARR: (Breaks loose.) I’ll insult him.
(He rushes towards Stephen, fist outstretched, and strikes him in the
face. Stephen totters, collapses, falls, stunned. He lies prone, his
face to the sky, his hat rolling to the wall. Bloom follows and picks it
MAJOR TWEEDY: (Loudly.) Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!
THE RETRIEVER: (Barking furiously.) Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.
THE CROWD: Let him up! Don’t strike him when he’s down! Air! Who?
The soldier hit him. He’s a professor. Is he hurted? Don’t manhandle
him! He’s fainted!
A HAG: What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under
the influence. Let them go and fight the Boers!
THE BAWD: Listen to who’s talking! Hasn’t the soldier a right to go
with his girl? He gave him the coward’s blow.
(They grab at each other’s hair, claw at each other and spit.)
THE RETRIEVER: (Barking.) Wow wow wow.
BLOOM: (Shoves them back, loudly.) Get back, stand back!
PRIVATE COMPTON: (Tugging his comrade.) Here. Bugger off, Harry.
Here’s the cops! (Two raincaped watch, tall, stand in the group.)
FIRST WATCH: What’s wrong here?
PRIVATE COMPTON: We were with this lady. And he insulted us. And
assaulted my chum. (The retriever barks.) Who owns the bleeding tyke?
CISSY CAFFREY: (With expectation.) Is he bleeding!
A MAN: (Rising from his knees.) No. Gone off. He’ll come to all right.
BLOOM: (Glances sharply at the man.) Leave him to me. I can easily...
SECOND WATCH: Who are you? Do you know him?
PRIVATE CARR: (Lurches towards the watch.) He insulted my lady friend.
BLOOM: (Angrily.) You hit him without provocation. I’m a witness.
Constable, take his regimental number.
SECOND WATCH: I don’t want your instructions in the discharge of my
PRIVATE COMPTON: (Pulling his comrade.) Here, bugger off Harry. Or
Bennett’ll shove you in the lockup.
PRIVATE CARR: (Staggering as he is pulled away.) God fuck old Bennett.
He’s a whitearsed bugger. I don’t give a shit for him.
FIRST WATCH: (Takes out his notebook.) What’s his name?
BLOOM: (Peering over the crowd.) I just see a car there. If you give me
a hand a second, sergeant...
FIRST WATCH: Name and address.
(Corny Kelleher, weepers round his hat, a death wreath in his hand,
appears among the bystanders.)
BLOOM: (Quickly.) O, the very man! (He whispers.) Simon Dedalus’ son.
A bit sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.
SECOND WATCH: Night, Mr Kelleher.
CORNY KELLEHER: (To the watch, with drawling eye.) That’s all right.
I know him. Won a bit on the races. Gold cup. Throwaway. (He laughs.)
Twenty to one. Do you follow me?
FIRST WATCH: (Turns to the crowd.) Here, what are you all gaping at?
Move on out of that.
(The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane.)
CORNY KELLEHER: Leave it to me, sergeant. That’ll be all right. (He
laughs, shaking his head.) We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse.
What? Eh, what?
FIRST WATCH: (Laughs.) I suppose so.
CORNY KELLEHER: (Nudges the second watch.) Come and wipe your name off
the slate. (He lilts, wagging his head.) With my tooraloom tooraloom
tooraloom tooraloom. What, eh, do you follow me?
SECOND WATCH: (Genially.) Ah, sure we were too.
CORNY KELLEHER: (Winking.) Boys will be boys. I’ve a car round there.
SECOND WATCH: All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.
CORNY KELLEHER: I’ll see to that.
BLOOM: (Shakes hands with both of the watch in turn.) Thank you very
much, gentlemen. Thank you. (He mumbles confidentially.) We don’t
want any scandal, you understand. Father is a wellknown highly respected
citizen. Just a little wild oats, you understand.
FIRST WATCH: O. I understand, sir.
SECOND WATCH: That’s all right, sir.
FIRST WATCH: It was only in case of corporal injuries I’d have to
report it at the station.
BLOOM: (Nods rapidly.) Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.
SECOND WATCH: It’s our duty.
CORNY KELLEHER: Good night, men.
THE WATCH: (Saluting together.) Night, gentlemen. (They move off with
slow heavy tread.)
BLOOM: (Blows.) Providential you came on the scene. You have a car?...
CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to
the car brought up against the scaffolding.) Two commercials that were
standing fizz in Jammet’s. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two
quid on the race. Drowning his grief. And were on for a go with the
jolly girls. So I landed them up on Behan’s car and down to nighttown.
BLOOM: I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to...
CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs.) Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots.
No, by God, says I. Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. (He
laughs again and leers with lacklustre eye.) Thanks be to God we have it
in the house, what, eh, do you follow me? Hah, hah, hah!
BLOOM: (Tries to laugh.) He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just
visiting an old friend of mine there, Virag, you don’t know him (poor
fellow, he’s laid up for the past week) and we had a liquor together
and I was just making my way home...
(The horse neighs.)
THE HORSE: Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!
CORNY KELLEHER: Sure it was Behan our jarvey there that told me after we
left the two commercials in Mrs Cohen’s and I told him to pull up and
got off to see. (He laughs.) Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I
give him a lift home? Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?
BLOOM: No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.
(Stephen, prone, breathes to the stars. Corny Kelleher, asquint, drawls
at the horse. Bloom, in gloom, looms down.)
CORNY KELLEHER: (Scratches his nape.) Sandycove! (He bends down and
calls to Stephen.) Eh! (He calls again.) Eh! He’s covered with
shavings anyhow. Take care they didn’t lift anything off him.
BLOOM: No, no, no. I have his money and his hat here and stick.
CORNY KELLEHER: Ah, well, he’ll get over it. No bones broken. Well,
I’ll shove along. (He laughs.) I’ve a rendezvous in the morning.
Burying the dead. Safe home!
THE HORSE: (Neighs.) Hohohohohome.
BLOOM: Good night. I’ll just wait and take him along in a few...
(Corny Kelleher returns to the outside car and mounts it. The horse
CORNY KELLEHER: (From the car, standing.) Night.
(The jarvey chucks the reins and raises his whip encouragingly. The
car and horse back slowly, awkwardly, and turn. Corny Kelleher on the
sideseat sways his head to and fro in sign of mirth at Bloom’s plight.
The jarvey joins in the mute pantomimic merriment nodding from the
farther seat. Bloom shakes his head in mute mirthful reply. With thumb
and palm Corny Kelleher reassures that the two bobbies will allow the
sleep to continue for what else is to be done. With a slow nod Bloom
conveys his gratitude as that is exactly what Stephen needs. The car
jingles tooraloom round the corner of the tooraloom lane. Corny Kelleher
again reassuralooms with his hand. Bloom with his hand assuralooms Corny
Kelleher that he is reassuraloomtay. The tinkling hoofs and jingling
harness grow fainter with their tooralooloo looloo lay. Bloom, holding
in his hand Stephen’s hat, festooned with shavings, and ashplant,
stands irresolute. Then he bends to him and shakes him by the shoulder.)
BLOOM: Eh! Ho! (There is no answer; he bends again.) Mr Dedalus! (There
is no answer.) The name if you call. Somnambulist. (He bends again
and, hesitating, brings his mouth near the face of the prostrate form.)
Stephen! (There is no answer. He calls again.) Stephen!
STEPHEN: (Groans.) Who? Black panther. Vampire. (He sighs and stretches
himself, then murmurs thickly with prolonged vowels.)
 Who... drive... Fergus now
 And pierce... wood’s woven shade?...
(He turns on his left side, sighing, doubling himself together.)
BLOOM: Poetry. Well educated. Pity. (He bends again and undoes
the buttons of Stephen’s waistcoat.) To breathe. (He brushes the
woodshavings from Stephen’s clothes with light hand and fingers.) One
pound seven. Not hurt anyhow. (He listens.) What?
 ... shadows... the woods
 ... white breast... dim sea.
(He stretches out his arms, sighs again and curls his body. Bloom,
holding the hat and ashplant, stands erect. A dog barks in the distance.
Bloom tightens and loosens his grip on the ashplant. He looks down on
Stephen’s face and form.)
BLOOM: (Communes with the night.) Face reminds me of his poor mother.
In the shady wood. The deep white breast. Ferguson, I think I caught.
A girl. Some girl. Best thing could happen him. (He murmurs.)... swear
that I will always hail, ever conceal, never reveal, any part or parts,
art or arts... (He murmurs.)... in the rough sands of the sea... a
cabletow’s length from the shore... where the tide ebbs... and flows
(Silent, thoughtful, alert he stands on guard, his fingers at his lips
in the attitude of secret master. Against the dark wall a figure appears
slowly, a fairy boy of eleven, a changeling, kidnapped, dressed in an
Eton suit with glass shoes and a little bronze helmet, holding a book
in his hand. He reads from right to left inaudibly, smiling, kissing the
BLOOM: (Wonderstruck, calls inaudibly.) Rudy!
RUDY: (Gazes, unseeing, into Bloom’s eyes and goes on reading,
kissing, smiling. He has a delicate mauve face. On his suit he has
diamond and ruby buttons. In his free left hand he holds a slim ivory
cane with a violet bowknot. A white lambkin peeps out of his waistcoat
— III —